Archive for March, 2009

Mar 23 2009

Posted by under Uncategorized

That Old, HUH?

Garage Door

The boss walked into the office one morning not knowing his zipper was down and his fly area wide open. His assistant walked up to him and said, "This morning when you left your house, did you close your garage door?" The boss told her he knew he’d closed the garage door, and walked into his office puzzled by the question.

As he finished his paperwork, he suddenly noticed his fly was open, and zipped it up. He then understood his assistant’s question about his ‘garage door.’

He headed out for a cup of coffee and paused by her desk to ask, "When my garage door was open, did you see my Hummer parked in there?"

She smiled and said, "No, I didn’t. All I saw was an old mini van with two flat tires."


An elderly gentleman…
Had serious hearing problems for a number of years.
 

He went to the doctor and the doctor was able to have him fitted for a set of hearing aids that allowed the gentleman to hear 100%.


The elderly gentleman went back in a month to the doctor and the doctor said,
"Your hearing is perfect. Your family must be really pleased that you can hear again."
The gentleman replied,
"Oh, I haven’t told my family yet.
I just sit around and listen to the conversations.
 I’ve changed my will three times!"

Two elderly gentlemen from a retirement center were sitting on a bench under a tree when one turns to the other and says: "Slim, I’m 83 years old now and I’m just full of aches and pains.  I know you’re about my age. How do you feel?"


Slim says, "I feel just like a newborn baby."


"Really!? Like a newborn baby!?"


"Yep. No hair, no teeth, and I think I just wet my pants."


An elderly couple had dinner at another couple’s house, and after eating, the wives left the table and went into the kitchen.


The two gentlemen were talking, and one said, "Last night we went out to a new restaurant and it was really great.  I would recommend it very highly."


The other man said, "What is the name of the restaurant?"


The first man thought and thought and finally said, "What is the name of that flower you give to someone you love?  You know… The one that’s red and has thorns."


"Do you mean a rose?"


"Yes, that’s the one," replied the man.. He then turned towards the kitchen and yelled, "Rose, what’s the name of that restaurant we went to last night?"

 


Hospital regulations require a wheel chair for patients being discharged.
 However, while working as a student nurse, I found one elderly gentleman already dressed and sitting on the bed with a suitcase at his feet, who insisted he didn’t need my help to leave the hospital.


After a chat about rules being rules, he reluctantly let me wheel him to the elevator.


On the
  way down I asked him if his wife was meeting him.  "I don’t know," he said..  "She’s still upstairs in the bathroom changing out of her hospital gown."

Couple in their nineties are both having problems remembering things. During a checkup, the doctor tells them that they’re physically okay, but they might want to start writing things down to help them remember.

Later that night, while watching TV, the old man gets up from his chair. "Want anything while I’m in the kitchen?" he asks.


"Will you get me a bowl of ice cream?" "Sure."


"Don’t you think you should write it down so you can remember it?" she asks.
"No, I can remember it."
"Well, I’d like some strawberries on top, too.  Maybe you should write it down, so’s not to forget it?"
He says,
"I can remember that. You want a bowl of ice cream with strawberries."
"I’d also like whipped cream.  I’m certain you’ll forget that, write it down? " she asks.
Irritated, he says,
"I don’t need to write it down, I can remember it!  Ice cream with strawberries and whipped cream – I got it, for goodness sake!"


Then he toddles into the kitchen.
 After about 20 minutes, the old man returns from the kitchen and hands his wife a plate of bacon and eggs.  She stares at the plate for a moment.
"Where’s my toast ?"

A senior citizen said to his eighty-year old buddy:
"So I hear you’re getting married?"
"Yep!"
"Do I know her?"
"Nope!"
"This woman, is she good looking?"
"Not really."
"Is she a good cook?"
"Naw, she can’t cook too well."
"Does she have lots of money?"
"Nope! Poor as a church mouse."
"Well, then, is she good in bed?"
"I don’t know."
"Why in the world do you want to marry her then?"
"Because she can still drive!"

