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Marital humor

Grandson — Wed, 06 May 2009 01:37:33 +0000

Marital Humor

Wife: ’What are you doing?’

Husband: ’Nothing’.

Wife: ’Nothing..? You’ve been reading our marriage certificate for over an hour!!’

Husband: ‘I was looking for the expiration date.’

———————————————–

Wife : ‘Do you want dinner?’

Husband: ‘Sure! What are my choices?’

Wife: ‘Yes or no.’

—————————————-

Wife: ‘You always carry my photo in your wallet.. Why?’

Hubby: ‘When there is a problem, no matter how great it is, I look at your picture and the problem simply disappears.’

Wife: ‘You see how miraculous and powerful I am for you?’

Hubby: ‘Yes! I see your picture and ask myself what other problem can there be greater than this one?’

—————————————–

Stress Reliever Girl: ‘When we get married, I want to share all your worries, troubles, and lighten your burden.’

Boy: ‘It’s very kind of you, darling, but I don’t have any worries or troubles.’

Girl: ‘Well, that’s because we aren’t married yet.’

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Son: ‘Mommie, when I was on the bus with Daddy this morning, he told me to be polite and give up my seat to a lady.’

Mom: ‘Well, you have done the right thing.’

Son: ‘But mommie, I was sitting on daddy’s lap.’

————————————–

A newly married man asked his wife, ‘Would you have married me if my father hadn’t left me that fortune?’

‘Honey,’ the woman replied sweetly, ‘I’d have married you, NO MATTER WHO LEFT YOU THAT FORTUNE!’

————————————-

Girl to her boyfriend: One kiss and I’ll be yours forever.

The guy replies: ‘Thanks for the early warning.’

————————————-

A wife asked her husband: ‘What do you like most in me, my cooking, my
pretty face ……or my sexy body?’

He looked at her from head to toe, smiled, and replied:
‘Well …….I REALLY like your sense of humor!’

(He’s now resting peacefully in an unmarked shallow grave behind the garage!)

Why, Why, Why…….

Grandson — Sat, 11 Apr 2009 04:35:15 +0000

Why, Why, Why

Do we press harder on a remote control when we know the batteries are
getting dead?

Why do banks charge a fee on "insufficient funds" when they know there
is not enough money?

Why does someone believe you when you say there are four billion stars,
but check when you say the paint is wet?

Why doesn’t glue stick to the bottle?

Why do they use sterilized needles for death by lethal injection?

Why doesn’t Tarzan have a beard?

Why does Superman stop bullets with his chest, but ducks when you throw
a revolver at him?

Why do Kamikaze pilots wear helmets?

Whose idea was it to put an "S" in the word "lisp"?

If people evolved from apes, why are there still apes?

Why is it that no matter what color bubble bath you use the bubbles are
always white?

Is there ever a day that mattresses are not on sale?

Why do people constantly return to the refrigerator with hopes that
something new to eat will have materialized?

Why do people keep running over a string a dozen times with their vacuum
cleaner, then reach down, pick it up, examine it, then put it down to
give the vacuum one more chance?

Why is it that no plastic bag will open from the end on your first try?

How do those dead bugs get into those enclosed light fixtures?

When we are in the supermarket and someone rams our ankle with a
shopping cart then apologizes for doing so, why do we say, "It’s all
right?" Well, it isn’t all right, so why don’t we say, "That hurt, you
stupid idiot?"

Why is it that whenever you attempt to catch something that’s falling
off the table you always manage to knock something else over?

In winter why do we try to keep the house as warm as it was in summer
when we complained about the heat?

How come you never hear father-in-law jokes?

HAIR CUT ANYONE??????

Grandson — Wed, 25 Mar 2009 06:15:56 +0000

A guy stuck his head into a barber shop and asked, "How long before I can get a haircut?

The barber looked around the shop full of customers and said, "About 2 hours."

The guy left.

A few days later, the same guy stuck his head in the door and asked,

"How long before I can get a haircut?"

The barber looked around at the shop and said, "About 3 hours."

The guy left.

A week later, the same guy stuck his head in the shop and asked, "How

long before I can get a haircut?"

The barber looked around the shop and said, "About an hour and half."

The guy left.

The barber turned to a friend and said, "Hey, Bob, do me a favor.

Follow that guy and see where he goes. He keeps asking how long

he has to wait for a haircut, but then he doesn’t ever come back."

A little while later, Bob returned to the shop, laughing hysterically.

The barber asked, "So where does that guy go when he leaves?"

Bob looked up, tears in his eyes and said, "Your house."

That Old, HUH?

Grandson — Mon, 23 Mar 2009 14:02:56 +0000

Garage Door

The boss walked into the office one morning not knowing his zipper was down and his fly area wide open. His assistant walked up to him and said, "This morning when you left your house, did you close your garage door?" The boss told her he knew he’d closed the garage door, and walked into his office puzzled by the question.

