Archive for the Tag 'elderly'

Jan 17 2010

Posted by under Humor

HOW IS NORMA?

HOW IS NORMA?

 
               A sweet grandmother telephoned St. Joseph 's Hospital. She timidly asked,
               'Is it possible to speak to someone who can tell me how a patient is

               doing?'

 

               The operator said, 'I'll be glad to help, dear. What's the name and room

               number?'

 

               The grandmother in her weak, tremulous voice said, 'Norma Findlay Room 302.'

 

               The operator replied, 'Let me place you on hold while I check with her

               nurse. After a few minutes, the operator returned to the phone and said,

               'Oh, I have good news. Her nurse just told me that Norma is doing very

               well. Her blood pressure is fine; her blood work just came back as

               normal, and her physician, Dr. Cohen, has scheduled her to be discharged

               on Tuesday.'

 

               The grandmother said, 'Thank you.  That's wonderful! I was so worried!

               God bless you for the good news.'

 

               The operator replied, 'You're more than welcome.  Is Norma your daughter?'

 

                The grandmother said, 'No, I'm Norma Findlay in 302.  No one tells me shit.

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Nov 13 2009

Posted by under Humor

AN IRISHMAN’S CONFESSION

A married Irishman went into the confessional and said to his priest, 'I almost had an affair with another woman.'

The priest said, 'What do you mean, almost?'

The Irishman said, 'Well, we got undressed and rubbed together, but then I stopped.'

The priest said, 'Rubbing together is the same as putting it in. You're not to see that woman again.
 
 For your penance, say five Hail Mary's and put $50 in the poor box '

The Irishman left the confessional, said his prayers, and then walked over to the poor box.
 
He paused for a moment and then started to leave.

The priest, who was watching, quickly ran over to him saying, 'I saw that.You didn't put any money in the poor box!'

The Irishman replied, 'Yeah, but I rubbed the $50 on the box, and according to you, that's the same as putting it in!'

 

There once was a religious young woman who went to Confession. Upon entering the confe ssional, she said,
 
 'Forgive me, Father, for I have sinned.'

The priest said, 'Confess your sins and be forgiven.'

 

The young woman said, 'Last night my boyfriend made mad passionate love to me seven times.'

The priest thought long and hard and then said,
'Squeeze seven lemons into a glass and then drink the juice.'

The young woman asked, 'Will this cleanse me of my sins?'

The priest said, 'No, but it will wipe that smile off of your face.'

 

Muldoon lived alone in the Irish countryside with only a pet dog for company. One day the dog died, and Muldoon went to the parish priest and asked, 'Father, my dog is dead. Could ya' be saying' a Mass for the poor creat ure?'

Father Patrick replied, 'I'm afraid not; we cannot have services for an animal in the church. But there are some Baptists down the lane, and there's no tellin' what they believe. Maybe they'll do something for the creature.'

Muldoon said, 'I'll go right away Father. Do ya think $5,000 is enough to donate to them for the service?'

Father Patrick exclaimed, 'Sweet Mary, Mother of Jesus! Why didn't ya tell me the dog was Catholic?

 



And my favorite:

An elderly man walks into a confessional. The following conversation ensues: Man: 'I am 92 years old, have a wonderful wife of 70 years, many children, grandchildren, and great grandchildren. Yesterday, I picked up two college girls, hitchhiking . We went to a motel, where I had sex with each of them three times.'

Priest: 'Are you sorry for your sins?'

Man: 'What sins? '

Priest: 'What kind of a Catholic are you?'

Man: 'I'm Jewish.'

Priest: 'Why are you telling me all this?'

Man: 'I'm 92 years old … I'm telling everybody.'

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Nov 03 2009

Posted by under Humor

a little humor

From the American Association Of Retired People

 

Questions and Answers from AARP Forum

Q: Where can men over the age of 60 find younger, sexy 
women who are interested 
in them?

A: Try a bookstore, under Fiction.

Q: What can a man do while his wife is going through menopause? 

A: Keep busy. If you're handy with tools, you can finish the basement.  When you're done, you will have a place to live.

Q: Someone has told me that 
menopause is mentioned in 
the bible… Is
 that true? 
Where can
 it be

  found?

A: Yes. Matthew 14:92: 
"And Mary rode Joseph's ass all the way to  Egypt ."

Q: How can you increase the heart rate of your over-60 
year-old husband?

A: Tell him you're pregnant.

Q: How can you avoid that terrible curse of the elderly wrinkles?

 

A: Take off your glasses.

Q: Seriously! What can I do for these Crow's feet and all those wrinkles on my face?

A: Go braless. It will usually pull them out.

Q: Why should 60-plus year old people use valet parking?

A: Valets don't forget where they park your car.

Q: Is it common for 60-plus year olds to have problems with  short term memory storage?

A: Storing memory is not a problem, Retrieving it is the problem.

Q: As people age, do they sleep More soundly?

A: Yes, but usually in the afternoon.

Q: Where should 60-plus year olds look for eye glasses?

A: On their foreheads.

Q: What is the most common remark made by 60-plus year olds when they enter antique stores?

A: "Gosh, I remember these!"

SMILE, You've still got your sense of humor, RIGHT?
 

 

 

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Jun 14 2009

Posted by under Humor

The IRS and Grandpa

Subject: The IRS and Grandpa

 

The IRS decides to audit Grandpa, and summons him to the
 IRS office.  The IRS auditor was not surprised when Grandpa
showed up with his attorney.
 
 The auditor said, ‘Well, sir, you have an extravagant
 lifestyle and no full-time employment, Which you explain by
 saying that you win money gambling. I’m not sure the IRS
 finds that believable.’
 
 I’m a great gambler, and I can prove it,’ says
 Grandpa. ‘How about a demonstration?’
 
 The auditor thinks for a moment and said, ‘Okay. Go
 ahead.’
 
 Grandpa says, ‘I’ll bet you a thousand dollars that
 I can bite my own eye.’
 
 The auditor thinks a moment and says, ‘It’s a
 bet.’
 
 Grandpa removes his glass eye and bites it. The
 auditor’s jaw drops.
 
 Grandpa says, ‘Now, I’ll bet you two thousand
 dollars that I can bite my other eye.’
 
 Now the auditor can tell Grandpa isn’t blind, so he
 takes the bet.
 
 Grandpa removes his dentures and bites his good eye.
 
 The stunned auditor now realizes he has wagered and lost
 three grand, with Grandpa’s attorney as a witness. He
 starts to get nervous.
 
 ‘Want to go double or nothing?’ Grandpa asks
 ‘I’ll bet you six thousand dollars that I can stand
 on one side of your desk, and pee into that wastebasket on
 the other side, and never get a drop anywhere in
 between.’
 
 The auditor, twice burned, is cautious now, but he looks
 carefully and decides there’s no way this old guy could
 possibly manage that stunt, so he agrees again.
 
 Grandpa stands beside the desk and unzips his pants, but
 although he strains mightily, he can’t make the stream
 reach the wastebasket on the other side, so he pretty much
 urinates all over the auditor’s desk.
 
 The auditor leaps with joy, realizing that he has just
 turned a major loss into a huge win.
 
 But Grandpa’s own attorney moans and puts his head in
 his hands.
 
 ‘Are you okay?’ the auditor asks.
 
 ‘Not really,’ says the attorney. ‘This morning,
 when Grandpa told me he’d been summoned for an audit, he
 bet me twenty-five thousand dollars that he could come in
 here and piss all over your desk and that you’d be happy
 about it!’


 
 Don’t Mess with Old People!!

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