Archive for the Tag 'doctors'

May 21 2009

Posted by Grandson under Humor

Gassy Granny

 Gassy Granny

A little old lady goes to the doctor and says, ‘I have this problem with gas, but it really doesn’t bother me too much. They never smell and are always silent. As a matter of fact, I’ve farted at least 20 times since I’ve been here in your office. You didn’t know I was farting because they don’t smell and are silent.’

The doctor says, ‘I see. Well, take these pills and come back to see me next week.’

The next week the lady goes back. ‘Doc,’ she says, ‘I don’t know what the hell you gave me, but now my farts — although still silent — stink terribly.’

The doctor says, ‘Good! Now that we’ve cleared up your sinuses, let’s work on your hearing…’

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Sep 28 2008

Posted by Grandson under Humor

WILL I LIVE TO BE 100 ?

WILL I LIVE TO BE 100?

I recently turned 70 and had to choose a new primary care physician for my Medicare program.

After two visits and exhaustive lab tests, he said I was
doing ‘fairly well’ for my age.*

A little concerned about that comment, I couldn’t resist
asking him, ‘Do you think I will live to be 100?’

He asked: Do you smoke tobacco or drink alcoholic
 
beverages?

‘Oh no,’ I replied. ‘I don’t do drugs, either.’


‘Do you have many friends and entertain frequently?’
‘I said, ‘No, I usually stay home and keep to myself’.


‘Do you eat rib-eye steaks and barbecued ribs?’
I said, ‘No, my other doctor said that all red meat is
unhealthy!’

‘Do you spend a lot of time in the sun, like playing golf,
sailing, hiking or bicycling?’


‘No, I don’t,’ I said

‘Do you gamble, drive fast cars, or have a lot of sex?’

‘No,’ I said ‘I don’t do any of those things.’

He looked at me and said, ‘Then why do you give a shit?

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Aug 01 2008

Posted by Grandson under Humor

joe’s operation

Joe’s Operation
 
Joe goes to the doctor for his terrible headaches.
The doctor said,   ’Joe,  the good news is I can cure your severe headaches. The bad news is that it will require castration
You have a very rare condition which causes your testicles to press on your spine, and the pressure creates your terrible constant headaches. 
The only way to relieve the pressure is to remove
 the testicles.’ Joe was shocked and depressed.  He wondered if he had anything to live for.  He had no choice but to go under the knife.  When he left the hospital,  he was without a headache 
for the first time in 20 years, but he felt like he was missing an important part of himself.As he walked down the street,  he realized that he felt like a different person.  He could make a new beginning and live a new life. 
He saw a men’s clothing store and thought, ‘That’s what
 I need ….  a new suit.’  He entered the shop and told the salesman, ‘I’d like a new suit.’ 
The elderly tailor eyed him briefly and said,  ’Let’s
 see …
size 44 long.’ 
Joe laughed,  ‘That’s right,  how did you know?’ 
‘Been in the business 60 years!’  the tailor said. 
Joe tried on the suit;  it fit perfectly. 
As Joe admired himself in the mirror,  the salesman
 asked,  ’How about a new shirt?’
Joe thought for a moment and then said, ‘Sure.’
The salesman eyed Joe and said,  ‘Let’s see,  34 sleeves
 
and 16-1/2 neck.’ 
Joe was surprised,  ‘That’s right,  how did you know?’ 
‘Been in the business 60 years.’ 
Joe tried on the shirt,  and it fit perfectly. 
Joe walked comfortably around the shop, and the
 salesman asked, ‘How about some new underwear?’ 
Joe thought for a moment and said, ‘Sure.’ 
The salesman said,  ‘Let’s see … size 36.’ 
Joe laughed,  ‘Ah ha!  I got you,  I’ve worn a size 34
  brief
since I was 18 years old.’
The salesman shook his head,  ’You can’t wear a size 34.
  
A size 34 would press your testicles up against the base

of your spine and give you one hell of a headache’ 

New suit – $400 
New shirt – $36 
New underwear – $6 
Second opinion – PRICELESS

49 Comments »

Jun 09 2008

Posted by Grandson under Humor

HELLO!!!!!!!!!


One day, in line at the company cafeteria, Joe says to Mike behind him, ‘My elbow hurts like hell. I guess I’d better see a doctor.’

‘Listen, you don’t have to spend that kind of money,’ Mike replies.

‘There’s a diagnostic computer down at Wal-Mart. Just give it a urine sample and the computer will tell you what’s wrong and what to do about it.

It takes ten seconds and costs ten dollars . . . A lot cheaper than a doctor.’

So, Joe deposits a urine sample in a small jar and takes it to Wal-Mart.

He deposits ten dollars and the computer lights up and asks for the urine sample. He pours the sample into the slot and waits.

Ten seconds later, the computer ejects a printout:

‘You have tennis elbow. Soak your arm in warm water and avoid heavy activity. It will improve in two weeks. Thank you for shopping @ Wal-Mart..’

That evening, while thinking how amazing this new technology was, Joe began wondering if the computer could be fooled.

He mixed some tap water, a stool sample from his dog, urine samples from his wife and daughter, and a sperm sample for good measure.

Joe hurries back to Wal-Mart, eager to check the results. He deposits ten dollars, pours in his concoction, and awaits the results.

The computer prints the following:

1. Your tap water is too hard. Get a water softener. (Aisle 9)
2. Your dog has ringworm. Bathe him with anti-fungal shampoo. (Aisle 7)
3. Your daughter has a cocaine habit. Get her into rehab.
4. Your wife is pregnant. Twins. They aren’t yours. Get a lawyer.
5. If you don’t stop playing with yourself, your elbow will never get better!

Thank you for shopping @ Wal-Mart

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