Archive for April, 2010

Apr 14 2010

Posted by under Feel Good,Humor

What my mother taught me.

I  Owe My Mother  

  ************************************** 

1.    My mother taught me TO APPRECIATE A JOB WELL DONE 
"If you're going to kill each other, do it outside. I just finished cleaning."
 

2. My mother taught me RELIGION.  
"You better pray that will come out of the carpet."
 

3.  My mother taught me about TIME TRAVEL
"If you don't straighten up, I'm going to knock you into the middle of next week!"
 

4. My mother taught me LOGIC
"Because, 
 I  said so, that's why." 

5. My mother taught me MORE LOGIC .  
"If you fall out of that swing and break your neck, you're not going to the store with me."
 

6. My  mother taught me FORESIGHT
"Make sure you wear clean underwear, in case you're in an accident."
 

7. My mother taught me IRONY.  
"Keep crying and I'll give you something to cry about."
 

8..  My mother taught me about the  science of OSMOSIS 
"Shut your mouth and eat your supper."
 

9. My mother taught  me about CONTORTIONISM
"Will you look at that dirt on the back of your neck"
 

10. My mother taught me about STAMINA 
"You'll sit there until all that spinach is gone." 

11.  My mother taught me about  WEATHER
"This room of yours looks as if a tornado went through it." 

12. My mother  taught me about HYPOCRISY
"If I told you once, I've told you a million times. Don't exaggerate!"
 

13. My mother taught me the CIRCLE OF  LIFE.. 
"I brought you into this world, and I can take you out"
 

14. My mother  taught me about BEHAVIOUR MODIFICATION 
"Stop acting like your father!" 

15. My  mother taught me about ENVY
"There are millions of less fortunate children in this world who don't have wonderful parents like you do." 

16. My mother  taught me about ANTICIPATION
"Just wait until we get home." 

17. My mother taught  me about RECEIVING 
"You are going to get it when you get home!"
 

18. My mother taught me MEDICAL SCIENCE
"If you don't stop crossing your eyes, they are going to get stuck that way."
 

19. My mother taught me ESP
"Put your sweater on; don't you think I know when you are cold?"
 

20.  My mother taught me HUMOUR. 
"When that lawn mower cuts off your toes, don't come running to me."
 

21. My mother taught me HOW TO BECOME AN ADULT 
"If you don't eat your vegetables, you'll never grow up." 

22. My mother taught me GENETICS.  
"You're just like your father."
 

23. My mother taught me about my  ROOTS
"Shut that door behind you.  Do you think you were born in a barn?"
 

24. My mother taught me WISDOM.  
"When you get to be my age, you'll understand."
 

And my favorite:  

 

25  My mother taught me about JUSTICE  
"One day you'll have kids, and I hope they turn out just like you
!"

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Apr 14 2010

Posted by under Feel Good,Humor

Why we Love Children

Why We Love Children

1. A
nursery school pupil told his teacher he'd found a cat, but it
was dead.
'How do you know that the cat was dead?' she asked her pupil.
'Because I pissed in its ear and it didn't move,' answered the child
Innocently.
'You did WHAT?' the teacher exclaimed in surprise.
'You know,' explained the boy, 'I leaned over and went 'Pssst' and it
didn't move'

2. A small boy is sent to bed by his father.

Five minutes later…..'Da-ad….'
'What?'
'I'm thirsty. Can you bring a drink of water?'
'No, You had your chance. Lights out.'
Five minutes later: 'Da-aaaad…..'
'WHAT?'
'I'm THIRSTY. Can I have a drink of water??'
' I told you NO! If you ask again, I'll have to smack you!!'
Five minutes later……'Daaaa-aaaad…..'
'WHAT!'
'When you come in to smack me, can you bring a drink of water?'

3. An exasperated mother, whose son was always getting into mischief,
finally asked him 'How do you expect to get into Heaven?'
The boy thought it over and said, 'Well, I'll run in and out and in
and out and keep slamming the door until St. Peter says, 'For Heaven's
sake, Dylan, come in or stay out!''

