Archive for the Tag 'jokes'

Dec 24 2010

Posted by under Humor

Christmas joke

Three men died on Christmas Eve and were met by Saint Peter at the

Pearly Gates.

"In honor of this holy season" Saint Peter said,"You must each possess

something that symbolizes Christmas to get into heaven."

The first man fumbled through his pockets and pulled out a lighter. He

flicked it on. "It represents a candle", he said.

"You may pass through the pearly gates" Saint Peter said.

The second man reached into his pocket and pulled out a set of keys.

He shook them and said, "They're bells."

Saint Peter said "You may pass through the pearly gates".

The third man started searching desperately through his pockets and

Finally pulled out a pair of women's panties.

St. Peter looked at the man with a raised eyebrow and asked, "And just

what do those symbolize?"

The man replied, "These are Carols."

And So The Christmas Season Begins……

1 Comment »

Sep 02 2009

Posted by under Humor

How the World Works Today

How the world works lately… 

If a man cuts his finger off while slicing salami at work, 
he
 blames the restaurant. 

If you smoke three packs a day 
For
 40 years and die of lung cancer, 
your family blames the tobacco company.

If your neighbor crashes into a tree while driving home drunk, they blame the bartender.
 

If your grandchildren are brats with no manners, you blame TV.

If your friend is shot by a 
deranged madman, You blame the gun manufacturer. 

And if a crazed person breaks into the cockpit and tries to kill the pilot at 35,000 feet, and the passengers kill him instead, the mother of the crazed deceased blames the airline. 

I must have lived too long to 
understand
 the world as it is anymore. 

So, if I die while my OLD WRINKLED ASS is parked in front of this computer,
I want all of you to
  blame Bill Gates


1 Comment »

Aug 27 2009

Posted by under Humor,Religion

Christian One Liners

 Christian One Liners 

 

Don’t let your worries get the

best of you; remember, Moses started

out as a basket case. 

 

*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+* 

 

Some people are kind, polite, and

sweet-spirited until you try to sit in their pews. 

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Many folks want to serve God,

but only as advisors.

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It is easier to preach ten sermons

than it is to live one. 

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The good Lord didn’t create anything

without a purpose, but mosquitoes come close.. 

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When you get to your wit’s end,

you’ll find God lives there.

*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+* 

People are funny; they want the front

of the bus, the middle of the road, and

the back of the church

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Opportunity may knock once, but temptation

bangs on your front door forever.

*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+* 

Quit griping about your church;

if it was perfect, you couldn’t belong..

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If the church wants a better preacher,

it only needs to pray for the one it has.

*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+* 

God Himself does not propose to judge

a man until he is dead. So why should you? 

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Some minds are like concrete

thoroughly mixed up and permanently set. 

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Peace starts with a smile.. 

*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*

A lot of church members who are singing

‘Standing on the Promises’

are just sitting on the premises.

*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+* 

We were called to be witnesses,

not lawyers or judges..

*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+* 

Be ye fishers of men.. You catch

them – He’ll clean them. 

*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*

Coincidence is when God

chooses to remain anonymous.

*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*

Don’t put a question mark

where God put a period.

*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*

Don’t wait for 6 strong men

to take you to church. 

*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+* 

Forbidden fruits create many jams. 

*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*

God doesn’t call the qualified,

He qualifies the called.

*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*

God grades on the cross, not the curve.

*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*

God loves everyone, but probably prefers

‘fruit of the spirit’ over a ‘religious nut!’ 

*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*

God promises a safe landing,

not a calm passage. 

*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*

He who angers you, controls you!

*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*

If God is your Co-pilot – swap seats! 

*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*

Prayer: 

Don’t give God instructions — just report for duty!

*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*  

The task ahead of us is never as

great as the Power behind us. 

*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*  

The Will of God never takes you to

where the Grace of God will not protect you. 

*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+* 

We don’t change the message,

the message changes us .

*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*  

You can tell how big a person is

by what it takes to discourage him. 

*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*  

The best mathematical equation

I have ever seen: 

1 cross + 3 nails = 4 given. 

*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*

If this e-mail blessed you in a profound

way today, my Friend, PLEASE pass

this along to bless others today,

tomorrow and ALWAYS!

May God and His Son bless you

From today on out!

I bet someone will LOVE it

just as much as you did.

 

God Bless America!

1 Comment »

May 14 2009

Posted by under Humor

A Hispanic Boy’s Confession!!

AN HISPANIC BOY’S CONFESSION
‘Bless me Father, for I have sinned.I have beenwith a loose girl’
The priest asks, ‘Is that you, little Pepito Garcia?’


‘Yes, Father, it is.’


‘And who was the girl you were with?’
‘I can’t tell you, Father, I don’t want to ruin her reputation’
Well, Pepito, I’m sure to find out her name sooner or later so you may as well tell me now. Was it Tina Mendez?’
‘I cannot say.’
‘Was it Teresa Morales?’
‘I’ll never tell.’
‘Was it Nina Cantu?’
‘I’m sorry, but I cannot name her.’
‘Was it Patti Perez?’
‘My lips are sealed.’
‘Was it Rosita De Leon , then?’
‘Please, Father, I cannot tell you.’


The priest sighs in frustration. ‘You’re very tight lipped, and I admire that. But you’ve sinned and have to atone. You cannot be an altar boy now for 4 months. Now you go and behave yourself.’


Pepito walks back to his pew, and his friend Pancho slides over and whispers, ‘What’d you get?’


‘Four months vacation and five good leads.

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