Archive for October, 2008

Oct 23 2008

Posted by under Humor

ATTENTION EMPLOYEES

Dear Employees:

It has been brought to management’s attention that some individuals throughout the company have been using foul language during the course of normal conversation with their co-workers.
Due to complaints received from some employees who may be easily offended, this type of language will no longer be tolerated. Therefore, a list of 18 New and Innovative ‘TRY SAYING’ phrases have been provided so that proper exchange of ideas and information can continue in an effective manner.

Number 1
TRY SAYING: I think you could use more training.
INSTEAD OF: You don’t know what the f___ you’re doing.

Number 2
TRY SAYING:She’s an aggressive go-getter.
INSTEAD OF:She’s a f___ing bit__.

Number 3
TRY SAYING:Perhaps I can work late .
INSTEAD OF: And when the f___ do you expect me to do this?

Number 4
TRY SAYING: I’m certain that isn’t feasible.
INSTEAD OF: No f___ing way.

Number 5
TRY SAYING:Really?
INSTEAD OF:You’ve got to be sh___ing me!

Number 6
TRY SAYING:Perhaps you should check with…
INSTEAD OF:Tell someone who gives a sh__.

Number 7
TRY SAYING: I wasn’t involved in the project.
INSTEAD OF:It’s not my f___ing problem.

Number 8
TRY SAYING:That’s interesting.
INSTEAD OF:What the f___?

Number 9
TRY SAYING: I’m not sure this can be implemented.
INSTEAD OF:This sh__ won’t work.

Number 10
TRY SAYING:I’ll try to schedule that.
INSTEAD OF: Why the f___ didn’t you tell me sooner?

Number 11
TRY SAYING:He’s not familiar with the issues.
INSTEAD OF:He’s got his head up his a__.
 
 Number 12
TRY SAYING:Excuse me, sir?
INSTEAD OF: Eat sh__ and die.

Number 13
TRY SAYING: So you weren’t happy with it?
INSTEAD OF:Kiss my a__.

Number 14
TRY SAYING: I’m a bit overloaded at the moment.
INSTEAD OF: F__it, I’m on salary.

Number 15
TRY SAYING: I don’t think you understand.
INSTEAD OF: Shove it up your a__.

Number 16
TRY SAYING: I love a challenge.
INSTEAD OF:This f___ing job sucks.

Number 17
TRY SAYING: You want me to take care of that?
 INSTEAD OF: Who the f___ died and made you boss?

Number 18
TRY SAYING:He’s somewhat insensitive.
INSTEAD OF:He’s a pr_ck.

Thank You,
HumanResources

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Oct 07 2008

Posted by under Feel Good

Hot Chocolate

Hot Chocolate

 

A group of graduates, well established in their careers, were talking at a reunion and decided to go visit their old university professor, now retired. During their visit, the conversation turned to complaints about stress in their work and lives. 

Offering his guests hot chocolate, the professor went into the kitchen and returned with a large pot of hot chocolate and an assortment of cups – porcelain, glass, crystal, some plain-looking, some expensive, some exquisite – telling them to help themselves to the hot chocolate. 

When they all had a cup of hot chocolate in hand, the professor said:  "Notice that all the nice-looking, expensive cups were taken, leaving behind the plain and cheap ones.  While it is normal for you to want only the best for yourselves, that is the source of your problems and stress.  The cup that you’re drinking from adds nothing to the quality of the hot chocolate.  In most cases, it is just more expensive, and in some cases, even hides what we drink.  What all of you really wanted was hot chocolate, not the cup; but you consciously went for the best cups….  And then you began eyeing each other’s cups. 

Now consider this: Life is the hot chocolate; your job, money and position in society are the cups.  They are just tools to hold and contain life.  The cup you have does not define, nor change the quality of life you have.  Sometimes, by concentrating only on the cup, we fail to enjoy the hot chocolate God has provided us.  God makes the hot chocolate; man chooses the cups. 

The happiest people don’t have the best of everything.  They just make the best of everything that they have. 

Live simply.  Love generously.  Care deeply. Speak kindly .   
And enjoy your hot chocolate.

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Oct 03 2008

Posted by under Humor

WHEN I’M 100, IF I LEAN A LITTLE, LET ME!!!

WHEN I’M 100, IF I LEAN A LITTLE, LET ME!!

The family wheeled Grandma out on the lawn, in her wheelchair, where 
the activities for her 100th birthday were taking place. Grandma
couldn’t speak very well, but she would write notes when she needed
to communicate.

After a short time out on the lawn, Grandma started leaning off to
the right, so some family20members grabbed her, straightened her up,
and stuffed pillows on her right.
A short time later, she started leaning off to her left, so a gain the
family grabbed her and stuffed pillows on her left.

Soon she started leaning forward, so the family members again grabbed
her, and then tied a pillowcase around her waist to hold her up.

A nephew who arrived late came up to Grandma and said, ‘Hi, Grandma,
you’re looking good! How are they treating you?’

Grandma took out her little notepad and slowly wrote a note to the 
nephew……

 

‘Bastards won’t let me fart.’

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E-Mail from Grandma - Blogged