E-Mail from Grandma Just another WordPress weblog 2008-07-24T05:39:24Z WordPress http://emailfromgrandma.com/feed/atom/ Grandson <![CDATA[HA HA HA HA HA HA……..]]> http://emailfromgrandma.com/2008/07/23/ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha/ 2008-07-24T05:39:24Z 2008-07-24T05:39:24Z The madam opened the brothel door and saw a rather dignified well-dressed, good-looking man in his late 40s or early 50’s.
 
‘May I help you?’ she asked.
 
I want to see Valerie,’ the man replied.
 
‘Sir, Valerie is one of our most expensive ladies. Perhaps you would prefer someone else,’ said the madam. 
 
‘No. I must see Valerie,’ he replied.
 
Just then, Valerie appeared and announced to the man that she charged $5,000 a visit. Without hesitation, the man pulled out five thousand dollars and gave it to Valerie, and they went upstairs. After an hour, the man calmly left.
 
The next night, the same man appeared again, once more demanding to see Valerie. Valerie explained that no one had ever come back two nights in a row — too expensive — and there were no discounts. The price was still $5,000.
 
Again the man pulled out the money, gave it to Valerie, and they went upstairs. After an hour, he left.
 
The following night the man was there yet again. Everyone was astounded that he had come for a third consecutive night, but he paid Valerie and they went upstairs. 
 
After their session, Valerie questioned the man. ‘No one has ever been with me three nights in a row. Where are you from?’ she asked.
The man replied ‘Boston‘.
 
‘Really’ she said. ‘I have family in Boston.’
 
‘I know,’ the man said. ‘Your father died, and I am your sister’s attorney. She asked me to give you your $15,000 inheritance.’
 
The moral of the story is that three things in life are certain:

$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$
 
1. Death
 
2 Taxes ……. and
 
3. Being screwed by a lawyer

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Grandson <![CDATA[BANANAS]]> http://emailfromgrandma.com/2008/07/22/bananas/ 2008-07-23T03:57:31Z 2008-07-23T03:57:31Z Hurrah for bananas.  They are kind of like WD40 or those dryer sheets. . .

Thought this was really interesting Going  Banana’s!!  Never, put your banana in the refrigerator!!!

A professor at CCNY for a physiological psych class told his class about bananas.   He said the expression "going bananas" is from the effects of bananas on the brain.   Read on, you’ll never look at a banana in the same way again.

Bananas contain three natural sugars - sucrose, fructose and glucose combined with fiber. A banana gives an instant, sustained and substantial boost of energy.  Research has proven that just two bananas provide enough energy for a strenuous 90-minute workout. No wonder the banana is the number one fruit with the world’s leading athletes.  But energy isn’t the only way a banana can help us keep fit. It can also help overcome or prevent a substantial number of illnesses and conditions, making it a must to add to our daily diet.

Depression: According to a recent survey undertaken by MIND amongst people suffering from depression, many felt much better after eating a banana! . This i s because bananas contain tryptophan, a type of protein that the body converts into serotonin, known to make you relax, improve your mood and generally make you feel happier.

PMS: Forget the pills - eat a banana. The vitamin B6 it contains regulates blood glucose levels, which can affect your mood.
Anemia: High in iron, bananas can stimulate the production of hemoglobin in the blood and so helps in cases of anemia.

Blood Pressure: This unique tropical fruit is extremely high in potassium yet low in salt, making it perfect to beat blood pressure. So much so, the US Food and Drug Administration has just allowed the banana industry to make official claims for the fruit’s ability to reduce the risk of blood pressure and stroke.

Brain Power: 200 students at a Twickenham (Middlesex) school ( England ) were helped through the ir exams this year by eating bananas at breakfast, break, and lunch in a bid to boost the ir brain power. Research has shown th! at the p otassium-packed fruit can assist learning by making pupils more alert.

Constipation: High in fiber, including bananas in the diet can help restore normal bowel action, helping to overcome the problem without resorting to laxatives.

Hangovers: One of the quickest ways of curing a hangover is to make a banana milkshake, sweetened with honey. The banana calms the stomach and, with the help of the honey, builds up depleted blood sugar levels, while the milk soo the s and re-hydrates your system.
Heartburn: Bananas have a natural antacid effect in the body, so if you suffer from heartburn, try eating a banana for soothing relief.

Morning Sickness: Snacking on bananas between meals helps to keep blood sugar levels up and avoid morning sickness. </ I>
Mosquito bites: Before reaching for the insect bite cream, try rubbing the affected area with the inside of a banana skin. Many people find it amazingly successful at reducing swelling and irritation.

Nerves: Bananas are high in B vitamins that help calm the nervous system.

Overweight and at work? Studies at the Institute of Psychology in Austria found pressure at work leads to gorging on comfort food like chocolate and chips. Looking at 5,000 hospital patients, researchers found the most obese were more likely to be in high-pressure jobs. The report concluded that, to avoid panic-induced food cravings, we need to control our blood sugar levels by snacking on high carbohydrate foods every two hours to keep levels steady.

