Archive for January, 2008

Jan 24 2008

Posted by under Humor

SUMMARY OF MY LAST YEAR ON THE COMPUTER

I NOW HAVE TO:::…………..

I have to scrub the top of every can I open.

I no longer have any savings because I gave it to a sick girl (Penny Brown) who is about to die in the hospital for the 1,387,258th time.

I no longer have any money at all, but that will change once I receive the $15,000 that Bill Gates/Microsoft and AOL are  sending me for participating in their special e-mail program.

I no longer worry about my soul because I have 363,214 angels looking out for me, and St. Theresa’s novena has granted my every wish.

I no longer eat KFC because their chickens are actually horrible mutant freaks with no eyes or feathers.

I no longer use cancer-causing deodorants even though I smell like a water buffalo on a  hot day

I have learned that my prayers only get answered if I forward an email to seven of my friends and make a wish within five minutes.

I no longer drink Coca Cola because it can remove toilet stains.

I no longer can buy gasoline without taking someone along to watch the car so a serial killer won’t crawl in my back seat when I’m pumping gas.

I no longer drink Pepsi or Dr. Pepper since the people who make these products are atheists who refuse to put "Under God" on their cans .

I no longer use Saran wrap in the microwave because it causes cancer.

I can’t boil a cup of water in the microwave anymore because it will blow up in my face…disfiguring me for life.

I no longer check the coin return on pay phones because I could be pricked with an infected needle.    ; ; ;

 I  no longer go to shopping malls because someone will drug me with a perfume sample and rob me.

I no longer receive packages from UPS or FedEx since they are actually Al Qaeda in  disguise.

I no longer shop at Target since they are French and don’t support our American troops or the Salvation Army.

I no longer answer the phone because someone will ask me to dial a  number for which I will get a phone bill with calls to  Jamaica , Uganda , Singapore and Uzbekistan .

I no longer buy expensive cookies from Neiman Marcus since I now have their recipe.

I can’t use anyone’s toilet but mine because a big brown African spider is lurking under the seat to cause me instant death when it bites my butt.

I can’t ever pick up $5.00 I dropped in the parking lot because it probably was placed there by a sex molester waiting underneath my car to grab my leg.

I can no longer drive my car because I can’t buy gas from certain gas companies!

If you don’t send this e-mail to  at least 144,000 people in the next 70 minutes, a large dove with  diarrhea will land on your head at 5:00 PM this afternoon and the fleas from 12 camels  will infest your back, causing you to grow a hairy hump. I know this  will occur because it actually happened to a friend of my next door  neighbor’s ex-mother-in-law’s second husband’s cousin’s beautician…

Have a wonderful day….

No Comments »

Jan 23 2008

Posted by under Reality,Tips

From State police – Please Use *77

This is very important to know, please read and take heed. Stay safe while driving….

I knew about the red light on cars, but not *77. It was about 1:00 p.m. in the afternoon, and Lauren was driving to visit a friend. An UNMARKED police car pulled up behind her and put his lights on. Lauren’s parents have always told her never to pull over for an unmarked car on the side of the road, but rather to wait until they get to a gas station, etc. Lauren had actually listened to her parents advice, and promptly called *77 on her cell phone to tell the police dispatcher that she would not pull over right away.

She proceeded to tell the dispatcher that there was an unmarked police car with a flashing red light on his rooftop behind her. The dispatcher checked to see if there were police cars where she was and there weren’t, and he told her to keep driving, remain calm and that he had back up already on the way. Ten minutes later 4 cop cars surrounded her and the unmarked car behind her. One policeman went to her side and the others surrounded the car behind. They pulled the guy from the car and tackled him to the ground. The man was a convicted rapist and wanted for other crimes.

I never knew about the *77 Cell Phone Feature, but especially for a woman alone in a car, you should not pull over for an unmarked car. Apparently police have to respect your right to keep going to a safe & quiet place. You obviously need to make some signals that you acknowledge them (i.e. put on your hazard lights) or call *77 like Lauren did.

Too bad the cell phone companies don’ generally give you this little bit of wonderful information.

*Speaking to a service representative at **Bell** Mobility confirmed that *77 was a direct link to state trooper info. So, now it’s your turn to let your friends know about *77.

Send this to every woman (and person) you know; it may save a life. This applies to ALL 50 states.

3 Comments »

Jan 22 2008

Posted by under Humor

I need your help…

To all my dearest friends, I need some help.  

My cousin’s cat had kittens and he was able to give away all but 4 of them. I told him I would help him find homes for the last 4. I can’t take one because I am allergic, but if you could take just one it would be such a help and the kittens could have a nice home.


Since he lives by the Nuclear Power Plant, I’ll go pick them up for you.

 

I’ve attached pictures of the last 4 kittens.

Will you help?

 

 

If this brightened your day, don’t let it stop here. Pass it on with a smile. Keep spreading the Cheer.

No Comments »

Jan 21 2008

Posted by under Reality

2 TOUGH QUESTIONS

Question 1:

If you knew a woman who was pregnant, who had 8 kids already, three who
were deaf, two who were blind, one mentally retarded, and she had
syphilis, would you recommend that she have an abortion?

Read the next question before looking at the response for this one.

Question 2:

It is time to elect a new world leader, and only your vote counts.
Here are the facts about the three candidates. Who would you vote for?

Candidate A.

Associates with crooked politicians, and consults with astrologist.
He’s had two mistresses. He also chain smokes and drinks 8 to 10 martinis a day.

Candidate B.

He was kicked out of office twice, sleeps until noon , used opium in
college and drinks a quart of whiskey every evening.

Candidate C

He is a decorated war hero. He’s a vegetarian, doesn’t smoke, drinks an
occasional beer and never cheated on his wife.

Which of these candidates would be our choice?

Decide first… no peeking, then scroll down for the response.

Candidate A is Franklin D. Roosevelt.
Candidate B is Winston Churchill.
Candidate C is Adolph Hitler.

And, by the way, on your answer to the abortion question:

If you said YES, you just killed Beethoven.

Pretty interesting isn’t it? Makes a person think before judging someone.

Wait till you see the end of this note! Keep reading..

Remember:

Amateurs…built the ark.
Professionals…built the Titanic

And Finally, can you imagine working for a company that has a little more
than 500 employees and has the following statistics:

* 29 have been accused of spousal abuse
* 7 have been arrested for fraud
* 19 have been accused of writing bad checks
* 117 have directly or indirectly bankrupted at least 2 businesses
* 3 have done time for assault
* 71 cannot get a credit card due to bad credit
* 14 have been arrested on drug-related charges
* 8 have been arrested for shoplifting
* 21 are currently defendants in lawsuits
* 84 have been arrested for drunk driving in the last year…

Can you guess which organization this is?

Give up yet?

It’s the 535 members of the United States Congress.

The same group that crank out hundreds of new laws each year designed to
keep the rest of us in line.

You gotta pass this on….2 TOUGH QUESTIONS

 

47 Comments »

« Prev - Next »

E-Mail from Grandma - Blogged