As he finished his paperwork, he suddenly noticed his fly was open, and zipped it up. He then understood his assistant’s question about his ‘garage door.’

He headed out for a cup of coffee and paused by her desk to ask, "When my garage door was open, did you see my Hummer parked in there?"

She smiled and said, "No, I didn’t. All I saw was an old mini van with two flat tires."

An elderly gentleman…
Had serious hearing problems for a number of years.

He went to the doctor and the doctor was able to have him fitted for a set of hearing aids that allowed the gentleman to hear 100%.

The elderly gentleman went back in a month to the doctor and the doctor said, "Your hearing is perfect. Your family must be really pleased that you can hear again."
The gentleman replied, "Oh, I haven’t told my family yet.
I just sit around and listen to the conversations. I’ve changed my will three times!"

Two elderly gentlemen from a retirement center were sitting on a bench under a tree when one turns to the other and says: "Slim, I’m 83 years old now and I’m just full of aches and pains. I know you’re about my age. How do you feel?"

Slim says, "I feel just like a newborn baby."

"Really!? Like a newborn baby!?"

"Yep. No hair, no teeth, and I think I just wet my pants."

An elderly couple had dinner at another couple’s house, and after eating, the wives left the table and went into the kitchen.

The two gentlemen were talking, and one said, "Last night we went out to a new restaurant and it was really great. I would recommend it very highly."

The other man said, "What is the name of the restaurant?"

The first man thought and thought and finally said, "What is the name of that flower you give to someone you love? You know… The one that’s red and has thorns."

"Do you mean a rose?"

"Yes, that’s the one," replied the man.. He then turned towards the kitchen and yelled, "Rose, what’s the name of that restaurant we went to last night?"

Hospital regulations require a wheel chair for patients being discharged. However, while working as a student nurse, I found one elderly gentleman already dressed and sitting on the bed with a suitcase at his feet, who insisted he didn’t need my help to leave the hospital.

After a chat about rules being rules, he reluctantly let me wheel him to the elevator.

On the way down I asked him if his wife was meeting him. "I don’t know," he said.. "She’s still upstairs in the bathroom changing out of her hospital gown."

Couple in their nineties are both having problems remembering things. During a checkup, the doctor tells them that they’re physically okay, but they might want to start writing things down to help them remember.

Later that night, while watching TV, the old man gets up from his chair. "Want anything while I’m in the kitchen?" he asks.

"Will you get me a bowl of ice cream?" "Sure."

"Don’t you think you should write it down so you can remember it?" she asks.
"No, I can remember it."
"Well, I’d like some strawberries on top, too. Maybe you should write it down, so’s not to forget it?"
He says, "I can remember that. You want a bowl of ice cream with strawberries."
"I’d also like whipped cream. I’m certain you’ll forget that, write it down? " she asks.
Irritated, he says, "I don’t need to write it down, I can remember it! Ice cream with strawberries and whipped cream – I got it, for goodness sake!"

Then he toddles into the kitchen. After about 20 minutes, the old man returns from the kitchen and hands his wife a plate of bacon and eggs. She stares at the plate for a moment.
"Where’s my toast ?"

A senior citizen said to his eighty-year old buddy:
"So I hear you’re getting married?"
"Yep!"
"Do I know her?"
"Nope!"
"This woman, is she good looking?"
"Not really."
"Is she a good cook?"
"Naw, she can’t cook too well."
"Does she have lots of money?"
"Nope! Poor as a church mouse."
"Well, then, is she good in bed?"
"I don’t know."
"Why in the world do you want to marry her then?"
"Because she can still drive!"

Three old guys are out walking.
First one says, "Windy, isn’t it?"
Second one says, "No, it’s Thursday!"
Third one says, "So am I. Let’s go get a beer."

A man was telling his neighbor, "I just bought a new hearing aid. It cost me four thousand dollars, but it’s state of the art. It’s perfect."
"Really," answered the neighbor . "What kind is it?"
"Twelve thirty."

Morris, an 82 year-old man, went to the doctor to get a physical..
A few days later, the doctor saw Morris walking down the street with a gorgeous young woman on his arm.
A couple of days later, the doctor spoke to Morris and said, "You’re really doing great, aren’t you?"
Morris replied, "Just doing what you said, Doc: "Get a hot mamma and be cheerful.”
The doctor said, "I didn’t say that. I said, "You’ve got a heart murmur; be careful."

One more . . . !

A little old man shuffled slowly into an ice cream parlor and pulled himself slowly, painfully, up onto a stool.. After catching his breath, he ordered a banana split.
The waitress asked kindly, "Crushed nuts?"
"No," he replied, "Arthritis."