Archive for March, 2010

Mar 28 2010

Posted by under Humor

It’s hell to be old

OLD people  have problems that you haven't  even considered yet!  
     
An 85-year-old man was requested by his  Doctor to provide a semen sample as part of his  physical exam. 

The doctor gave the man a  jar and said, 'Take this jar home and bring back a semen sample tomorrow.'  

The next day  the 85-year-old man reappeared at the doctor's office and gave him the  jar, which was as clean and empty as on the previous day..  

The doctor asked what happened and the man explained, 'Well, doc, it's like this–first I tried with my right hand, but nothing.   Then I tried with my left hand, but still nothing…  

'Then I asked my wife for help.  She tried with her right hand, then with her left, still nothing.  She tried with her mouth, first with the teeth in, then with her teeth out, still nothing.  

'We even called up Arleen, the lady next door and she tried too, first with both hands, then an armpit, and she even tried squeezin' it between her knees, but still nothing.' 

The doctor was shocked! 'You asked your neighbor?'    
   


The old man replied, 'Yep, none of us could get the jar open.

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Mar 24 2010

Posted by under Humor

Dad at the mall

 I took my dad to the mall the other day to buy some new shoes
(he is 92). We decided to grab a bite at the food court.
I noticed he was watching a teenager sitting next to him.

The teenager had spiked hair in all different colors: green, red,
orange, and blue. My dad kept staring at him. The teenager would look
and find him staring every time. When the teenager had had enough, he
sarcastically asked, 'What's the matter old man, never done anything
wild in your life?'

Knowing my Dad, I quickly swallowed my food so that I would not choke on
his response, knowing he would have a good one, and in classic style he
did not bat an eye in his response.
'Got drunk once, and had sex with a peacock. I was just wondering if you
were my son.'

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Mar 18 2010

Posted by under Feel Good,Humor,Reality,Tips

Worry

WORRY 
 

Is there a magic cutoff period when  

offspring become accountable for their own

actions?  Is there a wonderful moment when

parents can become detached spectators in

the lives of their children and shrug, 'It's

their life,' and feel nothing?

 

 When  I was in my twenties, I stood in a hospital

corridor waiting for doctors to put a few

stitches in my daughter's head.  I asked, 'When do

you stop worrying?' The nurse said,

'When they get out of the accident stage.' My

Dad just smiled faintly and said nothing. 
 

When I was in my thirties, I sat on a little

chair in a classroom and heard how one of my

children talked incessantly, disrupted the class,

and was headed for a career making

license plates. As if to read my mind, a teacher

said, 'Don't worry, they all go through

This stage and then you can sit back, relax and

enjoy them.' My dad just smiled

faintly and said nothing. 
 

When I was in my forties, I spent a lifetime

waiting for the phone to ring, the cars to come

home, the front door to open.  A friend said,

'They're trying to find themselves. Don't worry,

in a few years, you can stop worrying. They'll be

adults.' My dad just smiled faintly

and said nothing. 
 

By the time I was 50, I was sick & tired of being

vulnerable.  I was still worrying over my

children, but there was a new wrinkle. There

was nothing I could do about it. My

Dad just smiled faintly and said nothing.  I

continued to anguish over their failures, be

tormented by their frustrations and absorbed in

their disappointments. 
 

My friends said that when my kids got married I

could stop worrying and lead my own

life.  I wanted to believe that, but I was

haunted by my Dad's warm smile and his

occasional, 'You look pale. Are you alright?  

Call me the minute you get home. Are

you depressed about something?' 

 

 Can it be that parents are sentenced to a  

lifetime of worry? Is concern for one another

handed down like a torch to blaze the trail of

human frailties and the fears of the

unknown? Is concern a curse or is it a virtue

that elevates us to the highest form of life?

 

 One of my children became quite irritable  

recently, saying to me, 'Where were you?  I've been

calling for 3 days, and no one answered I was worried.'

I smiled a warm smile.   

The torch has been passed.


 

PASS IT ON TO OTHER WONDERFUL PARENTS.

(And also to your children. That's the fun!)

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Mar 16 2010

Posted by under Humor,Tips

Girlie Wisdom

Girlie Wisdom!cid:1.4233646816@web63607.mail.re1.yahoo.com 

1. A friend of mine confused her Valium with her birth control pills… she has 14 kids but doesn't really care.. 
 

2. One of life's mysteries is how a 2-pound box of chocolates can make a woman gain 5 lbs.


3. My mind not only wanders, it sometimes leaves completely.


4. The best way to forget your troubles is to wear tight shoe
s.

5. The nice part about living in a small town is that when you don't know what you are doing, someone else does. 


6. The older you get, the tougher it is to lose weight because by then, your body and your fat are really good friends.


7. Just when I was getting used to yesterday, along came today. 


8. Sometimes I think I understand everything, and then I regain consciousness.
 

9. I gave up jogging for my health when my thighs kept rubbing together and setting fire to my knickers'.


10. 
Amazing!  You hang something in your closet for a while and it shrinks 2 sizes! 

11. Skinny people irritate me!  Especially when they say things like…'You know sometimes I forget to eat!' …..Now I've forgotten my address, my mother's maiden name and my keys, but I have never forgotten to eat.  You have to be a special kind of stupid to forget to eat! 


12.. The trouble with some women is that they get all excited about nothing and then they marry him.


13. I read this article that said the typical symptoms of stress are eating too much, impulse buying, and driving too fast. Are they kidding?  That's my idea of a perfect day! 


SEND THIS TO 5 BRIGHT WOMEN YOU KNOW AND MAKE THEIR DAY!!!
LIVE SIMPLY……LAUGH OFTEN….LOVE DEEPLY
 
  
cid:2.4233646817@web63607.mail.re1.yahoo.com

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