Archive for March, 2009

Mar 27 2009

Posted by under Humor

THE GORILLA AND THE REDNECK !!!!!

A small redneck Wild Animal Park had acquired a very rare species of gorilla. Within a few weeks, the female gorilla became very "in the mood", and difficult to handle.
Upon examination, the park veterinarian determined the problem. The gorilla was in heat. To make matters worse, there were no male gorillas of the species available.
While reflecting on their problem, the park administrators noticed Ed, a part-time redneck intern, responsible for cleaning the animals’ cages. Ed, like most rednecks, had little sense, but possessed ample ability to satisfy a female of ANY species.
So, the park administrators thought they might have a solution. Ed was approached with a proposition. Would he be willing to have sex with the gorilla for $500? Ed showed some interest, but said he would have to think the matter over carefully.
The following day, Ed announced that he would accept their offer, but only under three conditions.
"First," he said, "I don’t want to have to kiss her. Secondly, you must never tell anyone about this."
The park administration quickly agreed to these conditions, so they asked what was his third condition.
"Well," said Ed, "You gotta give me another week to come up with the $500."

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Mar 26 2009

Posted by under Reality,Tips

Please read and be warned.

Jury Duty Scam DO NOT DELETE WITHOUT READING ! 
  
This has been verified by the FBI (their link is also included below). Please pass this on to everyone in your email address book. It is spreading fast so be prepare d should you get this call. Most of us take those summonses for jury duty seriously, but enough people skip out on their civic duty, that a new and ominous kind of fraud has surfaced. 
  
The caller claims to be a jury coordinator. If you protest that you never receive d a summons for jury duty, the scammer asks you for your Social Security number and date of birth so he or she can verify the information and cancel the arrest warrant. Give out any of this information and bingo; your identity was just stolen. 
  
The fraud has been reported so far in 11 states, including Oklahoma , Illinois , and Colorado . This (swindle) is particularly insidious because they use intimidation over the phone to try to bully people into giving information on by pretending they are with the court system. The FBI and the federal court system have issued nationwide alerts on their web sites, warning consumers about the fraud. 
  
Check it out here: http://www.fbi.gov/page2/june06/jury_scams060206.htm <http://www.fbi.gov/page2/june06/jury_scams060206.htm> 
 
And here: http://www.snopes.com/crime/fraud/juryduty.asp <http://www.snopes.com/crime/fraud/juryduty.asp> 
 
Yep! It’s true 
  
Please make sure and pass this on! Especially tell the elderly in your family, they are so easily confused, and they are the ones that are the easiest to prey on!! Thanks 
 

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Mar 25 2009

Posted by under Uncategorized

HAIR CUT ANYONE??????

A guy stuck his head into a barber shop and asked, "How long before I can get a haircut?

 

The barber looked around the shop full of customers and said, "About 2 hours."

The guy left.

 

A few days later, the same guy stuck his head in the door and asked,

"How long before I can get a haircut?"

 

The barber looked around at the shop and said, "About 3 hours."

The guy left.

 

A week later, the same guy stuck his head in the shop and asked, "How

long before I can get a haircut?"

 

The barber looked around the shop and said, "About an hour and half."

The guy left.

 

The barber turned to a friend and said, "Hey, Bob, do me a favor.

Follow that guy and see where he goes. He keeps asking how long

he has to wait for a haircut, but then he doesn’t ever come back."

 

A little while later, Bob returned to the shop, laughing hysterically.

The barber asked, "So where does that guy go when he leaves?"

 

Bob looked up, tears in his eyes and said, "Your house."

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Mar 24 2009

Posted by under Humor

children in church

A little boy was attending his first wedding.
After the service, his cousin asked him, "How many women can a man marry?"
"Sixteen," the boy responded..  His cousin was amazed that he had an answer so quickly.
"How do you know that?"
"Easy," the little boy said.
"All you have to do is add it up, like the pastor said,
4 better, 4 worse, 4 richer, 4 poorer."
 

 
After a church service on Sunday morning, a young boy suddenly announced to his mother,
"Mom, I’ve decided to become a minister when I grow up."
"That’s okay with us, but what made you decide that?"
"Well," said the little boy, "I have to go to church on Sunday anyway,
and I figure it will be more fun to stand up and yell, than to sit and listen."
 
 
 
 
A 6-year-old was overheard reciting the Lord’s Prayer at a church service,
"And forgive us our trash passes, as we forgive those who passed trash against us."
 

 

A boy was watching his father, a pastor, write a sermon.
"How do you know what to say?" he asked.
"Why, God tells me."
"Oh, then why do you keep crossing things out?"
 


A little girl became restless as the preacher’s sermon dragged on and on.
Finally, she leaned over to her mother and whispered,
"Mommy, if we give him the money now, will he let us go?"
 


Ms.  Terri asked her Sunday School class to draw pictures of their favorite Bible stories. 
She was puzzled by Kyle’s picture, which showed four people on an airplane, so she asked him which story it was meant to represent.
"The Flight to Egypt ," was his reply.
Pointing at each figure, Ms.. Terri said, "That must be Mary, Joseph, and Baby Jesus.  But who’s the fourth person?"
"Oh, that’s Pontius – the pilot!"
 
 
 
The Sunday School Teacher asks, "Now, Johnny, tell me frankly do you say prayers before eating?"
"No sir," little Johnny replies, I don’t have to. My mom is a good cook."
 
 
 
 

This is the best one.

A little girl was sitting on her grandfather’s lap as he read her a bedtime story.
From time to time, she would take her eyes off the book and reach up to touch
his wrinkled cheek.
 
She was alternately stroking her own cheek, then his again.
Finally she spoke up, "Grandpa, did God make you?"
"Yes, sweetheart," he answered, "God made me a long time ago."
"Oh," she paused, "Grandpa, did God make me too?"
"Yes, indeed, honey," he said, "God made you just a little while ago."
Feeling their respective faces again, she observed, "God’s getting better at it, isn’t he ?"
 

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