E-Mail from Grandma » doctors

It’s hell to be old

Grandson — Sun, 28 Mar 2010 17:31:57 +0000

OLD people have problems that you haven't  even considered yet!

An 85-year-old man was requested by his  Doctor to provide a semen sample as part of his physical exam.

The doctor gave the man a jar and said, 'Take this jar home and bring back a semen sample tomorrow.'

The next day the 85-year-old man reappeared at the doctor's office and gave him the jar, which was as clean and empty as on the previous day..

The doctor asked what happened and the man explained, 'Well, doc, it's like this–first I tried with my right hand, but nothing. Then I tried with my left hand, but still nothing…

'Then I asked my wife for help. She tried with her right hand, then with her left, still nothing. She tried with her mouth, first with the teeth in, then with her teeth out, still nothing.

'We even called up Arleen, the lady next door and she tried too, first with both hands, then an armpit, and she even tried squeezin' it between her knees, but still nothing.'

The doctor was shocked! 'You asked your neighbor?'

The old man replied, 'Yep, none of us could get the jar open.

Gassy Granny

Grandson — Thu, 21 May 2009 06:50:45 +0000

Gassy Granny

A little old lady goes to the doctor and says, ‘I have this problem with gas, but it really doesn’t bother me too much. They never smell and are always silent. As a matter of fact, I’ve farted at least 20 times since I’ve been here in your office. You didn’t know I was farting because they don’t smell and are silent.’

The doctor says, ‘I see. Well, take these pills and come back to see me next week.’

The next week the lady goes back. ‘Doc,’ she says, ‘I don’t know what the hell you gave me, but now my farts — although still silent — stink terribly.’

The doctor says, ‘Good! Now that we’ve cleared up your sinuses, let’s work on your hearing…’

WILL I LIVE TO BE 100 ?

Grandson — Mon, 29 Sep 2008 02:39:22 +0000

WILL I LIVE TO BE 100?

I recently turned 70 and had to choose a new primary care physician for my Medicare program.

After two visits and exhaustive lab tests, he said I was
doing ‘fairly well’ for my age.*

A little concerned about that comment, I couldn’t resist
asking him, ‘Do you think I will live to be 100?’

He asked: Do you smoke tobacco or drink alcoholic

beverages?

‘Oh no,’ I replied. ‘I don’t do drugs, either.’

‘Do you have many friends and entertain frequently?’
‘I said, ‘No, I usually stay home and keep to myself’.

‘Do you eat rib-eye steaks and barbecued ribs?’
I said, ‘No, my other doctor said that all red meat is
unhealthy!’

‘Do you spend a lot of time in the sun, like playing golf,
sailing, hiking or bicycling?’

‘No, I don’t,’ I said

‘Do you gamble, drive fast cars, or have a lot of sex?’

‘No,’ I said ‘I don’t do any of those things.’

He looked at me and said, ‘Then why do you give a shit?

joe’s operation

Grandson — Sat, 02 Aug 2008 05:49:37 +0000

Joe’s Operation

Joe goes to the doctor for his terrible headaches.

The doctor said, ’Joe, the good news is I can cure your severe headaches. The bad news is that it will require castration.

You have a very rare condition which causes your testicles to press on your spine, and the pressure creates your terrible constant headaches.
The only way to relieve the pressure is to remove the testicles.’ Joe was shocked and depressed. He wondered if he had anything to live for. He had no choice but to go under the knife. When he left the hospital, he was without a headache

for the first time in 20 years, but he felt like he was missing an important part of himself.As he walked down the street, he realized that he felt like a different person. He could make a new beginning and live a new life.
He saw a men’s clothing store and thought, ‘That’s what I need …. a new suit.’ He entered the shop and told the salesman, ‘I’d like a new suit.’
The elderly tailor eyed him briefly and said, ’Let’s see …

size 44 long.’
Joe laughed, ‘That’s right, how did you know?’
‘Been in the business 60 years!’ the tailor said.
Joe tried on the suit; it fit perfectly.
As Joe admired himself in the mirror, the salesman asked, ’How about a new shirt?’

Joe thought for a moment and then said, ‘Sure.’
The salesman eyed Joe and said, ‘Let’s see, 34 sleeves

and 16-1/2 neck.’
Joe was surprised, ‘That’s right, how did you know?’
‘Been in the business 60 years.’
Joe tried on the shirt, and it fit perfectly.
Joe walked comfortably around the shop, and the salesman asked, ‘How about some new underwear?’
Joe thought for a moment and said, ‘Sure.’
The salesman said, ‘Let’s see … size 36.’
Joe laughed, ‘Ah ha! I got you, I’ve worn a size 34 brief

since I was 18 years old.’
The salesman shook his head, ’You can’t wear a size 34.

A size 34 would press your testicles up against the base

of your spine and give you one hell of a headache’

New suit – $400
New shirt – $36
New underwear – $6
Second opinion – PRICELESS