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Aug 02 2008 02:51 pm

Posted by under Humor

FUNNY LAWYERS

These are from a book called Disorder in the American Courts, and are things 
people actually said in court, word for word , taken down and now published 
by court reporters who had the torment of staying calm while these exchanges 
were actually taking place.
 
ATTORNEY: Are you sexually active?
 WITNESS: No, I just lie there.
 ____________________________________________________________________
 ATTORNEY: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
 WITNESS: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.
 ______________________________________
 ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
 WITNESS: Yes.
 ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
 WITNESS: I forget.
 ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you forgot?
 _____________________________________
 ATTORNEY: What was the first thing your husband said to you that morning?
 WITNESS: He said, ‘Where am I, Cathy?’
 ATTORNEY: And why did that upset you?
 WITNESS: My name is Susan!
 ______________________ ________________
 ATTORNEY: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in voodoo?
 WITNESS: We both do.
 ATTORNEY: Voodoo?
 WITNESS: We do.
 ATTORNEY: You do?
 WITNESS: Yes, voodoo.
 ______________________________________
 ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isn’t it true that when a person dies in his sleep, 
he doesn’t know about it until the next morning?
 WITNESS: ; Did you actually pass the bar exam?
 ____________________________________
 ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the twenty-year-old, how old is he?
 WITNESS: Uh, he’s twenty-one.
 ________________________________________
 ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken?
 WITNESS: Are you shittin’ me?
 ______________________________________
 ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
 WITNESS: Yes.
 ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time?
 WITNESS: Uh…. I was gettin’ laid!
 ______________________________________
 ATTORNEY: She had three children, right?
 WITNESS: Yes.
 ATTORNEY: How many were boys?
 WITNESS: None.
 ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?
 WITNESS : Are you shittin’ me? Your Honor, I think I need a different 
attorney. Can I get a new attorney?
 ______________________________________
 ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated?
 WITNESS: By death.
 ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?
 WITNESS: Now whose death do you suppose terminated it?
 ______________________________________
 ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual?
 WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard.
 ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female?
 WITNESS: Guess.
 _____________________________________
 ATTORNEY: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition 
notice which I sent to your attorney?
 WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.
 ______________________________________
 ATTORNEY: Doctor, how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead 
people?
 WITNESS: All my autopsies are performed on dead people. Would you like 
to rephrase that?
 ______________________________________
 ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you go to?
 WITNESS: Oral.
 ______________________________________
 ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
 WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 P.M.
 ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?
 WITNESS: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an 
autopsy on him!
 ____________________________________________
 ATTORNEY: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
 WITNESS: Huh….are you qualified to ask that question?
 ______________________________________
 And the best for last:
_____________________________________
 ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a 
pulse?
 WITNESS: No.
 ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?
 WITNESS: No.
 ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?
 WITNESS: No.
 ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began 
the autopsy?
 WITNESS: No.
 ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
 WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
 ATTORNEY: I see, but could the patient have still been alive, 
nevertheless?
 WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and 
practicing law





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