E-Mail from Grandma » elderly

It’s hell to be old

Grandson — Sun, 28 Mar 2010 17:31:57 +0000

OLD people have problems that you haven't  even considered yet!

An 85-year-old man was requested by his  Doctor to provide a semen sample as part of his physical exam.

The doctor gave the man a jar and said, 'Take this jar home and bring back a semen sample tomorrow.'

The next day the 85-year-old man reappeared at the doctor's office and gave him the jar, which was as clean and empty as on the previous day..

The doctor asked what happened and the man explained, 'Well, doc, it's like this–first I tried with my right hand, but nothing. Then I tried with my left hand, but still nothing…

'Then I asked my wife for help. She tried with her right hand, then with her left, still nothing. She tried with her mouth, first with the teeth in, then with her teeth out, still nothing.

'We even called up Arleen, the lady next door and she tried too, first with both hands, then an armpit, and she even tried squeezin' it between her knees, but still nothing.'

The doctor was shocked! 'You asked your neighbor?'

The old man replied, 'Yep, none of us could get the jar open.

Dad at the mall

Grandson — Thu, 25 Mar 2010 04:20:01 +0000

I took my dad to the mall the other day to buy some new shoes
(he is 92). We decided to grab a bite at the food court.
I noticed he was watching a teenager sitting next to him.

The teenager had spiked hair in all different colors: green, red,
orange, and blue. My dad kept staring at him. The teenager would look
and find him staring every time. When the teenager had had enough, he
sarcastically asked, 'What's the matter old man, never done anything
wild in your life?'

Knowing my Dad, I quickly swallowed my food so that I would not choke on
his response, knowing he would have a good one, and in classic style he
did not bat an eye in his response.
'Got drunk once, and had sex with a peacock. I was just wondering if you
were my son.'

CASH FOR CLUNKERS…………..

Grandson — Fri, 12 Mar 2010 04:10:14 +0000

Can you relate?

CASH FOR CLUNKERS……….I QUALIFY

IF MY BODY WERE A CAR…

If my body were a car, this is the time I would be thinking about trading it in for a newer model. I've got bumps and dents and scratches in my finish, and my paint job is getting a little dull. But that's not the worst of it. My headlights are out of focus, and it's especially hard to see things up close.

My traction is not as graceful as it once was. I slip and slide and skid and bump into things even in the best of weather.

My whitewalls are stained with varicose veins. It takes me hours to reach my maximum speed. My fuel rate burns inefficiently.

But here's the worst of it —

Almost every time I sneeze, cough or laugh, either my radiator leaks or my exhaust backfires.

CASH FOR CLUNKERS…….I QUALIFY – How about You??

HOW IS NORMA?

Grandson — Sun, 17 Jan 2010 06:32:26 +0000

HOW IS NORMA?

A sweet grandmother telephoned St. Joseph 's Hospital. She timidly asked,

'Is it possible to speak to someone who can tell me how a patient is

doing?'

The operator said, 'I'll be glad to help, dear. What's the name and room

number?'

The grandmother in her weak, tremulous voice said, 'Norma Findlay Room 302.'

The operator replied, 'Let me place you on hold while I check with her

nurse. After a few minutes, the operator returned to the phone and said,

'Oh, I have good news. Her nurse just told me that Norma is doing very

well. Her blood pressure is fine; her blood work just came back as

normal, and her physician, Dr. Cohen, has scheduled her to be discharged

on Tuesday.'

The grandmother said, 'Thank you. That's wonderful! I was so worried!

God bless you for the good news.'

The operator replied, 'You're more than welcome. Is Norma your daughter?'

The grandmother said, 'No, I'm Norma Findlay in 302. No one tells me shit.