E-Mail from Grandma » lawyers

Frozen Crabs and the Blond Stewardess

Grandson — Thu, 18 Jun 2009 03:52:18 +0000

Frozen Crabs and the Blond Stewardess

A lawyer boarded an airplane in New Orleans with a box of frozen crabs and asked a blonde stewardess to take care of them for him.

She took the box and promised to put it in the crew’s refrigerator.

He advised her that he was holding her personally responsible for them staying frozen, mentioning in a very haughty manner that he was a lawyer, and proceeded to rant at her about what would happen if she let them thaw out.

Needless to say, she was annoyed by his behavior.

Shortly before landing in New York, she used the intercom to announce to the entire cabin, "Would the gentleman who gave me the crabs in New Orleans, please raise your hand?"

Not one hand went up … so she took them home and ate them.

Two lessons here:

1. Lawyers aren’t as smart as they think they are.

2. Blonds aren’t as dumb as most folks think.

The IRS and Grandpa

Grandson — Sun, 14 Jun 2009 18:24:20 +0000

Subject: The IRS and Grandpa

The IRS decides to audit Grandpa, and summons him to the
IRS office. The IRS auditor was not surprised when Grandpa

showed up with his attorney.

The auditor said, ‘Well, sir, you have an extravagant
lifestyle and no full-time employment, Which you explain by
saying that you win money gambling. I’m not sure the IRS
finds that believable.’

I’m a great gambler, and I can prove it,’ says
Grandpa. ‘How about a demonstration?’

The auditor thinks for a moment and said, ‘Okay. Go
ahead.’

Grandpa says, ‘I’ll bet you a thousand dollars that
I can bite my own eye.’

The auditor thinks a moment and says, ‘It’s a
bet.’

Grandpa removes his glass eye and bites it. The
auditor’s jaw drops.

Grandpa says, ‘Now, I’ll bet you two thousand
dollars that I can bite my other eye.’

Now the auditor can tell Grandpa isn’t blind, so he
takes the bet.

Grandpa removes his dentures and bites his good eye.

The stunned auditor now realizes he has wagered and lost
three grand, with Grandpa’s attorney as a witness. He
starts to get nervous.

’Want to go double or nothing?’ Grandpa asks
’I'll bet you six thousand dollars that I can stand
on one side of your desk, and pee into that wastebasket on
the other side, and never get a drop anywhere in
between.’

The auditor, twice burned, is cautious now, but he looks
carefully and decides there’s no way this old guy could
possibly manage that stunt, so he agrees again.

Grandpa stands beside the desk and unzips his pants, but
although he strains mightily, he can’t make the stream
reach the wastebasket on the other side, so he pretty much
urinates all over the auditor’s desk.

The auditor leaps with joy, realizing that he has just
turned a major loss into a huge win.

But Grandpa’s own attorney moans and puts his head in
his hands.

’Are you okay?’ the auditor asks.

’Not really,’ says the attorney. ‘This morning,
when Grandpa told me he’d been summoned for an audit, he
bet me twenty-five thousand dollars that he could come in
here and piss all over your desk and that you’d be happy
about it!’

Don’t Mess with Old People!!

FUNNY LAWYERS

Grandson — Sat, 02 Aug 2008 20:51:25 +0000

These are from a book called Disorder in the American Courts, and are things
people actually said in court, word for word , taken down and now published
by court reporters who had the torment of staying calm while these exchanges
were actually taking place.

ATTORNEY: Are you sexually active?
WITNESS: No, I just lie there.
____________________________________________________________________
ATTORNEY: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
WITNESS: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
WITNESS: I forget.
ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you forgot?
_____________________________________
ATTORNEY: What was the first thing your husband said to you that morning?
WITNESS: He said, ‘Where am I, Cathy?’
ATTORNEY: And why did that upset you?
WITNESS: My name is Susan!
______________________ ________________
ATTORNEY: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in voodoo?
WITNESS: We both do.
ATTORNEY: Voodoo?
WITNESS: We do.
ATTORNEY: You do?
WITNESS: Yes, voodoo.
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isn’t it true that when a person dies in his sleep,
he doesn’t know about it until the next morning?
WITNESS: ; Did you actually pass the bar exam?
____________________________________
ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the twenty-year-old, how old is he?
WITNESS: Uh, he’s twenty-one.
________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken?
WITNESS: Are you shittin’ me?
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time?
WITNESS: Uh…. I was gettin’ laid!
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: She had three children, right?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: How many were boys?
WITNESS: None.
ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?
WITNESS : Are you shittin’ me? Your Honor, I think I need a different
attorney. Can I get a new attorney?
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated?
WITNESS: By death.
ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?
WITNESS: Now whose death do you suppose terminated it?
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual?
WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard.
ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female?
WITNESS: Guess.
_____________________________________
ATTORNEY: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition
notice which I sent to your attorney?
WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: Doctor, how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead
people?
WITNESS: All my autopsies are performed on dead people. Would you like
to rephrase that?
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you go to?
WITNESS: Oral.
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 P.M.
ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?
WITNESS: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an
autopsy on him!
____________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
WITNESS: Huh….are you qualified to ask that question?
______________________________________
And the best for last:
_____________________________________
ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a
pulse?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began
the autopsy?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
ATTORNEY: I see, but could the patient have still been alive,
nevertheless?
WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and
practicing law

HA HA HA HA HA HA……..

Grandson — Thu, 24 Jul 2008 05:39:24 +0000

The madam opened the brothel door and saw a rather dignified well-dressed, good-looking man in his late 40s or early 50′s.

‘May I help you?’ she asked.

I want to see Valerie,’ the man replied.

‘Sir, Valerie is one of our most expensive ladies. Perhaps you would prefer someone else,’ said the madam.

‘No. I must see Valerie,’ he replied.

Just then, Valerie appeared and announced to the man that she charged $5,000 a visit. Without hesitation, the man pulled out five thousand dollars and gave it to Valerie, and they went upstairs. After an hour, the man calmly left.

The next night, the same man appeared again, once more demanding to see Valerie. Valerie explained that no one had ever come back two nights in a row — too expensive — and there were no discounts. The price was still $5,000.

Again the man pulled out the money, gave it to Valerie, and they went upstairs. After an hour, he left.

The following night the man was there yet again. Everyone was astounded that he had come for a third consecutive night, but he paid Valerie and they went upstairs.

After their session, Valerie questioned the man. ‘No one has ever been with me three nights in a row. Where are you from?’ she asked.
The man replied ‘Boston‘.

‘Really’ she said. ‘I have family in Boston.’

‘I know,’ the man said. ‘Your father died, and I am your sister’s attorney. She asked me to give you your $15,000 inheritance.’

The moral of the story is that three things in life are certain:

$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$

1. Death

2 Taxes ……. and

3. Being screwed by a lawyer