Archive for the Tag 'age'

Aug 04 2008

Posted by under Humor

SERENITY

Just before the  funeral services, the undertaker came up to the very
elderly widow  and asked,
‘How old was your husband?’ ’98,’ she  replied.
‘Two years older than  me’
‘So you’re 96,’ the  undertaker commented.
She responded, ‘Hardly worth  going home, is it?
 
 
 
Reporters  interviewing a 104-year-old woman:
‘And what  do you think is the best thing
about being  104?’ the reporter asked.
She simply  replied, ‘No peer pressure.’
 
 
 
  The nice thing about being  senile is
you can hide your own  Easter eggs.
  I’ve sure gotten old!
I’ve had two bypass surgeries, a hip replacement,
new knees, fought  prostate cancer and diabetes.
I’m half  blind, can’t hear anything quieter  than a jet engine,
take 40 different  medications that make me dizzy, winded, and  subject to
blackouts.  Have bouts with  dementia. Have poor  circulation;
hardly feel my hands and  feet anymore.  Can’t remember if I’m 85 or 92.
Have lost all my friends.  But, thank God,
I still have my driver’s  license.
 
 
 
I feel like my  body has gotten totally out of shape,
so I got my  doctor’s permission to
join a fitness club and  start exercising.
I decided to take an  aerobics class for seniors.
I bent,  twisted, gyrated, jumped up and down, and perspired for an hour.
But, by the time I got my leotards on, the  class was over.
 
 
 
An elderly  woman decided to prepare her will and
told her preacher she  had two final requests.
First, she  wanted to be cremated, and second,
she wanted  her ashes scattered over Wal-Mart.
‘Wal-Mart?’ the preacher  exclaimed.
‘Why Wal-Mart?’   ‘Then I’ll be sure my  daughters visit me twice a week’
  My memory’s not as sharp as  it used to be.
Also, my memory’s not as  sharp as it used to be.
  Know how to prevent  sagging?
Just eat till the  wrinkles fill out.
  It’s scary when you start  making the same noises
as your coffee  maker.
 
These days  about half the stuff in my shopping cart  says,
‘For fast  relief.’
 
THE  SENILITY PRAYER :
Grant me the senility to  forget the people I never liked  anyway, the good
fortune to run into  the ones I do, and the eyesight to tell the
difference.
 
Now, I think you’re  supposed to share this with 5 or 6, maybe 10 others. Oh
heck, give it to a  bunch of your friends if you can remember who they are!
 
Always  Remember This:
You don’t stop laughing because you  grow old,
You grow old  because you stop laughing

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