E-Mail from Grandma » jokes

How the World Works Today

Grandson — Thu, 03 Sep 2009 03:12:14 +0000

How the world works lately…

If a man cuts his finger off while slicing salami at work,
he blames the restaurant.

If you smoke three packs a day
For 40 years and die of lung cancer,
your family blames the tobacco company.

If your neighbor crashes into a tree while driving home drunk, they blame the bartender.

If your grandchildren are brats with no manners, you blame TV.

If your friend is shot by a
deranged madman, You blame the gun manufacturer.

And if a crazed person breaks into the cockpit and tries to kill the pilot at 35,000 feet, and the passengers kill him instead, the mother of the crazed deceased blames the airline.

I must have lived too long to
understand the world as it is anymore.

So, if I die while my OLD WRINKLED ASS is parked in front of this computer,
I want all of you to blame Bill Gates

Christian One Liners

Grandson — Fri, 28 Aug 2009 04:51:37 +0000

Christian One Liners

Don’t let your worries get the

best of you; remember, Moses started

out as a basket case.

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Some people are kind, polite, and

sweet-spirited until you try to sit in their pews.

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Many folks want to serve God,

but only as advisors.

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It is easier to preach ten sermons

than it is to live one.

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The good Lord didn’t create anything

without a purpose, but mosquitoes come close..

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When you get to your wit’s end,

you’ll find God lives there.

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People are funny; they want the front

of the bus, the middle of the road, and

the back of the church…

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Opportunity may knock once, but temptation

bangs on your front door forever.

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Quit griping about your church;

if it was perfect, you couldn’t belong..

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If the church wants a better preacher,

it only needs to pray for the one it has.

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God Himself does not propose to judge

a man until he is dead. So why should you?

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Some minds are like concrete

thoroughly mixed up and permanently set.

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Peace starts with a smile..

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A lot of church members who are singing

‘Standing on the Promises’

are just sitting on the premises.

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We were called to be witnesses,

not lawyers or judges..

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Be ye fishers of men.. You catch

them – He’ll clean them.

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Coincidence is when God

chooses to remain anonymous.

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Don’t put a question mark

where God put a period.

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Don’t wait for 6 strong men

to take you to church.

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Forbidden fruits create many jams.

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God doesn’t call the qualified,

He qualifies the called.

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God grades on the cross, not the curve.

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God loves everyone, but probably prefers

‘fruit of the spirit’ over a ‘religious nut!’

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God promises a safe landing,

not a calm passage.

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He who angers you, controls you!

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If God is your Co-pilot – swap seats!

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Prayer:

Don’t give God instructions — just report for duty!

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The task ahead of us is never as

great as the Power behind us.

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The Will of God never takes you to

where the Grace of God will not protect you.

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We don’t change the message,

the message changes us .

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You can tell how big a person is

by what it takes to discourage him.

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The best mathematical equation

I have ever seen:

1 cross + 3 nails = 4 given.

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If this e-mail blessed you in a profound

way today, my Friend, PLEASE pass

this along to bless others today,

tomorrow and ALWAYS!

May God and His Son bless you

From today on out!

I bet someone will LOVE it

just as much as you did.

God Bless America!

A Hispanic Boy’s Confession!!

Grandson — Fri, 15 May 2009 01:20:08 +0000

AN HISPANIC BOY’S CONFESSION
‘Bless me Father, for I have sinned.I have beenwith a loose girl’
The priest asks, ‘Is that you, little Pepito Garcia?’

‘Yes, Father, it is.’

‘And who was the girl you were with?’
‘I can’t tell you, Father, I don’t want to ruin her reputation’
Well, Pepito, I’m sure to find out her name sooner or later so you may as well tell me now. Was it Tina Mendez?’
‘I cannot say.’
‘Was it Teresa Morales?’
‘I’ll never tell.’
‘Was it Nina Cantu?’
‘I’m sorry, but I cannot name her.’
‘Was it Patti Perez?’
‘My lips are sealed.’
‘Was it Rosita De Leon , then?’
‘Please, Father, I cannot tell you.’

The priest sighs in frustration. ‘You’re very tight lipped, and I admire that. But you’ve sinned and have to atone. You cannot be an altar boy now for 4 months. Now you go and behave yourself.’

Pepito walks back to his pew, and his friend Pancho slides over and whispers, ‘What’d you get?’

‘Four months vacation and five good leads.

DIFFERENT WAYS OF LOOKING AT THINGS

Grandson — Thu, 14 May 2009 02:46:20 +0000

DIFFERENT WAYS OF LOOKING AT THINGS …

———————————————————

A little boy went up to his father and asked: ‘Dad, where did my
intelligence come from?’

The father replied. ‘Well, son, you must have got it from your
mother,
cause I still have mine..’

———————————————————

‘Mr. Clark, I have reviewed this case very carefully,’ the divorce
court
Judge said, ‘And I’ve decided to give your wife $775 a week,’

‘That’s very fair, your honor,’ the husband said. ‘And every now and
then
I’ll try to send her a few bucks myself.’

———————————————————

A doctor examining a woman who had been rushed to the Emergency Room,
took
the husband aside, and said, ‘I don’t like the looks of your wife at
all.’

‘Me neither doc,’ said the husband.

‘But she’s a great cook and really good with the kids.’

———————————–

An old man goes to the Wizard to ask him if he can remove a curse he
has
been living with for the last 40 years.

The Wizard says, ‘Maybe, but you will have to tell me the exact words
that
were used to put the curse on you.’

The old man says without hesitation, ‘I now pronounce you man and
wife.’

———————————–

A blonde calls Delta Airlines and asks, ‘Can you tell me how long
it’ll
take
to fly from San Francisco to New York City ?’

The agent replies, ‘Just a minute.’

‘Thank you,’ the blonde says, and hangs up.

———————————–

Two Mexican detectives were investigating the murder of Juan Gonzalez
..

‘How was he killed?’ asked one detective.

‘With a golf gun,’ the other detective replied.

‘A golf gun! What is a golf gun?’

‘I don’t know. But it sure made a hole in Juan.’

———————————–

Moe: ‘My wife got me to believe in religion.’

Joe: ‘Really?’

Moe: ‘Yeah. Until I married her I didn’t believe in Hell.’

———————————–

A man is recovering from surgery when the surgical nurse appears and
asks
him how he is feeling.

‘I’m O. K. but I didn’t like the four letter-words the doctor used in
surgery,’ he answered.

‘What did he say,’ asked the nurse.

‘Oops!’

———————————–

While shopping for vacation clothes, my husband and I passed a display
of
bathing suits. It had been at least ten years and twenty pounds since
I
had

even considered buying a bathing suit, so I sought my husband’s
advice.

‘What do you think?’ I asked. ‘Should I get a bikini or an
all-in-one?’

‘Better get a bikini,’ he replied ‘You’d never get it all in one.’

He’s still in intensive care.

———————————–

The graveside service just barely finished, when there was massive
clap
of
thunder, followed by a tremendous bolt of lightning, accompanied by
even
more thunder rumbling in the distance.

The little old man looked at the pastor and calmly said, ‘Well, she’s
there.