Ulcers: The banana is used as the dietary food against intestinal disorders because of its soft texture and smoothness. It is the only raw fruit that can be eaten without distress in over-chronicler cases. It also neutralizes ove! r-acidit y and reduces irritation by coating the lining of the stomach.

Temperature control: Many o the r cultures see bananas as a "cooling" fruit that can lower both the physical and emotional temperature of expectant mo the rs. In Thailand , for example, pregnant women eat bananas to ensure the ir baby is born with a cool temperature.

Seasonal Affective Disorder (SAD): Bananas can help SAD sufferers because the y contain the natural mood enhancer tryptophan.
Smoking &Tobacco Use: Bananas can also help people trying to give up smoking. The B6, B12 the y contain, as well as the potassium and magnesium found in the m, help the body recover from the effects of nicotine withdrawal.

Stress: Potassium is a vital mineral, which helps normalize the heartbeat, sends oxygen to the brain and regulates your body’s water balance. When we are stressed, our metabolic rate rises, the reby reducing our potassium levels.. These can be rebalanced with the help of a high-potassium banana snack.

Strokes: According to research in The New England Journal of Medicine, eating bananas as part of a regular diet can cut the risk of death by strokes by as much as 40%!

Warts: Those keen on natural alternatives swear that if you want to kill off a wart, take a piece of banana skin and place it on the wart, with the yellow side out. Carefully hold the skin in place with a plaster or surgical tape!

So, a banana really is a natural remedy for many ills. When you compare it to an apple, it has four times the protein, twice the carbohydrate, three times the phosphorus, five times the vitamin A and iron, and twice the o the r vitamins and minerals. It is also rich in potassium and is one of the best value foods around So maybe its time to change that well-known phrase so that we say, "A banana a day keeps the doctor away!"

PS: Bananas must be the reason monkeys are so happy all the time! I will add one here; want a quick shine on our shoes?? Take the INSIDE of the banana skin, and rub directly on the shoe….polish with dry cloth. Amazing fruit !!!

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Grandson <![CDATA[WAL-MART GREETER…]]> http://emailfromgrandma.com/2008/07/21/wal-mart-greeter/ 2008-07-22T05:27:17Z 2008-07-22T05:27:17Z             Wal-Mart Greeter…
A very loud, unattractive, mean-acting woman walked into Wal-Mart with her two kids, yelling obscenities at them all the way through the entrance.

The Wal-Mart Greeter said pleasantly, "Good morning, and welcome to Wal-Mart. Nice children you have the re. Are they twins?"

The woman stopped yelling long enough to say, "Hell no they ain’t! The oldest one’s 9 and the other one’s 7. Why the hell would you think they’re twins? Are you blind, or just stupid?"

"I’m neither blind nor stupid, Ma’am," replied the greeter. "I just couldn’t
believe someone would sleep with you twice. Have a good day and
thank you for shopping at Wal- Mart."

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Grandson <![CDATA[MEN]]> http://emailfromgrandma.com/2008/07/19/men/ 2008-07-20T04:40:50Z 2008-07-20T04:40:50Z You women will love this….. and you guys are man enough to love it too.

 

 

 

One day my housework-challenged husband decided to wash his s weat- shirt. Seconds after he stepped into the laundry room, he shouted to me, "What setting do I use on the washing machine?"
"It depends," I replied. "What does it say on your shirt?"
He yelled back, " University of Oklahoma "
And they say blondes are dumb…
———————————————————–
A couple is lying in bed. The man says,
"I am going to make you the happiest woman in the world."
The woman replies, "I’ll miss you…"
———————————————————–
"It’s just too hot to wear clothes today," Jack says as he stepped out of the shower, "honey, what do you think the neighbors would think if I mowed the lawn like this?"
"Probably that I married you for your money," she replied.
———————————————————–
Q: What do you call an intelligent, good looking, sensitive man?
A: A rumor
———————————————————–
A man and his wife, now in their 60’s, were celebrating their 40th wedding anniversary. On their special day a good fairy came to them and said that because they had been so good that each one of them could have one wish.
The wife wished for a trip around the world with her husband.
Whoosh! Immediately she had airline/cruise tickets in her hands.
The man wished for a female companion 30 years younger…
Whoosh…immediately he turned ninety!!!
Gotta love that fairy!
———————————————————–
Dear Lord,
I pray for Wisdom to understand my man; Love to forgive him; And Patience for his moods. Because, Lord, if I pray for Strength, I’ll beat him to death.
AMEN
———————————————————–
Q: Why do little boys whine?
A: They are practicing to be men.
———————————————————–
Q: What do you call a handcuffed man?
A: Trustworthy.
———————————————————–
Q: What does it mean when a man is in your bed gasping for breath and calling your name?
A: You did not hold the pillow down long enough
———————————————————–
Q: Why do men whistle when they are sitting on the toilet?
A: It helps them remember which end they need to wipe.
———————————————————–
Q: How do you keep your husband from reading your e-mail?
A: Rename the mail folder "Instruction Manuals"
———————————————————–
Send this to at least five bright, funny women you know and make their day!


 
And send this to five bright men who have enough sense of humor to take it!
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