E-Mail from Grandma » kids

My Living Will

Grandson — Fri, 01 Oct 2010 13:12:24 +0000

Last night, my adult kids and I were sitting in the living room and I said to them, 'I never want to live in a vegetative state, dependent on some machine and fluids from a bottle. If that ever happens, just pull the plug.'
They got up, unplugged the Computer, and threw out my wine.

They are such assholes.

Why we Love Children

Grandson — Thu, 15 Apr 2010 02:23:36 +0000

Why We Love Children

1. A nursery school pupil told his teacher he'd found a cat, but it
was dead.
'How do you know that the cat was dead?' she asked her pupil.
'Because I pissed in its ear and it didn't move,' answered the child
Innocently.
'You did WHAT?' the teacher exclaimed in surprise.
'You know,' explained the boy, 'I leaned over and went 'Pssst' and it
didn't move'

2. A small boy is sent to bed by his father.

Five minutes later…..'Da-ad….'
'What?'
'I'm thirsty. Can you bring a drink of water?'
'No, You had your chance. Lights out.'
Five minutes later: 'Da-aaaad…..'
'WHAT?'
'I'm THIRSTY. Can I have a drink of water??'
' I told you NO! If you ask again, I'll have to smack you!!'
Five minutes later……'Daaaa-aaaad…..'
'WHAT!'
'When you come in to smack me, can you bring a drink of water?'

3. An exasperated mother, whose son was always getting into mischief,
finally asked him 'How do you expect to get into Heaven?'
The boy thought it over and said, 'Well, I'll run in and out and in
and out and keep slamming the door until St. Peter says, 'For Heaven's
sake, Dylan, come in or stay out!''

4. One summer evening during a violent thunderstorm a mother was
tucking her son into bed. She was about to turn off the light when he
asked with a tremor in his voice, 'Mummy, will you sleep with me
tonight?'
The mother smiled and gave him a reassuring hug.
'I can't dear,' she said. 'I have to sleep in Daddy's room.'
A long silence was broken at last by his shaky little voice:
'The big sissy.'

5. It was that time, during the Sunday morning service, for the
children's sermon.
All the children were invited to come forward.
One little girl was wearing a particularly pretty dress and, as she sat
down, the minister leaned over and said, 'That is a very pretty dress.
Is it your Easter Dress?'
The little girl replied, directly into the minister's clip-on
microphone, 'Yes, and my Mum says it's a bitch to iron.'

6. When I was six months pregnant with my third child, my three year
old came into the room when I was just getting ready to get into the
shower.
She said, 'Mummy, you are getting fat!'
I replied, 'Yes, honey, remember Mummy has a baby growing in her
tummy.'
'I know,' she replied, but what's growing in your bum?'

7.. A little boy was doing his math homework.
He said to himself, 'Two plus five, that son of a bitch is seven.
Three plus six, that son of a bitch is nine….'
His mother heard what he was saying and gasped, 'What are you doing?'
The little boy answered, 'I'm doing my math homework, Mum.'
'And this is how your teacher taught you to do it?' the mother asked
'Yes,' he answered.
Infuriated, the mother asked the teacher the next day, 'What are you
teaching my son in math?'
The teacher replied, 'Right now, we are learning addition.'
The mother asked, 'And are you teaching them to say two plus two, that
son of a bitch is four?'
After the teacher stopped laughing, she answered, 'What I taught them
was, two plus two, THE SUM OF WHICH, is four.'

8. One day the first grade teacher was reading the story of Chicken
Little to her class. She came to the part of the story where Chicken
Little tried to warn the farmer. She read, '… and so Chicken Little
went up to the farmer and said, 'The sky is falling, the sky is
falling!'
The teacher paused then asked the class, 'And what do you think that
farmer said?'
One little girl raised her hand and said, 'I think he said:
'Holy Shit! A talking chicken!''
The teacher was unable to teach for the next 10 minutes.

