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May 22 2009 12:00 am

Posted by under Humor

Affairs

The  1st Affair 

   A married man was having  an affair with his secretary. 

 

One day they went  to her place 

and made love all  afternoon. 

 

Exhausted, they fell asleep 

and woke  up at 8 PM . 

 

The man hurriedly dressed 

and told  his lover to take his shoes 

outside and rub them in the grass  and dirt. 

 

He put on his shoes and drove  home. 

 

‘Where have you been?’ his wife  demanded. 

 

‘I can’t lie to you,’ he  replied, 

 

‘I’m having an affair with my  secretary. 

We had sex all afternoon.’ 

 

She looked  down at his shoes and said: 

 

‘You lying  bastard! 

You’ve been playing golf!’ 

 

The  2nd Affair 

 

A  middle-aged couple had two beautiful daughters

 but always  talked about having a son.  

They decided to try one last  time 

for the son they always wanted. 

 

The wife  got pregnant and delivered a healthy baby  boy. 

 

The joyful father rushed to the nursery 

to  see his new son. 

 

He was horrified at the ugliest  child he had ever seen. 

 

He told his wife:  ‘There’s no way I can 

be the father of this  baby. 

Look at the two beautiful daughters I  fathered! 

Have you been fooling around behind my  back?’ 

 

The wife smiled sweetly and replied: 

‘No,  not this time!’ 

 

The  3rd Affair 

 

A  mortician was working late one night. 

 

He examined the  body of Mr. Schwartz, 

about to be cremated, and made  a startling discovery. 

Schwartz had the largest private  part he had ever seen! 

 

‘I’m sorry Mr. Schwartz,’  the mortician 

commented, ‘I can’t allow you to be  cremated 

with such an impressive private part. 

It  must be saved for posterity.’ 

 

So, he removed  it, stuffed it into his briefcase, 

and took it  home. 

 

‘I have something to show you won’t  believe,’ he said to his wife, 

opening his  briefcase. 

 

‘My God!’ the wife  exclaimed, ‘Schwartz is dead!’ 

 

The  4th Affair 

 

A woman was in  bed with her lover 

when she heard her  husband 

opening the front door. 

 

‘Hurry,’ she  said, ‘stand in the corner.’ 

 

She rubbed baby oil all over  him, 

then dusted him with talcum powder. 

 

‘Don’t  move until I tell you,’ 

she said. ‘Pretend you’re a  statue.’ 

 

‘What’s this?’ the husband inquired 

as  he entered the room. 

 

‘Oh it’s a statue,’ she  replied. 

‘The Smiths bought one and I liked it 

so I  got one for us, too.’ 

 

No more was said, not even  when they went to bed. 

 

Around 2 AM the husband got  up, 

went to the kitchen and returned 

with a sandwich  and a beer.. 

 

‘Here,’ he said to the statue, have  this. 

I stood like that for two days at the  Smiths 

and nobody offered me a damned thing.’ 

 

The 5th  Affair 

 

A man walked into a cafe, 

went  to the bar and ordered a beer. 

 

‘Certainly, Sir, that’ll  be one cent..’ 

 

‘One Cent?’ the man  exclaimed. 

 

He glanced at the menu and  asked: 

‘How much for a nice juicy steak 

and a bottle  of wine?’ 

 

‘A nickel,’ the barman replied. 

 

‘A  nickel?’ exclaimed the man. 

‘Where’s the guy who owns this  place?’ 

 

The bartender replied: 

‘Upstairs, with  my wife.’ 

 

The man asked: ‘What’s he doing  upstairs 

with your wife?’ 

 

The bartender  replied: ‘The same thing I’m doing to his business  down here.’ 

 

The  6th & Best Affair 

 

Jake was dying. His wife sat at the  bedside. 

 

He looked up and said weakly: 

‘I have  something I must confess.’ 

 

‘There’s no need to, ‘his wife  replied. 

 

‘No,’ he insisted, 

‘I want to die in  peace. 

I slept with your sister, your best  friend, 

her best friend, and your mother!’ 

 

‘I  know,’ she replied. ‘Now just rest and let the poison  work.’





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