Three old guys are out walking.
First one says, "Windy, isn’t it?"
Second one says, "No, it’s Thursday!"
Third one says, "So am I. Let’s go get a beer."

A man was telling his neighbor, "I just bought a new hearing aid.  It cost me four thousand dollars, but it’s state of the art. It’s perfect."
"Really," answered the neighbor . "What kind is it?"
"Twelve thirty."

Morris, an 82 year-old man, went to the doctor to get a physical..
A few days later, the doctor saw Morris walking down the street with a gorgeous young woman on his arm.
A couple of days later, the doctor spoke to Morris and said, "You’re really doing great, aren’t you?"
Morris replied, "Just doing what you said, Doc: "Get a hot mamma and be cheerful.”
The doctor said, "I didn’t say that. I said, "You’ve got a heart murmur; be careful."



One more
. . . !


A little old man shuffled slowly into an ice cream parlor and pulled himself slowly, painfully, up onto a stool.. After catching his breath, he ordered a banana split.
The waitress asked kindly, "Crushed nuts?"
"No," he replied, "Arthritis."

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Mar 22 2009

Posted by under Humor

Denny’s special

In honor of the mother of the octuplets, Denny’s is offering a new breakfast meal:

You get fourteen eggs, no sausage, and the guy next to you has to pay the bill.

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Mar 21 2009

Posted by under Humor

A Wise Approach

An old prospector shuffled into town leading an old tired mule. The old man headed straight for the only saloon in town to clear his parched throat.

He walked up to the saloon and tied his old mule to the hitch rail. As he stood there brushing some of the dust from his face and clothes, a young gunslinger stepped out of the saloon with a gun in one hand and a bottle of whiskey in the other.  The young gunslinger looked at the old man and laughed, saying, ‘Hey old man, have you ever danced?’

The old man looked up at the gunslinger and said, ‘No, I never did dance, — just never wanted to.’

A crowd had gathered quickly and the gunslinger grinned and said, ‘Well, you old fool, you’re gonna’ dance now,’ and started shooting at the old man’s feet. The old prospector, in order to not get a toe blown off or his boots perforated, was soon hopping around like a flea on a hot skillet and everybody was laughing.

When the last bullet had been fired the young gunslinger, still laughing, holstered his gun and turned around to go back into the saloon. The old man turned to his pack mule, pulled out a double barreled shotgun, and cocked both hammers back. The loud, audible double clicks carried clearly through the desert air. The crowd stopped laughing immediately. The young gunslinger heard the sounds, too, and he turned around very slowly. The quiet was almost deafening. The crowd watched as the young gunman stared at the old timer and the large gaping holes of those twin barrels. He found it hard to swallow. The barrels of the shotgun never wavered in the old man’s hands.

The old man said, ‘Son, did you ever kiss a mule’s ass?’

The boy bully swallowed hard and said, ‘No. But I’ve always wanted to.’
 
There are two lessons for us all:
1. Don’t waste ammunition.
2. Don’t mess with old people.

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Mar 20 2009

Posted by under Humor

Taxes

A little boy wanted $100.00 very badly and prayed for weeks, but nothing happened .


 

Then 
he decided to write God a letter requesting the $100.00.


 


 

When


 


 

The postal authorities received the letter to  God  ,  USA  , 
they decided to send it to the President.

 


 


 

The president was so amused that he instructed his secretary to send the little boy a $ 5.00 bill.

 


 


 

The president thought this would appear to be a lot of money

 

to a little boy.

 


 


 

The little boy was delighted with the $5.00 bill and sat down to write a thank-you 
note to God, which read:

 


 


 

Dear God: Thank you very much for sending the money. However, I noticed that for 
some reason you sent it through

 

Washington   D.C. and those assholes took $95.00 in taxes.

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