Archive for March, 2010

Mar 14 2010

Posted by under Humor

THE LOVING HUSBAND

A man had two of the best tickets for the Super Bowl.  He sits down and
soon another man comes along and asks if anyone is sitting in the seat
next to him.

"No", he says, "the seat is empty."

"This is incredible!" said the man, "who in their right mind would have
a seat like this for the Super Bowl, the biggest sporting event of the
year & not use it?"

He says, "Well, actually, the seat belongs to me.  My wife was supposed
to come with me but she passed away. This is the first Super Bowl we
haven't been to together since we got married."

"Oh… Gees ..I'm sorry to hear that. That's terrible.  I guess you
couldn't find someone else, a friend or relative or even a neighbor to
take the seat?"

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Mar 11 2010

Posted by under Humor

CASH FOR CLUNKERS…………..

Can you relate?

CASH FOR CLUNKERS……….I QUALIFY

IF MY BODY WERE A CAR…

If my body were a car, this is the time I would be thinking about trading it in for a newer model. I've got bumps and dents and scratches in my finish, and my paint job is getting a little dull. But that's not the worst of it. My headlights are out of focus, and it's especially hard to see things up close.

My traction is not as graceful as it once was. I slip and slide and skid and bump into things even in the best of weather.

My whitewalls are stained with varicose veins. It takes me hours to reach my maximum speed. My fuel rate burns inefficiently.

But here's the worst of it —

Almost every time I sneeze, cough or laugh, either my radiator leaks or my exhaust backfires.
 

CASH FOR CLUNKERS…….I QUALIFY – How about You??

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Mar 10 2010

Posted by under Humor

A Woman’s wildest desire…..

A woman was sitting at a bar enjoying an after work
   cocktail with her girlfriends when Steven, a tall,
   exceptionally handsome, extremely sexy, middle-aged man
   entered. He was so striking that the woman could not
   take her eyes off him.
 
  
   The young-at-heart man noticed her overly attentive
   stare and walked directly toward her. (As all men will)
   Before she could offer her apologies for staring so
   rudely, he leaned over and whispered to her, 'I'll do
   anything, absolutely anything, that you want me to do,
   no matter how kinky, for $20.00.
  
   On one condition
  
   Flabbergasted, the woman asked what the condition
   was.
   The man replied, 'You have to tell me what you want me
   to do in just three words.'
 
  
   The woman considered his proposition for a moment,
   and
   then slowly removed a $20 bill from her purse, which
   she
   pressed into the man's hand along with her address. She
   looked deeply into his eyes, and slowly and
   meaningfully
   said…
 
  
 
   'Clean my house.'

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Mar 09 2010

Posted by under Feel Good,Humor

The Bible from a child’s eye

A child was asked to write a book report on the entire Bible. 

This is amazing and brought tears of laughter to my eyes. 

I wonder how often we take for granted that children understand  what we are teaching???

Through the eyes of a child:


 

The Children's Bible in a Nutshell

In the beginning, which occurred near the start, there was nothing but God, darkness, and some gas.  The Bible says, 'The Lord thy God is one, but I think He must be a lot older than that. 


 

Anyway, God said, 'Give me a light!' and someone did. 


 

Then God made the world.

He split the Adam and made Eve.  Adam and Eve were naked, but they weren't embarrassed because mirrors hadn't been invented yet. 


 

Adam and Eve disobeyed God by eating one bad apple, so they were driven from the Garden of Eden…..Not sure what they were driven in though, because they didn't have cars.

Adam and Eve had a son, Cain, who hated his brother as long as he was Abel.


 

Pretty soon all of the early people died off, except for Methuselah, who lived to be like a million or something.


 

One of the next important people was Noah, who was a good guy, but one of his kids was kind of a Ham.  Noah built a large boat and put his family and some animals on it. He asked some other people to join him, but they said they would have to take a rain check.


 

 After Noah came Abraham, Isaac, and Jacob.  Jacob was more famous than his brother, Esau, because Esau sold Jacob his birthmark in exchange for some pot roast.  Jacob had a son named Joseph who wore a really loud sports coat.


 

Another important Bible guy is Moses, whose real name was Charlton Hesston.  Moses led the Israel Lights out of  Egypt and away from the evil Pharaoh after God sent ten plagues on Pharaoh's people.  These plagues included frogs, mice, lice, bowels, and no cable.


 


 
God fed the Israel Lights every day with manicotti.  Then he gave them His Top Ten Commandments. These include: don't lie, cheat, smoke, dance, or covet your neighbor's stuff.

Oh, yeah, I just thought of one more: Humor thy father and thy mother..


 

 Bible guy to use spies…  Joshua fought the battle of Geritol and the fence fell over on the town


 

After Joshua came David.  He got to be king by killing a giant with a slingshot.. 

He had a son named Solomon who had about 300 wives and 500 porcupines. 

My teacher says he was wise, but that doesn't sound very wise to me.


 

After Solomon there were a bunch of major league prophets.  One of these was Jonah, who was swallowed by a big whale and then barfed up on the shore. 


 

There were also some minor league prophets, but I guess we don't have to worry about them.

After the Old Testament came the New Testament.  Jesus is the star of The New.  He was born in Bethlehem in a barn. (I wish I had been born in a barn too, because my mom is always saying to me, 'Close the door! Were you born in a barn?' It would be nice to say, 'As a matter of fact, I was.')


 

During His life, Jesus had many arguments with sinners like the Pharisees and the Democrats.

Jesus also had twelve opossums.

The worst one was Judas Asparagus.  Judas was so evil that they named a terrible vegetable after him.


 

Jesus was a great man.  He healed many leopards and even preached to some Germans on the Mount.


 

But the Democrats and Republicans put Jesus on trial before Pontius the Pilot.  Pilot didn't stick up for Jesus.  He just washed his hands instead


 

Anyways, Jesus died for our sins, then came back to life again.  He went up to Heaven but will be back at the end of the Aluminum.  His return is foretold in the book of Revolution..

 

 

 

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