E-Mail from Grandma » IRS

The IRS and Grandpa

Grandson — Sun, 14 Jun 2009 18:24:20 +0000

Subject: The IRS and Grandpa

The IRS decides to audit Grandpa, and summons him to the
IRS office. The IRS auditor was not surprised when Grandpa

showed up with his attorney.

The auditor said, ‘Well, sir, you have an extravagant
lifestyle and no full-time employment, Which you explain by
saying that you win money gambling. I’m not sure the IRS
finds that believable.’

I’m a great gambler, and I can prove it,’ says
Grandpa. ‘How about a demonstration?’

The auditor thinks for a moment and said, ‘Okay. Go
ahead.’

Grandpa says, ‘I’ll bet you a thousand dollars that
I can bite my own eye.’

The auditor thinks a moment and says, ‘It’s a
bet.’

Grandpa removes his glass eye and bites it. The
auditor’s jaw drops.

Grandpa says, ‘Now, I’ll bet you two thousand
dollars that I can bite my other eye.’

Now the auditor can tell Grandpa isn’t blind, so he
takes the bet.

Grandpa removes his dentures and bites his good eye.

The stunned auditor now realizes he has wagered and lost
three grand, with Grandpa’s attorney as a witness. He
starts to get nervous.

’Want to go double or nothing?’ Grandpa asks
’I'll bet you six thousand dollars that I can stand
on one side of your desk, and pee into that wastebasket on
the other side, and never get a drop anywhere in
between.’

The auditor, twice burned, is cautious now, but he looks
carefully and decides there’s no way this old guy could
possibly manage that stunt, so he agrees again.

Grandpa stands beside the desk and unzips his pants, but
although he strains mightily, he can’t make the stream
reach the wastebasket on the other side, so he pretty much
urinates all over the auditor’s desk.

The auditor leaps with joy, realizing that he has just
turned a major loss into a huge win.

But Grandpa’s own attorney moans and puts his head in
his hands.

’Are you okay?’ the auditor asks.

’Not really,’ says the attorney. ‘This morning,
when Grandpa told me he’d been summoned for an audit, he
bet me twenty-five thousand dollars that he could come in
here and piss all over your desk and that you’d be happy
about it!’

Don’t Mess with Old People!!

The Last Nickel

Grandson — Sun, 24 May 2009 19:45:40 +0000

The Last Nickel

A father walks into a restaurant with his young son.
He gives the young boy 3 nickels to play with to keep him occupied.

Suddenly, the boy starts choking, going blue in the face.
The father realizes the boy has swallowed the nickels and starts slapping him on the back.

The boy coughs up 2 of the nickels, but keeps choking.
Looking at his son, the father is panicking, shouting for help.

A well dressed, attractive, and serious looking woman, in a blue business suit is sitting at a coffee bar reading a
newspaper and sipping a cup of coffee. At the sound of the commotion, she looks up, puts her coffee cup down, neatly folds the newspaper and places it on the counter, gets up from her seat and makes her way, unhurried, across the restaurant.

Reaching the boy, the woman carefully drops his pants;
takes hold of the boy’s testicles and starts to squeeze and twist, gently at first and then ever so firmly.

After a few seconds the boy convulses violently and coughs up the last nickel,

which the woman deftly catches in her free hand.

Releasing the boy’s testicles, the woman hands the
nickel to the father and walks back to her seat at the coffee bar without saying a word.

As soon as he is sure that his son has suffered no ill
effects, the father rushes over to the woman and starts thanking her
saying, "I’ve never seen anybody do anything like that before, it was
fantastic. Are you a doctor? "

‘No,’ the woman replied. I’m with the I.R.S..’

FYI… IRS tax rebate amount$…..pass it along

Grandson — Fri, 15 Feb 2008 03:17:42 +0000

*The check is in the mail*
*Week*	*Last 2 digits of your SSN*	*Receive your check by week of*
1	00 – 09	July 23
2	10 – 19	July 30
3	20 – 29	August 6
4	30 – 39	August 13
5	40 – 49	August 20
6	50 – 59	August 27
7	60 – 69	Sept. 3
8	70 – 79	Sept. 10
9	80 – 89	Sept. 17
10	90 – 99	Sept. 24
For married taxpayers who filed a joint return, the first Social Security Number on the return determines

PDF of the tax rebate breakdown you should expect to see.

DISCLAIMER: I cannot verify these dates as true. This information came to me from my grandma and she got them from someone who worked at the IRS. This is all word of mouth until a source is verifiable.