Archive for November, 2009

Nov 13 2009

Posted by under Humor

How I learned to mind my own business

How I learned to mind my own business………..

            I was walking past the mental hospital the other day.

            All the patients were shouting, '13….13…..13.'

            The fence was too high to see over, but I saw a little gap
            in the planks, so I looked  through to see what was
            going on…..

            Some crazy person poked me in the eye with a stick!

            Then they all started shouting '14….14….14'…

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Nov 13 2009

Posted by under Humor

AN IRISHMAN’S CONFESSION

A married Irishman went into the confessional and said to his priest, 'I almost had an affair with another woman.'

The priest said, 'What do you mean, almost?'

The Irishman said, 'Well, we got undressed and rubbed together, but then I stopped.'

The priest said, 'Rubbing together is the same as putting it in. You're not to see that woman again.
 
 For your penance, say five Hail Mary's and put $50 in the poor box '

The Irishman left the confessional, said his prayers, and then walked over to the poor box.
 
He paused for a moment and then started to leave.

The priest, who was watching, quickly ran over to him saying, 'I saw that.You didn't put any money in the poor box!'

The Irishman replied, 'Yeah, but I rubbed the $50 on the box, and according to you, that's the same as putting it in!'

 

There once was a religious young woman who went to Confession. Upon entering the confe ssional, she said,
 
 'Forgive me, Father, for I have sinned.'

The priest said, 'Confess your sins and be forgiven.'

 

The young woman said, 'Last night my boyfriend made mad passionate love to me seven times.'

The priest thought long and hard and then said,
'Squeeze seven lemons into a glass and then drink the juice.'

The young woman asked, 'Will this cleanse me of my sins?'

The priest said, 'No, but it will wipe that smile off of your face.'

 

Muldoon lived alone in the Irish countryside with only a pet dog for company. One day the dog died, and Muldoon went to the parish priest and asked, 'Father, my dog is dead. Could ya' be saying' a Mass for the poor creat ure?'

Father Patrick replied, 'I'm afraid not; we cannot have services for an animal in the church. But there are some Baptists down the lane, and there's no tellin' what they believe. Maybe they'll do something for the creature.'

Muldoon said, 'I'll go right away Father. Do ya think $5,000 is enough to donate to them for the service?'

Father Patrick exclaimed, 'Sweet Mary, Mother of Jesus! Why didn't ya tell me the dog was Catholic?

 



And my favorite:

An elderly man walks into a confessional. The following conversation ensues: Man: 'I am 92 years old, have a wonderful wife of 70 years, many children, grandchildren, and great grandchildren. Yesterday, I picked up two college girls, hitchhiking . We went to a motel, where I had sex with each of them three times.'

Priest: 'Are you sorry for your sins?'

Man: 'What sins? '

Priest: 'What kind of a Catholic are you?'

Man: 'I'm Jewish.'

Priest: 'Why are you telling me all this?'

Man: 'I'm 92 years old … I'm telling everybody.'

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Nov 11 2009

Posted by under Humor

A SHORT LOVE STORY

 A SHORT LOVE STORY 


A man and a woman who had never met before,
who were both married to other people, 
found themselves assigned to the same sleeping room on a trans-continental train. 
 





Though initially embarrassed and uneasy over sharing a room,
they were both very tired and fell asleep quickly, he in the upper berth and she in the lower. 

At 1:00 AM , the man leaned down and gently woke the woman saying… 'Ma'am,
 

I'm sorry to bother you, but would you be willing to reach into the closet to get me a second blanket?
 
I'm awfully cold.' 
  
'I have a better idea,' she replied 'Just for tonight… let's pretend that we're married.' 

'Wow!
That's a great idea!' he exclaimed. 

'Good,' she replied
.  'Get your own damn blanket.' 
  
After a moment of silence… he farted. 

 
 

 

"Have a great day, unless you've made other plans"

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Nov 10 2009

Posted by under Humor

GRANDMA’S BOYFRIEND

Grandma's boyfriend

 

A 5-year-old boy went to visit his grandmother one day. Playing with his toys in her bedroom while grandma was dusting, he looked up and said, 'Grandma, how come you don't have a boyfriend now that Grandpa went to heaven?'

Grandma replied, 'Honey, my TV is my boyfriend. I can sit in my bedroom and watch it all day long. The religious programs make me feel good and the comedies make me laugh. I'm happy with my TV as my boyfriend.'

Grandma turned on the TV, and the reception was terrible. She started adjusting the knobs, trying to get the picture in focus.  Frustrated, she started hitting the backside of the TV hoping to fix the problem.

The little boy heard the doorbell ring, so he hurried to open the door and there stood Grandma's minister. The minister said, 'Hello son, is your Grandma home?'

The little boy replied, 'Yeah, she's in the bedroom bangin' her boyfriend.'

The minister fainted.

Now, that's funny… I don't care WHO you are.

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