Archive for the Tag 'grandpa'

Mar 24 2010

Posted by under Humor

Dad at the mall

 I took my dad to the mall the other day to buy some new shoes
(he is 92). We decided to grab a bite at the food court.
I noticed he was watching a teenager sitting next to him.

The teenager had spiked hair in all different colors: green, red,
orange, and blue. My dad kept staring at him. The teenager would look
and find him staring every time. When the teenager had had enough, he
sarcastically asked, 'What's the matter old man, never done anything
wild in your life?'

Knowing my Dad, I quickly swallowed my food so that I would not choke on
his response, knowing he would have a good one, and in classic style he
did not bat an eye in his response.
'Got drunk once, and had sex with a peacock. I was just wondering if you
were my son.'

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Jun 14 2009

Posted by under Humor

The IRS and Grandpa

Subject: The IRS and Grandpa

 

The IRS decides to audit Grandpa, and summons him to the
 IRS office.  The IRS auditor was not surprised when Grandpa
showed up with his attorney.
 
 The auditor said, ‘Well, sir, you have an extravagant
 lifestyle and no full-time employment, Which you explain by
 saying that you win money gambling. I’m not sure the IRS
 finds that believable.’
 
 I’m a great gambler, and I can prove it,’ says
 Grandpa. ‘How about a demonstration?’
 
 The auditor thinks for a moment and said, ‘Okay. Go
 ahead.’
 
 Grandpa says, ‘I’ll bet you a thousand dollars that
 I can bite my own eye.’
 
 The auditor thinks a moment and says, ‘It’s a
 bet.’
 
 Grandpa removes his glass eye and bites it. The
 auditor’s jaw drops.
 
 Grandpa says, ‘Now, I’ll bet you two thousand
 dollars that I can bite my other eye.’
 
 Now the auditor can tell Grandpa isn’t blind, so he
 takes the bet.
 
 Grandpa removes his dentures and bites his good eye.
 
 The stunned auditor now realizes he has wagered and lost
 three grand, with Grandpa’s attorney as a witness. He
 starts to get nervous.
 
 ‘Want to go double or nothing?’ Grandpa asks
 ‘I’ll bet you six thousand dollars that I can stand
 on one side of your desk, and pee into that wastebasket on
 the other side, and never get a drop anywhere in
 between.’
 
 The auditor, twice burned, is cautious now, but he looks
 carefully and decides there’s no way this old guy could
 possibly manage that stunt, so he agrees again.
 
 Grandpa stands beside the desk and unzips his pants, but
 although he strains mightily, he can’t make the stream
 reach the wastebasket on the other side, so he pretty much
 urinates all over the auditor’s desk.
 
 The auditor leaps with joy, realizing that he has just
 turned a major loss into a huge win.
 
 But Grandpa’s own attorney moans and puts his head in
 his hands.
 
 ‘Are you okay?’ the auditor asks.
 
 ‘Not really,’ says the attorney. ‘This morning,
 when Grandpa told me he’d been summoned for an audit, he
 bet me twenty-five thousand dollars that he could come in
 here and piss all over your desk and that you’d be happy
 about it!’


 
 Don’t Mess with Old People!!

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