Archive for July, 2008

Jul 29 2008

Posted by under Humor

GOTTA PEE…….!

GOTTA PEE

Two women friends had gone for a girl’s
night out.Both were very faithful and loving wives,
however they had gotten over-enthusiastic on the Bacardi
Breezers.

Incredibly drunk and walking home they
needed to pee, so they stopped in the cemetery.

One of them had nothing to wipe with so she
thought she would take off her panties and use them.

Her friend, however, was wearing a rather
expensive pair of panties and did not want to ruin them.

She was lucky enough to squat down next to
a grave that had a wreath with a ribbon on it, so she
proceeded to wipe with that.

After the girls did their business they
proceeded to go home.

The next day one of the woman’s husband
was concerned That his normally sweet and innocent wife was
still in bed hung over, so he phoned the other husband and
said:
"These girls nights have got to stop!
I’m starting to suspect the worst. My wife came home
with no panties!!’

"That’s nothing" said the
other husband,
"Mine came back with a card stuck to
her ass that said…..

"From all of us at the Fire Station.
We’ll never forget you.”

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Jul 28 2008

Posted by under Humor

THEN THE FIGHT STARTED…….

When I got home last night, my wife demanded that I take her someplace expensive….
so, I took her to a gas station…..
And then the fight started….

********************************************

After retiring, I went to the Social Security office to apply for Social
Security. The woman behind the counter asked me for my driver’s license
to verify my age. I looked in my pockets and realized I had left my
wallet at home.

I told the woman that I was very sorry, but I would have to go home and
come back later.

The woman said, ‘Unbutton your shirt’.

So I opened my shirt revealing my curly silver hair.
She said, ‘That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me’
and she processed my Social Security application.

When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about my experience at the
Social Security office.

She said, ‘You should have dropped your pants. You might have gotten
disability, too’

And then the fight started…..

***********************************************************************

My wife and I were sitting at a table at my high school reunion, and I
kept staring at a drunken lady swigging her drink as she sat alone at a
nearby table.

My wife asked,’ Do you know her?’
‘Yes,’ I sighed, ‘She’s my old girlfriend. I understand she took to
drinking right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear she
hasn’t been sober since.’

‘My God!’ says my wife, ‘Who would think a person could go on
celebrating that long?’

And then the fight started…..

***********************************************************************

I rear-ended a car this morning.

So, the re we were alongside the road and slowly the o the r driver got out
of his car.

You know how sometimes you just get soooo stressed and little things
just seem funny?

Yeah, well I couldn’t believe it…. he was a DWARF!!!

He stormed over to my car, looked up at me, and shouted, ‘I AM NOT
HAPPY!!!’

So, I looked down at him and said, ‘Well, then which one are you?’

And then the fight started…..

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Jul 25 2008

Posted by under Humor

WHY PARENTS DRINK….

The boss wondered why one of his most valued employees was absent but
had not phoned in sick one day. Needing to have an urgent problem with
one of the main computers resolved, he dialed the employee’s home phone
number and was greeted with a child’s whisper. ‘ Hello ? ‘

‘Is your daddy home?’ he asked.

‘ Yes ,’ whispered the small voice.

May I talk with him?’

The child whispered, ‘ No .’

Surprised and wanting to talk with an adult, the boss asked, ‘Is your
Mommy there?’ ‘ Yes ‘

‘May I talk with her?’ Again the small voice whispered, ‘ No ‘

Hoping there was somebody with whom he could leave a message, the boss
asked, ‘Is anybody else there?’

‘ Yes ,’ whispered the child, ‘ a policeman. ‘

Wondering what a cop would be doing at his employee’s home, the boss
asked, ‘May I speak with the policeman?’

‘ No, he’s busy , ‘ whispered the child.

‘Busy doing what?’

‘ Talking to Daddy and Mommy and the Fireman , ‘ came the whispered
answer.

Growing more worried as he heard a loud noise in the background through
the earpiece on the phone, the boss asked, ‘What is that noise?’

‘ A helicopter ‘ answered the whispering voice.

‘What is going on there?’ demanded the boss, now truly apprehensive.

Again, whispering, the child answered,

‘ The search team just landed a helicopter ‘

Alarmed, concerned and a little frustrated the boss asked, ‘What are
they searching for?’

Still whispering, the young voice replied with a muffled giggle…

‘ ME . ‘

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Jul 23 2008

Posted by under Humor

HA HA HA HA HA HA……..

The madam opened the brothel door and saw a rather dignified well-dressed, good-looking man in his late 40s or early 50’s.
 
‘May I help you?’ she asked.
 
I want to see Valerie,’ the man replied.
 
‘Sir, Valerie is one of our most expensive ladies. Perhaps you would prefer someone else,’ said the madam. 
 
‘No. I must see Valerie,’ he replied.
 
Just then, Valerie appeared and announced to the man that she charged $5,000 a visit. Without hesitation, the man pulled out five thousand dollars and gave it to Valerie, and they went upstairs. After an hour, the man calmly left.
 
The next night, the same man appeared again, once more demanding to see Valerie. Valerie explained that no one had ever come back two nights in a row — too expensive — and there were no discounts. The price was still $5,000.
 
Again the man pulled out the money, gave it to Valerie, and they went upstairs. After an hour, he left.
 
The following night the man was there yet again. Everyone was astounded that he had come for a third consecutive night, but he paid Valerie and they went upstairs. 
 
After their session, Valerie questioned the man. ‘No one has ever been with me three nights in a row. Where are you from?’ she asked.
The man replied ‘Boston‘.
 
‘Really’ she said. ‘I have family in Boston.’
 
‘I know,’ the man said. ‘Your father died, and I am your sister’s attorney. She asked me to give you your $15,000 inheritance.’
 
The moral of the story is that three things in life are certain:

$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$
 
1. Death
 
2 Taxes ……. and
 
3. Being screwed by a lawyer

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