Archive for February, 2008

Feb 25 2008

Posted by under Humor,Reality

NOW WE KNOW!!

On the first day, God created the dog and said:

‘Sit all day by the door of your house and bark at anyone who comes in
or walks past. For this, I will give you a life span of twenty years.’

The dog said: ‘That’s a long time to be barking. How about only ten
years and I’ll give you back the other ten?’

So God agreed.

On the second day, God created the monkey and said:

‘Entertain people, do tricks, and make them laugh. For this, I’ll give
you a twenty-year life span.’

The monkey said: ‘Monkey tricks for twenty years?
That’s a pretty long time to perform. How about I give you back ten like
the Dog did?’

And God agreed.

On the third day, God created the cow and said:

‘You must go into the field with the farmer all day long and suffer
under the sun, have calves and give milk to support the farmer’s
family. For this, I will give you a life span of sixty years.’

The cow said: ‘That’s kind of a tough life you want me to live for
sixty years. How about twenty and I’ll give back the other forty?’

And God agreed again.

On the fourth day, God created man and said:

‘Eat, sleep, play, marry and enjoy your life. For this, I’ll give you
twenty years.’

But man said: ‘Only twenty years? Could you possibly give me my
twenty,the forty the cow gave back, the ten the monkey gave back, and
the ten the dog gave back; that makes eighty, okay?’

‘Okay,’ said God, ‘You asked for it.’

So that is why for our first twenty years we eat, sleep, play and enjoy
ourselves. For the next forty years we slave in the sun to support our
family. For the next ten years we do monkey tricks to entertain the
grandchildren. And for the last ten years we sit on the front porch and
bark at everyone.

Life has now been explained to you.

There is no need to thank me for this valuable information. I’m doing it
as a public service.

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Feb 24 2008

Posted by under Humor

MENTAL HOSPITAL PHONE MENU

"Hello and thank you for calling The State Mental Hospital .

Please select from the following options menu: – 

If you are obsessive-compulsive, press 1 repeatedly.

If you are co-dependent, please ask someone to press 2 for you.

If you have multiple personalities, press 3, 4, 5 and 6.

If you are paranoid, we know who you are and what you want, stay on the line so we can trace your call.

If you are delusional, press 7 and your call will be forwarded to the Mother Ship.

If you are schizophrenic, listen carefully and a little voice will  tell  you which number to press.

If you are manic-depressive, it doesn’t matter which number you press, nothing will make you happy anyway.

If you are dyslexic, press 9696969696969696.

If you are bipolar, please leave a message after the beep or before the beep or after the beep. Please wait  for the beep .

If you have short-term memory loss, press 9. If you have short-term memory loss, press 9. If you have short-term memory loss, press 9.

If you have low self-esteem, please hang up our operators are too busy  to talk with you.

If you are menopausal, put the gun down, hang up, turn on the fan,  lie down and cry. You won’t be crazy forever.

If you are blonde, don’t press any buttons, you’ll just mess it up."

This coming week is National Mental Health Care week. You can do your part by remembering to contact at least one unstable person to show you care.  My job is done …..Your turn  ;-)

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Feb 23 2008

Posted by under Humor

talking parrots

Educating Parrots
A lady goes to her parish priest one day and tells him, "Father,
I have a problem. I have two female parrots but they only know
how to say one thing." "What do they say?" the priest inquired.
"They say, ‘Hi, we’re prostitutes. Do you want to have some
fun?" "That’s obscene!" the priest exclaimed, "I can see why you
are embarrassed." He thought a minute and then said, "You know,
I may have a solution to this problem. I have two male parrots
whom I have taught to pray and read the Bible.

Bring your two parrots over to my house and we will put them in
the cage with Francis and Job. My parrots can teach your parrots
to praise and worship. I’m sure your parrots will stop saying
that…that phrase in no time." "Thank you," the woman
responded, "this may very well be the solution."

The next day, she brought her female parrots to the priest’s
house. As he ushered her in, she saw this two male parrots were
inside their cage, hold their rosary beads and praying.
Impressed, she walked over and placed her parrots in with them.
After just a couple of seconds, the female parrots exclaimed out
in unison, "Hi, we’re prostitutes. Do you want to have some
fun?"

There was a stunned silence. Finally, one male parrot looked
over at the other male parrot and said, "Put the beads away,
Francis, our prayers have been answered!"

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Feb 22 2008

Posted by under Reality

IF YOU HAVE A DOG…

If you have a dog… PLEASE read this and send it on.  If you don’t have a dog, please pass along to friends who do.  

Written by: Laurinda Morris, DVM
Danville Veterinary Clinic
Danville , Ohio

This week I had the first case in history of raisin toxicity ever seen at MedVet.  My patient was a 56-pound, 5 yr old male neutered lab mix that ate half a canister of raisins sometime between 7:30 AM and 4:30 PM on Tuesday.  He started with vomiting, diarrhea and shaking about 1AM on Wednesday but the owner didn’t call my emergency service until 7AM.

I had heard somewhere about raisins AND grapes causing acute Renal failure but hadn’t seen any formal paper on the subject.  We had her bring the dog in immediately.  In the meantime, I called the ER service at MedVet, and the doctor there was like me – had heard something about it, but….   Anyway, we contacted the ASPCA National Animal Poison Control Center and they said to give IV fluids at 1-1/2 times maintenance and watch the kidney values for the next 48-72 hours.

The dog’s BUN (blood urea nitrogen level) was already at 32 (normal less than 27) and creatinine! Over 5 (1.9 is the high end of normal).  Both are monitors of kidney function in the bloodstream.  We placed an IV catheter and started the fluids.  Rechecked the renal values at 5 PM and the BUN was over 40 and creatinine over 7 with no urine production after a liter of fluids. At the point I felt the dog was in acute renal failure and sent him on to MedVet for a urinary catheter to monitor urine output overnight as well as overnight care.

He started vomiting again overnight at MedVet and his renal values have continued to increase daily.  He produced urine when given Lasix as a diuretic.  He was on 3 different anti-vomiting medications and they still couldn’t control his vomiting.  Today his urine output decreased again, his BUN was over 120, his creatinine was at 10, his phosphorus was very elevated and his blood pressure, which had been staying around 150, skyrocketed to 220… He continued to vomit and the owners elected to
Euthanize.

This is a very sad case – great dog, great owners who had no idea raisins could be toxin.  Please alert everyone you know who has a dog of this very serious risk.  Poison control said as few as 7 raisins or grapes could be toxic.  Many people I know give their dogs grapes or raisins as treats including our ex-handler’s.  Any exposure should give rise to immediate concern.

Even if you don’t have a dog, you might have friends who do.  This is worth passing on to them.

***Confirmation from Snopes about the above… http://www.snopes.com/critters/crusader/raisins.asp 

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