Archive for the Tag 'doctors'

Aug 01 2008

Posted by under Humor

joe’s operation

Joe’s Operation
 
Joe goes to the doctor for his terrible headaches.
The doctor said,   ‘Joe,  the good news is I can cure your severe headaches. The bad news is that it will require castration
You have a very rare condition which causes your testicles to press on your spine, and the pressure creates your terrible constant headaches. 
The only way to relieve the pressure is to remove
 the testicles.’ Joe was shocked and depressed.  He wondered if he had anything to live for.  He had no choice but to go under the knife.  When he left the hospital,  he was without a headache 
for the first time in 20 years, but he felt like he was missing an important part of himself.As he walked down the street,  he realized that he felt like a different person.  He could make a new beginning and live a new life. 
He saw a men’s clothing store and thought, ‘That’s what
 I need ….  a new suit.’  He entered the shop and told the salesman, ‘I’d like a new suit.’ 
The elderly tailor eyed him briefly and said,  ‘Let’s
 see …
size 44 long.’ 
Joe laughed,  ‘That’s right,  how did you know?’ 
‘Been in the business 60 years!’  the tailor said. 
Joe tried on the suit;  it fit perfectly. 
As Joe admired himself in the mirror,  the salesman
 asked,  ‘How about a new shirt?’
Joe thought for a moment and then said, ‘Sure.’
The salesman eyed Joe and said,  ‘Let’s see,  34 sleeves
 
and 16-1/2 neck.’ 
Joe was surprised,  ‘That’s right,  how did you know?’ 
‘Been in the business 60 years.’ 
Joe tried on the shirt,  and it fit perfectly. 
Joe walked comfortably around the shop, and the
 salesman asked, ‘How about some new underwear?’ 
Joe thought for a moment and said, ‘Sure.’ 
The salesman said,  ‘Let’s see … size 36.’ 
Joe laughed,  ‘Ah ha!  I got you,  I’ve worn a size 34
  brief
since I was 18 years old.’
The salesman shook his head,  ‘You can’t wear a size 34.
  
A size 34 would press your testicles up against the base

of your spine and give you one hell of a headache’ 

New suit – $400 
New shirt – $36 
New underwear – $6 
Second opinion – PRICELESS

49 Comments »

Jun 09 2008

Posted by under Humor

HELLO!!!!!!!!!


One day, in line at the company cafeteria, Joe says to Mike behind him, ‘My elbow hurts like hell. I guess I’d better see a doctor.’

‘Listen, you don’t have to spend that kind of money,’ Mike replies.

‘There’s a diagnostic computer down at Wal-Mart. Just give it a urine sample and the computer will tell you what’s wrong and what to do about it.

It takes ten seconds and costs ten dollars . . . A lot cheaper than a doctor.’

So, Joe deposits a urine sample in a small jar and takes it to Wal-Mart.

He deposits ten dollars and the computer lights up and asks for the urine sample. He pours the sample into the slot and waits.

Ten seconds later, the computer ejects a printout:

‘You have tennis elbow. Soak your arm in warm water and avoid heavy activity. It will improve in two weeks. Thank you for shopping @ Wal-Mart..’

That evening, while thinking how amazing this new technology was, Joe began wondering if the computer could be fooled.

He mixed some tap water, a stool sample from his dog, urine samples from his wife and daughter, and a sperm sample for good measure.

Joe hurries back to Wal-Mart, eager to check the results. He deposits ten dollars, pours in his concoction, and awaits the results.

The computer prints the following:

1. Your tap water is too hard. Get a water softener. (Aisle 9)
2. Your dog has ringworm. Bathe him with anti-fungal shampoo. (Aisle 7)
3. Your daughter has a cocaine habit. Get her into rehab.
4. Your wife is pregnant. Twins. They aren’t yours. Get a lawyer.
5. If you don’t stop playing with yourself, your elbow will never get better!

Thank you for shopping @ Wal-Mart

No Comments »

May 19 2008

Posted by under Humor

Hot and Cold Sex

After his exam the doctor asked the elderly man: ‘You appear to be

in good health. Do you have any medical concerns you would like to ask

me about?’

‘In fact, I do,’ said the old man. ‘After I have sex, I am usually

cold and chilly, and then, after I have sex with her the second time, I

am usually hot and sweaty.’

Later, after examining his elderly wife, the doctor said:

‘Everything appears to be fine. Do you have any medical concerns that you

would like to discuss with me?’

She replied that she had no questions or concerns.

The doctor then said to her: ‘Your husband had an unusual concern.

He claims that he is usually cold and chilly after having sex with you

the first time, and then hot and sweaty after the second time. Do you

know why?’

‘Oh that crazy old fart,’ she replied. ‘That’s because the first

time is usually in January and the second time is in August.’

No Comments »

Apr 11 2008

Posted by under Humor,Reality

Doctors vs Gun Owners

(A)   The number of physicians in the U.S. is

700,000.

(B)   Accidental deaths caused by Physicians

per year are
 

120,000.

(C)   Accidental deaths per physician

is  

0.171.

Statistics courtesy of U.S. Dept of

Health Human Services.  

>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>  

Now think about this:
Guns
 
(A)   The number of gun owners in the U.S. is

80,000,000.  

(Yes, that’s 80 million)

 
(B)   The number of accidental gun deaths

per year, all age groups,

is

 
1,500.  

(C)   The number of accidental deaths


per gun owner
 

is


..000188.

Statistics courtesy of FBI

>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>    

So, statistically, doctors are approximately

9,000 times more dangerous than gun owners.

>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>  

Remember, ‘Guns don’t kill people, doctors do.’

>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>    

FACT: NOT EVERYONE HAS A GUN,
BUT
 

ALMOST EVERYONE HAS AT LEAST ONE DOCTOR.

>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>  

Please alert your friends
 

to this
alarming threat. We must ban doctors  

before this gets completely out of hand!!!!!

>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>  

Out of concern for the public at large,

I withheld the statistics on  

LAWYERS
 

for fear the shock would cause
 
people to panic and seek medical attention!

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