Archive for May, 2009

May 27 2009

Posted by under Humor

Old people

No one believes old people . . . everyone thinks they’re senile.  

 
An elderly couple were celebrating their sixtieth anniversary.
They had married as childhood sweethearts and had moved back to
their old neighborhood after they retired.  Holding hands they
walked to their old school. It was not locked, so they entered,
and found the desk they'd shared, where Andy had carved I love you, Sally.
 On their way back home, a bag of money fell out of an armored car, practically landing at their feet. Sally quickly picked it up, but not sure what to do with it, they took it home.
There, she counted the money. Fifty-thousand dollars.
 Andy said, we've got to give it back.
Sally said, finders keepers.

She put the money back in the bag and hid it in their attic.
 The next day, two FBI men were canvassing the neighborhood looking for the money, and knocked on the door.  They ask:  "Did either of you find a bag that fell out of an armored car yesterday?"
 Sally said,  "No."
 Andy said, "She's lying. She hid it up in the attic."
 Sally said, "Don't believe him, he's getting senile."
The agents turn to Andy and began to question him.  One says:
"Tell us the story from the beginning."
 Andy said, "Well, when Sally and I were walking home from school yesterday .  . "
 The FBI guy turns to his partner and says, "We're outta here."

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May 24 2009

Posted by under Humor

The Last Nickel

The Last Nickel

Picture (Metafile)

A father walks into a restaurant with his young son.
He gives the young boy 3 nickels to play with to keep him occupied.

Suddenly, the boy starts choking, going blue in the face.
The father realizes the boy has swallowed the nickels and starts slapping him on the back.

 

The boy coughs up 2 of the nickels, but keeps choking.
Looking at his son, the father is panicking, shouting for help.

A well dressed, attractive, and serious looking woman, in a blue business suit is sitting at a coffee bar reading a
newspaper and sipping a cup of coffee. At the sound of the commotion, she looks up, puts her coffee cup down, neatly folds the newspaper and places it on the counter, gets up from her seat and makes her way, unhurried, across the restaurant.

 

Reaching the boy, the woman carefully drops his pants;
takes hold of the boy’s testicles and starts to squeeze and twist, gently at first and then ever so firmly.

After a few seconds the boy convulses violently and coughs up the last nickel,

which the woman deftly catches in her free hand.

 

Releasing the boy’s testicles, the woman hands the
nickel to the father and walks back to her seat at the coffee bar without saying a word.

As soon as he is sure that his son has suffered no ill
effects, the father rushes over to the woman and starts thanking her
saying, "I’ve never seen anybody do anything like that before, it was
fantastic. Are you a doctor? "

‘No,’ the woman replied. I’m with the I.R.S..’

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May 23 2009

Posted by under Humor

WRONG E-MAIL ADDRESS

WRONG E-MAIL ADDRESS

This one is priceless….A lesson to be learned from
typing the wrong email address!!!!

A Minneapolis couple decided to go to Florida to thaw out during a particularly icy winter. They planned to stay at the same hotel where they spent their honeymoon 20 years earlier.

Because of hectic schedules, it was difficult to coordinate their travel schedules. So, the husband left Minnesota and flew to Florida on Thursday, with his wife flying down the following day.

The husband checked into the hotel. There was a computer in his room, so he decided to send an email to his wife.  However, he accidentally left out one letter in her email address, and without realizing his error, sent the email.

Meanwhile, somewhere in Houston, a widow had just  returned home from her husband’s funeral. He was a minister who was called home to glory following a heart attack.

The widow decided to check her email expecting messages from relatives and friends. After reading the first message, she gasped and fainted.

The widow’s son rushed into the room, found his mother on the floor, and saw the computer screen which read:

To: My Loving Wife
Subject: I’ve Arrived
Date: October 16, 2005

I know you’re surprised to hear from me. They have computers here now and you are allowed to send emails to your loved ones. I’ve just arrived and have been checked in.

I’ve seen that everything has been prepared for your arrival tomorrow. Looking forward to seeing you then!!!! Hope your journey is as uneventful as mine was.

