E-Mail from Grandma

One day, one friend asked another,
‘How is it that you are always so happy?
You have so much energy,
and you never seem to get down.’

YOU have to tell someone the Secret, too!
That GOD in His wisdom will take care of YOU!
But it’s not really a secret…
We just have to believe it and do it…
Really trust God!

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I wonder how many people know about this? A 36 year old female had an accident several weeks ago and Totaled her car. A resident of Kilgore , Texas she was traveling between Gladewater & Kilgore. It was raining, though not excessively, when her car suddenly began to hydro-plane and literally flew through the air. She was not seriously injured but very stunned at the sudden occurrence!


When she explained to the highway patrolman what had happened he told her something that every driver should know – NEVER DRIVE IN THE RAIN WITH YOUR CRUISE CONTROL ON. She thought she was being cautious by setting the cruise control and maintaining a safe consistent speed in the rain.
But the highway patrolman told her that if the cruise control is on when your car begins to hydro-plane and your tires lose contact with the pavement, your car will accelerate to a higher rate of speed making you take off like an airplane. She told the patrolman that was exactly what had occurred.
The patrolman said this warning should be listed, on the driver’s seat sun-visor – NEVER USE THE CRUISE CONTROL WHEN THE PAVEMENT IS WET OR ICY, along with the airbag warning. We tell our teenagers to set the cruise control and drive a safe speed – but we don’t te ll them to use the cruise control only when the pavement is dry.
The only person the accident victim found, who knew this (besides the patrolman), was a man who had had a similar accident, totaled his car and sustained severe injuries.
If you send this to 15 people and only one of them doesn’t know about this , then it was all worth it. You might have saved a life.
NOTE: Some vehicles (like the Toyota Sienna Limited XLE) will not allow you to set the cruise control when the windshield wipers are on

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AMAZINGLY SIMPLE HOME REMEDIES

1. A mousetrap, placed on top of your alarm clock, will prevent you from
rolling over and going back to sleep after you hit the snooze button.

2. If you have a bad cough, take a large dose of laxatives, then you will be
afraid to cough.

3. Clumsy? Avoid cutting yourself while slicing vegetables by getting
someone else to hold them while you chop away.

4. Avoid arguments with the Mrs. about lifting the toilet seat by simply
using the sink.

5. For high blood pressure sufferers: simply cut yourself and bleed for a
few minutes, thus reducing the pressure in your veins. Remember to use a
timer.

6. Have a bad toothache? Smash your thumb with a hammer and you will forget
about the toothache.

Sometimes, we just need to remember what the rules of life really are:

You only need two tools: WD-40 and Duct Tape. If it doesn’t move and should,
use the WD-40. If it shouldn’t move and does, use the duct tape.

Remember:
* Everyone seems normal until you get to know them.
* Never pass up an opportunity to go to the bathroom.
* If you woke up breathing, congratulations! You get another chance.

And finally, be really nice to your family and friends; you never know when
you might need them to empty your bedpan.

……….I especially like #2….hahaha

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This is an actual job application that a 75 year old senior citizen submitted to Walmart in Arkansas .
They hired him because he was so funny…..

NAME: Kenneth Way (Grumpy Old Bastard)

SEX: Not lately, but I am looking for the right woman (or at least one who
will cooperate)

DESIRED POSITION:  Company’s President or Vice President.  But seriously,
whatever’s available.  If I was in a position to be picky, I wouldn’t be
applying here in the first place

DESIRED SALARY:  $185,000 a year plus stock options and a Michael Ovitz
style severance package.  If that’s not possible, make an offer and we can
haggle.

EDUCATION: Yes.

LAST POSITION HELD:  Target for middle management hostility.

PREVIOUS SALARY:  A lot less than I’m worth.

MOST NOTABLE ACHIEVEMENT:  My incredible collection of stolen pens and
post-it notes.

REASON FOR LEAVING: It sucked.

HOURS AVAILABLE TO WORK:  Any.

PREFERRED HOURS:  1:30-3:30 p.m.  Monday, Tuesday, and Thursday.

DO YOU HAVE ANY SPECIAL SKILLS?:  Yes, but they’re better suited to a more
intimate environment

MAY WE CONTACT YOUR CURRENT EMPLOYER?:    If I had one, would I be here?

DO YOU HAVE ANY PHYSICAL CONDITIONS THAT WOULD PROHIBIT YOU FROM LIFTING UP
TO 50 lbs.?:  Of what?

DO YOU HAVE A CAR?: I think the more appropriate question here would be "Do
you have a car that runs?"

HAVE YOU RECEIVED ANY SPECIAL AWARDS OR RECOGNITION?:  I may already be a
winner of the Publishers Clearing House Sweepstakes, so they tell me.

DO YOU SMOKE?:  On the job – no! 
                            On my breaks – yes!

WHAT WOULD YOU LIKE TO BE DOING IN FIVE YEARS?: Living in the Bahamas with a
fabulously wealthy dumb sexy blonde supermodel who thinks I’m the greatest
thing since sliced bread.  Actually, I’d like to be doing that now.

NEAREST RELATIVE ….7 miles

DO YOU CERTIFY THAT THE ABOVE IS TRUE AND COMPLETE TO THE BEST OF YOUR
KNOWLEDGE?:  Oh yes, absolutely.

***Old People Rock! ***

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