Archive for August, 2008

Aug 13 2008

Posted by under Humor

AMISH ELEVATOR

          An Amish boy and his father were in a mall.  They were amazed by
>       almost everything the y saw, but especially by two shiny, silver walls that
>       could move apart and then slide back together again.

>          The boy asked, ‘What is this, Father?’

>          The father (never having seen an elevator) responded, ‘Son, I have
>       never seen anything like this in my life. I don’t know what it is’.

>          While the boy and his fa the r were watching with amazement, a ‘large’
>       old lady in a wheelchair moved up to the moving walls and pressed a
>       button.

>          The walls opened and the lady rolled between the m into a small
>       room.  The walls closed and the boy and his father watched the small circular
>       numbers above the walls light up sequentially.  They continued to
>       watch until it reached the last number and the n the numbers began to
>       light in the reverse order.  Finally the walls opened up again and a
>       gorgeous 24-year-old blonde stepped out.

>          The father said quietly to his son…..   ‘Go get your mother.’

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Aug 04 2008

Posted by under Humor

SERENITY

Just before the  funeral services, the undertaker came up to the very
elderly widow  and asked,
‘How old was your husband?’ ’98,’ she  replied.
‘Two years older than  me’
‘So you’re 96,’ the  undertaker commented.
She responded, ‘Hardly worth  going home, is it?
 
 
 
Reporters  interviewing a 104-year-old woman:
‘And what  do you think is the best thing
about being  104?’ the reporter asked.
She simply  replied, ‘No peer pressure.’
 
 
 
  The nice thing about being  senile is
you can hide your own  Easter eggs.
  I’ve sure gotten old!
I’ve had two bypass surgeries, a hip replacement,
new knees, fought  prostate cancer and diabetes.
I’m half  blind, can’t hear anything quieter  than a jet engine,
take 40 different  medications that make me dizzy, winded, and  subject to
blackouts.  Have bouts with  dementia. Have poor  circulation;
hardly feel my hands and  feet anymore.  Can’t remember if I’m 85 or 92.
Have lost all my friends.  But, thank God,
I still have my driver’s  license.
 
 
 
I feel like my  body has gotten totally out of shape,
so I got my  doctor’s permission to
join a fitness club and  start exercising.
I decided to take an  aerobics class for seniors.
I bent,  twisted, gyrated, jumped up and down, and perspired for an hour.
But, by the time I got my leotards on, the  class was over.
 
 
 
An elderly  woman decided to prepare her will and
told her preacher she  had two final requests.
First, she  wanted to be cremated, and second,
she wanted  her ashes scattered over Wal-Mart.
‘Wal-Mart?’ the preacher  exclaimed.
‘Why Wal-Mart?’   ‘Then I’ll be sure my  daughters visit me twice a week’
  My memory’s not as sharp as  it used to be.
Also, my memory’s not as  sharp as it used to be.
  Know how to prevent  sagging?
Just eat till the  wrinkles fill out.
  It’s scary when you start  making the same noises
as your coffee  maker.
 
These days  about half the stuff in my shopping cart  says,
‘For fast  relief.’
 
THE  SENILITY PRAYER :
Grant me the senility to  forget the people I never liked  anyway, the good
fortune to run into  the ones I do, and the eyesight to tell the
difference.
 
Now, I think you’re  supposed to share this with 5 or 6, maybe 10 others. Oh
heck, give it to a  bunch of your friends if you can remember who they are!
 
Always  Remember This:
You don’t stop laughing because you  grow old,
You grow old  because you stop laughing

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Aug 03 2008

Posted by under Religion

LORD PROP US UP…


Every time I am asked to pray, I think of the old deacon who always prayed, ‘Lord, prop us up on our leanin’ side.’ After hearing him pray that prayer many times, someone asked him why he prayed that prayer so fervently.