P. S. Sure is freaking hot down here!!!!

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May 22 2009

Posted by under Humor

Affairs

The  1st Affair 

   A married man was having  an affair with his secretary. 

 

One day they went  to her place 

and made love all  afternoon. 

 

Exhausted, they fell asleep 

and woke  up at 8 PM . 

 

The man hurriedly dressed 

and told  his lover to take his shoes 

outside and rub them in the grass  and dirt. 

 

He put on his shoes and drove  home. 

 

‘Where have you been?’ his wife  demanded. 

 

‘I can’t lie to you,’ he  replied, 

 

‘I’m having an affair with my  secretary. 

We had sex all afternoon.’ 

 

She looked  down at his shoes and said: 

 

‘You lying  bastard! 

You’ve been playing golf!’ 

 

The  2nd Affair 

 

A  middle-aged couple had two beautiful daughters

 but always  talked about having a son.  

They decided to try one last  time 

for the son they always wanted. 

 

The wife  got pregnant and delivered a healthy baby  boy. 

 

The joyful father rushed to the nursery 

to  see his new son. 

 

He was horrified at the ugliest  child he had ever seen. 

 

He told his wife:  ‘There’s no way I can 

be the father of this  baby. 

Look at the two beautiful daughters I  fathered! 

Have you been fooling around behind my  back?’ 

 

The wife smiled sweetly and replied: 

‘No,  not this time!’ 

 

The  3rd Affair 

 

A  mortician was working late one night. 

 

He examined the  body of Mr. Schwartz, 

about to be cremated, and made  a startling discovery. 

Schwartz had the largest private  part he had ever seen! 

 

‘I’m sorry Mr. Schwartz,’  the mortician 

commented, ‘I can’t allow you to be  cremated 

with such an impressive private part. 

It  must be saved for posterity.’ 

 

So, he removed  it, stuffed it into his briefcase, 

and took it  home. 

 

‘I have something to show you won’t  believe,’ he said to his wife, 

opening his  briefcase. 

 

‘My God!’ the wife  exclaimed, ‘Schwartz is dead!’ 

 

The  4th Affair 

 

A woman was in  bed with her lover 

when she heard her  husband 

opening the front door. 

 

‘Hurry,’ she  said, ‘stand in the corner.’ 

 

She rubbed baby oil all over  him, 

then dusted him with talcum powder. 

 

‘Don’t  move until I tell you,’ 

she said. ‘Pretend you’re a  statue.’ 

 

‘What’s this?’ the husband inquired 

as  he entered the room. 

 

‘Oh it’s a statue,’ she  replied. 

‘The Smiths bought one and I liked it 

so I  got one for us, too.’ 

 

No more was said, not even  when they went to bed. 

 

Around 2 AM the husband got  up, 

went to the kitchen and returned 

with a sandwich  and a beer.. 

 

‘Here,’ he said to the statue, have  this. 

I stood like that for two days at the  Smiths 

and nobody offered me a damned thing.’ 

 

The 5th  Affair 

 

A man walked into a cafe, 

went  to the bar and ordered a beer. 

 

‘Certainly, Sir, that’ll  be one cent..’ 

 

‘One Cent?’ the man  exclaimed. 

 

He glanced at the menu and  asked: 

‘How much for a nice juicy steak 

and a bottle  of wine?’ 

 

‘A nickel,’ the barman replied. 

 

‘A  nickel?’ exclaimed the man. 

‘Where’s the guy who owns this  place?’ 

 

The bartender replied: 

‘Upstairs, with  my wife.’ 

 

The man asked: ‘What’s he doing  upstairs 

with your wife?’ 

 

The bartender  replied: ‘The same thing I’m doing to his business  down here.’ 

 

The  6th & Best Affair 

 

Jake was dying. His wife sat at the  bedside. 

 

He looked up and said weakly: 

‘I have  something I must confess.’ 

 

‘There’s no need to, ‘his wife  replied. 

 

‘No,’ he insisted, 

‘I want to die in  peace. 

I slept with your sister, your best  friend, 

her best friend, and your mother!’ 

 

‘I  know,’ she replied. ‘Now just rest and let the poison  work.’

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