9. A certain little girl, when asked her name, would reply, I'm Mr.
Sugarbrown's daughter.'
Her mother told her this was wrong, she must say, 'I'm Jane
Sugarbrown.'
The Vicar spoke to her in Sunday School, and said, 'Aren't you Mr.
Sugarbrown's daughter?'
She replied, 'I thought I was, but mother says I'm not.'

10. A little girl asked her mother, 'Can I go outside and play
with the boys?'
Her mother replied, 'No, you can't play with the boys, they're
too rough.'
The little girl thought about it for a few moments and asked,
If I can find a smooth one, can I play with him?'

11. A little girl goes to the barber shop with her father.
She stands next to the barber chair, while her dad gets his hair cut,
eating a snack cake The barber says to her,
'Sweetheart, you're gonna get hair on your muffin..'
She says, 'Yes, I know, and I'm gonna get boobs too.'

Now keep that smile on your face and pass it on to someone else!!

GRANDMA’S BOYFRIEND

Grandson — Wed, 11 Nov 2009 01:33:29 +0000

Grandma's boyfriend

A 5-year-old boy went to visit his grandmother one day. Playing with his toys in her bedroom while grandma was dusting, he looked up and said, 'Grandma, how come you don't have a boyfriend now that Grandpa went to heaven?'

Grandma replied, 'Honey, my TV is my boyfriend. I can sit in my bedroom and watch it all day long. The religious programs make me feel good and the comedies make me laugh. I'm happy with my TV as my boyfriend.'

Grandma turned on the TV, and the reception was terrible. She started adjusting the knobs, trying to get the picture in focus. Frustrated, she started hitting the backside of the TV hoping to fix the problem.

The little boy heard the doorbell ring, so he hurried to open the door and there stood Grandma's minister. The minister said, 'Hello son, is your Grandma home?'

The little boy replied, 'Yeah, she's in the bedroom bangin' her boyfriend.'

The minister fainted.

Now, that's funny… I don't care WHO you are.

WORRY

Grandson — Tue, 25 Nov 2008 01:04:07 +0000

Subject: WORRY

A friend sent this to me and I thought ya’ll would enjoy it.

WORRY

Is there a magic cutoff period when offspring become accountable for their

own actions? Is there a wonderful moment when parents can become detached

spectators in the lives of their children and shrug, "It’s their life," and

feel nothing?

When I was in my twenties, I stood in a hospital corridor waiting for

doctors to put a few stitches in my son’s head. I asked, "When do you stop

worrying?"

The nurse said, "When they get out of the accident stage." My Mom/Dad just

smiled faintly and said nothing.

When I was in my thirties, I sat on a little chair in a classroom and heard

how one of my children talked incessantly, disrupted the class, and was

headed for a career making license plates. As if to read my mind, a teacher

said, "Don’t worry, they all go through this stage and then you can sit

back, relax and enjoy them." My Mom/Dad just smiled faintly and said

nothing.

When I was in my forties, I spent a lifetime waiting for the phone to ring,

the cars to come home, the front door to open. A friend said, "They’re

trying to find themselves. Don’t worry, in a few years, you can stop

worrying. They’ll be adults." My Mom/Dad just smiled faintly and said

nothing.

By the time I was 50, I was sick & tired of being vulnerable. I was still

worrying over my children, but there was a new wrinkle. There was nothing I

could do about it. My Mom/Dad just smiled faintly and said nothing. I

continued to anguish over their failures, be tormented by their frustrations

and absorbed in their disappointments.

My friends said that when my kids got married I could stop worrying and lead

my own life. I wanted to believe that, but I was haunted by my Mom/Dad’s

warm smile and their occasional, "You look pale. Are you all right? Call me

the minute you get home. Are you depressed about something?"

Can it be that parents are sentenced to a lifetime of worry? Is concern for

one another handed down like a torch to blaze the trail of human frailties

and the fears of the unknown? Is concern a curse or is it a virtue that

elevates us to the highest form of life?

One of my children became quite irritable recently, saying to me, "Where

were you? I’ve been calling for 3 days, and no one answered. I was

worried!"

I smiled a warm smile. The torch has been passed.

PASS IT ON TO OTHER WONDERFUL PARENTS

(And also to your children. That’s the fun part)