E-Mail from Grandma

Texas, thank God!

Grandson — Sun, 29 Aug 2010 05:53:52 +0000

God was missing for six days. Eventually, Michael, the archangel, found him, resting on the seventh day..

He inquired, "Where have you been?"

God smiled deeply and proudly pointed downwards through the clouds, "Look, Michael.. Look what I've made."

Archangel Michael looked puzzled, and said, "What is it?"

"It's a planet," replied God, and I've put life on it… I'm going to call it Earth and it's going to be a place to test Balance."

"Balance?" inquired Michael, "I'm still confused."

God explained, pointing to different parts of earth. "For example, northern Europe will be a place of great opportunity and wealth, while southern Europe is going to be poor. Over here I've placed a continent of white people, and over there is a continent of black people. Balance in all things."

God continued pointing to different countries. "This one will be extremely hot, while this one will be very cold and covered in ice."

The Archangel , impressed by God's work, then pointed to a land area and said, "What's that one?"

"That’s the State of Texas , the most glorious place on earth. There are beautiful mountains, rivers and streams, lakes, forests, hills, beaches and plains. The people from the State of Texas are going to be handsome, modest, intelligent, and humorous, and they are going to travel the world. They will be extremely sociable, hardworking, high achieving, carriers of peace, and producers of good things."

Michael gasped in wonder and admiration, but then asked, "But what about balance, God? You said there would be balance.."

God smiled, "There’s Washington DC . Wait till you see the idiots I put there."

Don’t want to wait? Try this….

Grandson — Mon, 16 Aug 2010 00:55:53 +0000

The other day I needed to go to the emergency room.

Not wanting to sit there for 4 hours, I put on my old Army fatigues and

stuck a patch onto the front of my shirt that I had downloaded off the Internet.

When I went into the E.R., I noticed that 3/4 of the people got up and left.

I guess they decided that they weren't that sick after all. Cut at least 3 hours off my waiting time.

Here's the patch. Feel free to use it the next time you're in need of quicker emergency service.

It also works at the DMV, it saved me 5 hours.

At the Laundromat, three minutes after entering I had my choice of any machine, most were still running.

Don't try it at McDonald 's, the whole crew got up and left and I never got my order.

Mexican word of the day

Grandson — Sat, 14 Aug 2010 21:38:54 +0000

BUDWEISER: Your ruca has a nice looking ass BUDWEISER face so ugly?

BODYWASH: I can't go to tha cantina tonite cuz no BODYWASH my kids.

SHOULDER : My tia wanted 2 become a citizen but she didn't know how to read so I SHOULDER.

COCKATOO: My friend was in the bathroom and I told him to hurry because I had to go COCKATOO!

SODAS: My vieja has beeg tatas and SODAS her sister.

JUICY: Hey vato, I will roll the joint, and ju tell me if JUICY the cops!!!

JUAREZ: My viejita slapped me and I said JUAREZ your damn problem!

TISSUE: Hey vato if you don't know how to do it, let me TISSUE how!

HEATER: My lil sister started to choke…Perro my mom told me to HEATER in the back!

BRIEF: Hey homes, my lady farted in the car and I couldn't BRIEF!

JULY : Ju tol me ju were going to tha store and JULY to me! Julyer!!!

MUSHROOM : When my familia gets in the car……There's not MUSHROOM left!

CHEESE : I went to dis bar and some vato try to hit up on my vieja. I said ay vato CHEESE with me!!

TEXAS : My pinche friend always TEXAS me with dumb jokes.

WATER : My vieja gets mad and I don't even know WATER problem is!

HERPES : Me & my ruca order some pizza, I got my piece & she got HERPES.

HIGHWAY : I turned around in bed, looked at my wife and said
HIGHWAY! Put some make-up on cabrona…you scared me!

HORCHATA : You can keep talking your crap, HORCHATA hell up!

FRITO :After arguing with the pinche policia he told me I was FRITO go!

The South

Grandson — Thu, 05 Aug 2010 04:20:27 +0000

Things Learned in the South

A possum is a flat animal that sleeps in the middle of the road.

There are 5,000 types of snakes and 4,998 of them live in the South.

There are 10,000 types of spiders. All 10,000 of them live in the South, plus a couple no one’s seen before.

If it grows, it’ll stick ya. If it crawls, it'll bite cha.

Onced and Twiced are words.

It is not a shopping cart, it is a buggy!

“Jaw-P?” means “Did y’all go to the bathroom?”

People actually grow and eat okra.

Fixinto is one word. It means I’m fixing to do that.

There is no such thing as lunch. There is only dinner and then there is supper.

Iced tea is appropriate for all meals and you start drinking it when you're two. We do like a little tea with our sugar.

Backwards and forwards means I know everything about you.

The word “jeet?” is actually a phrase meaning “Did you eat?”

You don’t have to wear a watch, because it doesn't matter what time it is, you work until you’re done or it’s too dark to see.

You don’t PUSH buttons, you MASH em.

“No, Jew?” is a common response to the question, “Did you bring any beer?”

You measure distance in minutes.

You switch from heat to A/C in the same day.

All the festivals across the state are named after a fruit, vegetable, grain, insect, or animal.

You know what a DAWG is.

You carry jumper cables in your car – for your OWN car.

You only own five spices: salt, pepper, Tony’s, Tabasco and ketchup.

The local papers cover national and international news on one page, but require 6 pages for local high school sports, motor sports, and gossip.

You think that the first day of deer season is a national holiday.

You find 100 degrees Fahrenheit a bit warm.

You know all four seasons: Almost summer, summer, still summer, and Christmas.

Going to Wal-Mart is a favorite pastime known as “goin’ Wal-Martin’” or “off to Wally World”.

You describe the first cool snap (below 70 degrees) as good chicken stew weather.

Fried catfish is the other white meat.

We don't need no dang Driver's Ed. If our mama says we can drive, we can drive dag-nabbit.

You understand these jokes and forward them to your Southern friends and those who just wish they were from the SOUTH.