Archive for the Tag 'elderly'

Mar 28 2010

Posted by Grandson under Humor

It’s hell to be old

OLD people  have problems that you haven't  even considered yet!  
     
An 85-year-old man was requested by his  Doctor to provide a semen sample as part of his  physical exam. 

The doctor gave the man a  jar and said, 'Take this jar home and bring back a semen sample tomorrow.'  

The next day  the 85-year-old man reappeared at the doctor's office and gave him the  jar, which was as clean and empty as on the previous day..  

The doctor asked what happened and the man explained, 'Well, doc, it's like this–first I tried with my right hand, but nothing.   Then I tried with my left hand, but still nothing…  

'Then I asked my wife for help.  She tried with her right hand, then with her left, still nothing.  She tried with her mouth, first with the teeth in, then with her teeth out, still nothing.  

'We even called up Arleen, the lady next door and she tried too, first with both hands, then an armpit, and she even tried squeezin' it between her knees, but still nothing.' 

The doctor was shocked! 'You asked your neighbor?'    
   


The old man replied, 'Yep, none of us could get the jar open.

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Mar 24 2010

Posted by Grandson under Humor

Dad at the mall

 I took my dad to the mall the other day to buy some new shoes
(he is 92). We decided to grab a bite at the food court.
I noticed he was watching a teenager sitting next to him.

The teenager had spiked hair in all different colors: green, red,
orange, and blue. My dad kept staring at him. The teenager would look
and find him staring every time. When the teenager had had enough, he
sarcastically asked, 'What's the matter old man, never done anything
wild in your life?'

Knowing my Dad, I quickly swallowed my food so that I would not choke on
his response, knowing he would have a good one, and in classic style he
did not bat an eye in his response.
'Got drunk once, and had sex with a peacock. I was just wondering if you
were my son.'

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Mar 11 2010

Posted by Grandson under Humor

CASH FOR CLUNKERS…………..

Can you relate?

CASH FOR CLUNKERS……….I QUALIFY

IF MY BODY WERE A CAR…

If my body were a car, this is the time I would be thinking about trading it in for a newer model. I've got bumps and dents and scratches in my finish, and my paint job is getting a little dull. But that's not the worst of it. My headlights are out of focus, and it's especially hard to see things up close.

My traction is not as graceful as it once was. I slip and slide and skid and bump into things even in the best of weather.

My whitewalls are stained with varicose veins. It takes me hours to reach my maximum speed. My fuel rate burns inefficiently.

But here's the worst of it —

Almost every time I sneeze, cough or laugh, either my radiator leaks or my exhaust backfires.
 

CASH FOR CLUNKERS…….I QUALIFY – How about You??

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Jan 17 2010

Posted by Grandson under Humor

HOW IS NORMA?

HOW IS NORMA?

 
               A sweet grandmother telephoned St. Joseph 's Hospital. She timidly asked,
               'Is it possible to speak to someone who can tell me how a patient is

               doing?'

 

               The operator said, 'I'll be glad to help, dear. What's the name and room

               number?'

 

               The grandmother in her weak, tremulous voice said, 'Norma Findlay Room 302.'

 

               The operator replied, 'Let me place you on hold while I check with her

               nurse. After a few minutes, the operator returned to the phone and said,

               'Oh, I have good news. Her nurse just told me that Norma is doing very

               well. Her blood pressure is fine; her blood work just came back as

               normal, and her physician, Dr. Cohen, has scheduled her to be discharged

               on Tuesday.'

 

               The grandmother said, 'Thank you.  That's wonderful! I was so worried!

               God bless you for the good news.'

 

               The operator replied, 'You're more than welcome.  Is Norma your daughter?'

 

                The grandmother said, 'No, I'm Norma Findlay in 302.  No one tells me shit.

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