Jul 05 2008
Posted by Grandson under Humor, pictures
Mother’s Nightmare
So there I was . . Just relaxing in front of the TV……..
When the kids yelled, ‘Hey Mom, come see the kittens!’
Archive for the Tag 'children'
Jun 09 2008
Posted by Grandson under Humor
HELLO!!!!!!!!!
—
One day, in line at the company cafeteria, Joe says to Mike behind him, ‘My elbow hurts like hell. I guess I’d better see a doctor.’
‘Listen, you don’t have to spend that kind of money,’ Mike replies.
‘There’s a diagnostic computer down at Wal-Mart. Just give it a urine sample and the computer will tell you what’s wrong and what to do about it.
It takes ten seconds and costs ten dollars . . . A lot cheaper than a doctor.’
So, Joe deposits a urine sample in a small jar and takes it to Wal-Mart.
He deposits ten dollars and the computer lights up and asks for the urine sample. He pours the sample into the slot and waits.
Ten seconds later, the computer ejects a printout:
‘You have tennis elbow. Soak your arm in warm water and avoid heavy activity. It will improve in two weeks. Thank you for shopping @ Wal-Mart..’
That evening, while thinking how amazing this new technology was, Joe began wondering if the computer could be fooled.
He mixed some tap water, a stool sample from his dog, urine samples from his wife and daughter, and a sperm sample for good measure.
Joe hurries back to Wal-Mart, eager to check the results. He deposits ten dollars, pours in his concoction, and awaits the results.
The computer prints the following:
1. Your tap water is too hard. Get a water softener. (Aisle 9)
2. Your dog has ringworm. Bathe him with anti-fungal shampoo. (Aisle 7)
3. Your daughter has a cocaine habit. Get her into rehab.
4. Your wife is pregnant. Twins. They aren’t yours. Get a lawyer.
5. If you don’t stop playing with yourself, your elbow will never get better!
Thank you for shopping @ Wal-Mart
Jun 08 2008
Posted by Grandson under Feel Good
A COAT HANGER ????
A woman was at work when she received a phone call that her small daughter was very sick with a fever. She left her work and stopped by the pharmacy to get some medication. She got back to her car and found that she had locked her keys in the car. She didn’t know What to do, so she called home and told the baby sitter what had happened.
The baby sitter told her that the fever was getting worse. She said, ‘You might find a coat hanger and use that to open the door.’
The woman looked around and found an old rusty coat hanger that had been left on the ground, possibly by someone else who at some time had locked their keys in their car .
She looked at the hanger and said,
‘I don’t know how to use this.’
She looked at the hanger and said,
‘I don’t know how to use this.’
She bowed her head and asked God to send her help. Within five minutes a beat up old motorcycle pulled up, with a dirty, greasy, bearded man who
was wearing an old biker skull rag on his head.
was wearing an old biker skull rag on his head.
The woman thought, ‘This is what You sent to help me?’ But, she was desperate, so she was also very thankful.
The man got off of his cycle and asked if he could help.
She said, ‘Yes,my daughter is very sick. I stopped to get her some medication and I locked my keys in my car. I must get home to her. Please, can you use this hanger to unlock my car?
She said, ‘Yes,my daughter is very sick. I stopped to get her some medication and I locked my keys in my car. I must get home to her. Please, can you use this hanger to unlock my car?
He said, ‘Sure.’
He walked over to the car, and in less than a minute the car was opened.
He walked over to the car, and in less than a minute the car was opened.
She hugged the man and through her tears she said, ‘Thank You So Much! You are a very nice man.’
The man replied, ‘Lady, I am not a nice man. I just got out of prison today.
I was in prison for car theft and have only been out for about an hour.’
I was in prison for car theft and have only been out for about an hour.’
The woman hugged the man again and with sobbing tears cried out loud,
‘Oh, thank you God! You even sent me a Professional!’
Is - GOD GOOD - or what!?
Jun 06 2008
Posted by Grandson under Humor
Little Bruce
Little Bruce and Jenny are only 10 years old, but they just know that they are in love. One day they decide that they want to get married, so Bruce goes to Jenny’s father to ask him for her hand. Bruce bravely walks up to him and says, ‘Mr. Smith, me and Jenny are in love and I want to ask you for her hand in marriage.’
Thinking that this was just the cutest thing, Mr. Smith replies, ‘Well Bruce, you are only 10. Where will you two live?’
Without even taking a moment to think about it, Bruce replies, ‘In Jenny’s room. It’s bigger than mine and we can both fit there nicely.’
Still thinking this is just adorable, Mr. Smith says with a huge grin, ‘Okay then how will you live? You’re not old enough to get a job. You’ll need to support Jenny.’
Again, Bruce instantly replies, ‘Our allowance. Jenny makes 5 bucks a week and I make 10 bucks a week. That’s about 60 bucks a month and that should do us just fine.’
By this time Mr. Smith is a little shocked that Bruce has put so much thought into this. He thinks for a moment trying to come up with something that Bruce won’t have an answer to. After a second, Mr. Smith says, ‘Well Bruce, it seems like you have got everything all figured out. I just have one more question for you. What will you do if the two o f you should have little ones of your own?’
Bruce just shrugs his shoulders and says, ‘Well, we’ve been lucky so far.’
Mr. Smith no longer thinks the little shit is adorable.