He answered, ‘Well sir, you see, it’s like this… I got an old barn out back. It’s been there a long time; it’s withstood a lot of weather; it’s gone through a lot of storms, and it’s stood for many years.
It’s still standing. But one day I noticed it was leaning to one side a bit.

So I went and got some pine poles and propped it up on its leaning side so it wouldn’t fall.

Then I got to thinking about that and how much I was like that old barn. I’ve been around a long time.

I’ve withstood a lot of life’s storms. I’ve withstood a lot?of bad weather in life, I’ve withstood a lot of hard times, and I’m still standing too. But I find myself leaning to one side from time to time, so I like to ask the Lord to prop us up on our leaning side, ’cause I figure a lot of us get to leaning at times.

Sometimes we get to leaning toward anger, leaning toward bitterness, leaning toward hatred, leaning toward cussing, leaning toward a lot of things that we shouldn’t . So we need to pray, ‘Lord, prop us up on our leaning side, so we will stand straight and tall again, to glorify the Lord.”


If you stare at this barn for a second you will see who will help us stand straight and tall again.

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Aug 02 2008

Posted by under Humor

FUNNY LAWYERS

These are from a book called Disorder in the American Courts, and are things 
people actually said in court, word for word , taken down and now published 
by court reporters who had the torment of staying calm while these exchanges 
were actually taking place.
 
ATTORNEY: Are you sexually active?
 WITNESS: No, I just lie there.
 ____________________________________________________________________
 ATTORNEY: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
 WITNESS: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.
 ______________________________________
 ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
 WITNESS: Yes.
 ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
 WITNESS: I forget.
 ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you forgot?
 _____________________________________
 ATTORNEY: What was the first thing your husband said to you that morning?
 WITNESS: He said, ‘Where am I, Cathy?’
 ATTORNEY: And why did that upset you?
 WITNESS: My name is Susan!
 ______________________ ________________
 ATTORNEY: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in voodoo?
 WITNESS: We both do.
 ATTORNEY: Voodoo?
 WITNESS: We do.
 ATTORNEY: You do?
 WITNESS: Yes, voodoo.
 ______________________________________
 ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isn’t it true that when a person dies in his sleep, 
he doesn’t know about it until the next morning?
 WITNESS: ; Did you actually pass the bar exam?
 ____________________________________
 ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the twenty-year-old, how old is he?
 WITNESS: Uh, he’s twenty-one.
 ________________________________________
 ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken?
 WITNESS: Are you shittin’ me?
 ______________________________________
 ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
 WITNESS: Yes.
 ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time?
 WITNESS: Uh…. I was gettin’ laid!
 ______________________________________
 ATTORNEY: She had three children, right?
 WITNESS: Yes.
 ATTORNEY: How many were boys?
 WITNESS: None.
 ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?
 WITNESS : Are you shittin’ me? Your Honor, I think I need a different 
attorney. Can I get a new attorney?
 ______________________________________
 ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated?
 WITNESS: By death.
 ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?
 WITNESS: Now whose death do you suppose terminated it?
 ______________________________________
 ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual?
 WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard.
 ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female?
 WITNESS: Guess.
 _____________________________________
 ATTORNEY: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition 
notice which I sent to your attorney?
 WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.
 ______________________________________
 ATTORNEY: Doctor, how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead 
people?
 WITNESS: All my autopsies are performed on dead people. Would you like 
to rephrase that?
 ______________________________________
 ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you go to?
 WITNESS: Oral.
 ______________________________________
 ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
 WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 P.M.
 ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?
 WITNESS: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an 
autopsy on him!
 ____________________________________________
 ATTORNEY: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
 WITNESS: Huh….are you qualified to ask that question?
 ______________________________________
 And the best for last:
_____________________________________
 ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a 
pulse?
 WITNESS: No.
 ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?
 WITNESS: No.
 ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?
 WITNESS: No.
 ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began 
the autopsy?
 WITNESS: No.
 ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
 WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
 ATTORNEY: I see, but could the patient have still been alive, 
nevertheless?
 WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and 
practicing law

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