Sep 28 2009
Archive for September, 2009
Sep 27 2009
A Russian and a Redneck wrestler were set to square off for the Olympic gold medal
Before the final match, the Redneck wrestler’s trainer came to him and said ‘Now, don’t forget all the research we’ve done on this Russian. He’s never lost a match because of this ‘pretzel’ hold he has.
Whatever you do, do not let him get you in that hold! If he does, you’re finished.’
The redneck nodded in acknowledgment.
As the match started, the Redneck and the Russian circled each other several times, looking for an opening.
All of a sudden, the Russian lunged forward, grabbing the Redneck and wrapping him up in the dreaded pretzel hold.
A sigh of disappointment arose from the crowd and the trainer buried his face in his hands, for he knew all was lost.
He couldn’t watch the inevitable happen.
Suddenly, there was a Long, High Pitched Scream, then a cheer from the crowd and the trainer raised his eyes just in time to watch the Russian go flying up in the air.
His back hit the mat with a thud and the Redneck collapsed on top of him, making the pin and winning the match.
The trainer was astounded.
When he finally got his wrestler alone,he asked ‘How did you ever get out of that hold ?
No one has ever done it before !’
The wrestler answered ‘Well, I was ready to give up when he got me in that hold but at the last moment, I opened my eyes and saw this pair of testicles right in front of my face.. I had nothing to lose so with my last ounce of strength, I stretched out my neck and bit those babies just as hard as I could.’
The trainer exclaimed ‘That’s what finished him off ?’
‘Not really. You’d be amazed how strong you get when you bite your own nuts!’
Sep 26 2009
A Mexican lady was walking along the bank of the San Antonio River when she stumbled upon an old empty cerveza bottle. She picked it up, rubbed it, and SNAP!!!, a Genie appeared. She talked with him awhile then the Genie told her he would grant her ONE wish.She said to the Genie, "I heard from mi prima that I could get three wishes if I ever found a Genie."The Genie then said, "Oh no, sorry, chica. Three-wish genies are a fairy-tale myth. I’m a ONE -WISH Genie, Uno, no mas! So…que quieres?"
The lady didn’t hesitate. She said, "I want Peace in the Middle East . Here’s the map, I’ll show you where. I want these countries to stop fighting with each other and I want all the Arabs to love Jews and Gringos and I want all the Jews and Gringos to love the Arabs." She continued, "It will bring world peace and harmony."
The Genie looked at the map and exclaimed, "Orale! BE REASONABLE!
Those fools have had pedo that goes back thousands of years, chale! I’m out of shape after being in that bottle for five hundred years. I’m good, but NOT THAT GOOD!!! I don’t think it can be done. PLEASE make another wish and please be reasonable! HIJOLE!"
The lady thought for a minute and said, "Well, I’ve never been able to find the right man. I want a boyfriend Mexicano… but a good one! You know, one that DOESN’T DRINK ALCOHOL, nice y fun, likes dancing cumbias, and helps with cleaning la casa. I want him to be great in bed and I want him to get along con mi familia. Oh, and make sure that he is FAITHFUL and doesn’t throw chingasos at me. That’s what I wish for….a good Mexican man!"
The Genie let out a long sigh, shook his cabeza and said, "Vieja!!!… Sabes Que, Let me see that pinche map again!"
Sep 02 2009
How the world works lately…
If a man cuts his finger off while slicing salami at work,
he blames the restaurant.
If you smoke three packs a day
For 40 years and die of lung cancer,
your family blames the tobacco company.
If your neighbor crashes into a tree while driving home drunk, they blame the bartender.
If your grandchildren are brats with no manners, you blame TV.
If your friend is shot by a
deranged madman, You blame the gun manufacturer.
And if a crazed person breaks into the cockpit and tries to kill the pilot at 35,000 feet, and the passengers kill him instead, the mother of the crazed deceased blames the airline.
I must have lived too long to
understand the world as it is anymore.
So, if I die while my OLD WRINKLED ASS is parked in front of this computer,
I want all of you to blame Bill Gates