4. One summer evening during a violent thunderstorm a mother was
tucking her son into bed. She was about to turn off the light when he
asked with a tremor in his voice, '
Mummy, will you sleep with me
tonight?'
The mother smiled and gave him a reassuring hug.
'I can't dear,' she said. 'I have to sleep in Daddy's room.'
A long silence was broken at last by his shaky little voice:
'The big sissy.'

5. It was that time, during the Sunday morning service, for the
children's sermon.
All the children were invited to come forward.
One little girl was wearing a particularly pretty dress and, as she sat
down, the minister leaned over and said, 'That is a very pretty dress.
Is it your Easter Dress?'
The little girl replied, directly into the minister's clip-on
microphone, 'Yes, and my
Mum says it's a bitch to iron.'

6. When I was six months pregnant with my third child, my three year
old came into the room when I was just getting ready to get into the
shower.
She said, '
Mummy, you are getting fat!'
I replied, 'Yes, honey, remember
Mummy has a baby growing in her
tummy.'
'I know,' she replied, but what's growing in your bum?'

7.. A little boy was doing his math homework.
He said to himself, 'Two plus five, that son of a bitch is seven.
Three plus six, that son of a bitch is nine….'
His mother heard what he was saying and gasped, 'What are you doing?'
The little boy answered, 'I'm doing my math homework,
Mum.'
'And this is how your teacher taught you to do it?' the mother asked
'Yes,' he answered.
Infuriated, the mother asked the teacher the next day, 'What are you
teaching my son in math?'
The teacher replied, 'Right now, we are learning addition.'
The mother asked, 'And are you teaching them to say two plus two, that
son of a bitch is four?'
After the teacher stopped laughing, she answered, 'What I taught them
was, two plus two, THE SUM OF WHICH, is four.'

8. One day the first grade teacher was reading the story of Chicken
Little to her class. She came to the part of the story where Chicken
Little tried to warn the farmer. She read, '… and so Chicken Little
went up to the farmer and said, 'The sky is falling, the sky is
falling!'
The teacher paused then asked the class, 'And what do you think that
farmer said?'
One little girl raised her hand and said, 'I think he said:
'Holy Shit! A talking chicken!''
The teacher was unable to teach for the next 10 minutes.

9. A certain little girl, when asked her name, would reply, I'm Mr.
Sugarbrown's daughter.'
Her mother told her this was wrong, she must say, 'I'm Jane
Sugarbrown.'
The Vicar spoke to her in Sunday School, and said, 'Aren't you Mr.
Sugarbrown's daughter?'
She replied, 'I thought I was, but mother says I'm not.'

10. A little girl asked her mother, 'Can I go outside and play
with the boys?'
Her mother replied, 'No, you can't play with the boys, they're
too rough.'
The little girl thought about it for a few moments and asked,
If I can find a smooth one, can I play with him?'

11. A little girl goes to the barber shop with her father.
She stands next to the barber chair, while her dad gets his hair cut,
eating a snack cake The barber says to her,
'Sweetheart, you're gonna get hair on your muffin..'
She says, 'Yes, I know, and I'm gonna get boobs too.'

Now keep that smile on your face and pass it on to someone else!!

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Apr 14 2010

Posted by under Humor

New Taxi Driver

New Taxi Driver
 
A guy in a taxi wanted to speak to the driver so he leaned forward and tapped him on the shoulder. The driver screamed, jumped up in the air and yanked the wheel over. The car mounted the curb, demolished a lamppost and came to a stop inches from a shop window.
 

 
 
 
 

The startled passenger said "I didn't mean to frighten you, I just wanted to ask you something."
The taxi driver says "It's not your fault sir. It's my first day as a cab driver…
 

I've been driving a hearse for the past 25 years."

1 Comment »

Apr 13 2010

Posted by under Humor

Menopause Jewelry

Good enough I had to pass it along. LOL

Menopause Jewelry

My husband, being unhappy with my mood swings,
bought me a mood ring the other day so he would be
able to monitor my moods.

We've discovered that when I'm in a good mood, it
turns green.  When I'm in a bad mood, it leaves a
big frickin red mark on his forehead.

Maybe next time he'll buy me a diamond.   Dumb ass.

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