Archive for the Tag 'men'

Jul 23 2008

Posted by Grandson under Humor

HA HA HA HA HA HA……..

The madam opened the brothel door and saw a rather dignified well-dressed, good-looking man in his late 40s or early 50’s.
 
‘May I help you?’ she asked.
 
I want to see Valerie,’ the man replied.
 
‘Sir, Valerie is one of our most expensive ladies. Perhaps you would prefer someone else,’ said the madam. 
 
‘No. I must see Valerie,’ he replied.
 
Just then, Valerie appeared and announced to the man that she charged $5,000 a visit. Without hesitation, the man pulled out five thousand dollars and gave it to Valerie, and they went upstairs. After an hour, the man calmly left.
 
The next night, the same man appeared again, once more demanding to see Valerie. Valerie explained that no one had ever come back two nights in a row — too expensive — and there were no discounts. The price was still $5,000.
 
Again the man pulled out the money, gave it to Valerie, and they went upstairs. After an hour, he left.
 
The following night the man was there yet again. Everyone was astounded that he had come for a third consecutive night, but he paid Valerie and they went upstairs. 
 
After their session, Valerie questioned the man. ‘No one has ever been with me three nights in a row. Where are you from?’ she asked.
The man replied ‘Boston‘.
 
‘Really’ she said. ‘I have family in Boston.’
 
‘I know,’ the man said. ‘Your father died, and I am your sister’s attorney. She asked me to give you your $15,000 inheritance.’
 
The moral of the story is that three things in life are certain:

$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$
 
1. Death
 
2 Taxes ……. and
 
3. Being screwed by a lawyer

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Jul 19 2008

Posted by Grandson under Humor

MEN

You women will love this….. and you guys are man enough to love it too.

 

 

 

One day my housework-challenged husband decided to wash his s weat- shirt. Seconds after he stepped into the laundry room, he shouted to me, "What setting do I use on the washing machine?"
"It depends," I replied. "What does it say on your shirt?"
He yelled back, " University of Oklahoma "
And they say blondes are dumb…
———————————————————–
A couple is lying in bed. The man says,
"I am going to make you the happiest woman in the world."
The woman replies, "I’ll miss you…"
———————————————————–
"It’s just too hot to wear clothes today," Jack says as he stepped out of the shower, "honey, what do you think the neighbors would think if I mowed the lawn like this?"
"Probably that I married you for your money," she replied.
———————————————————–
Q: What do you call an intelligent, good looking, sensitive man?
A: A rumor
———————————————————–
A man and his wife, now in their 60’s, were celebrating their 40th wedding anniversary. On their special day a good fairy came to them and said that because they had been so good that each one of them could have one wish.
The wife wished for a trip around the world with her husband.
Whoosh! Immediately she had airline/cruise tickets in her hands.
The man wished for a female companion 30 years younger…
Whoosh…immediately he turned ninety!!!
Gotta love that fairy!
———————————————————–
Dear Lord,
I pray for Wisdom to understand my man; Love to forgive him; And Patience for his moods. Because, Lord, if I pray for Strength, I’ll beat him to death.
AMEN
———————————————————–
Q: Why do little boys whine?
A: They are practicing to be men.
———————————————————–
Q: What do you call a handcuffed man?
A: Trustworthy.
———————————————————–
Q: What does it mean when a man is in your bed gasping for breath and calling your name?
A: You did not hold the pillow down long enough
———————————————————–
Q: Why do men whistle when they are sitting on the toilet?
A: It helps them remember which end they need to wipe.
———————————————————–
Q: How do you keep your husband from reading your e-mail?
A: Rename the mail folder "Instruction Manuals"
———————————————————–
Send this to at least five bright, funny women you know and make their day!


 
And send this to five bright men who have enough sense of humor to take it!

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Jul 15 2008

Posted by Grandson under Humor

CIA JOB INTERVIEW….

CIA Job Interview

The CIA had an opening for an assassin...

After all the background checks, interviews and testing were done, there
were 3 finalists; two men and a woman.

For the final test, the CIA agents took one of the men to a large metal
door and handed him a gun.
'We must know that you will follow your instructions no matter what the
circumstances.  Inside the room you will find your wife sitting in a
chair...  kill  her!!

The man said, 'You can't be serious.  I could never shoot my wife.'

The agent said, 'Then you're not the right man for this job.  Take your
wife and go home.'

The second man was given the same instructions.
He took the gun and went into the room.  All was quiet for about 5
minutes.  The man came out with tears in his eyes.
'I tried, but I
 can't kill my wife.'
The agent said, 'You don' have what it takes.  Take your wife
home.'

Then it was the woman's turn...
She was given the same instructions, to kill her husband.  She took the
gun and went into the room.  Shots were heard, one after another.  They
heard screaming, crashing, banging on the walls.  After a few minutes,
all was quiet.  The door opened slowly and there stood the woman, wiping
the sweat from her brow.

'This gun is loaded with blanks,' she said.  'I had to beat him to
death
with the chair.'

                        MORAL:
                        Women are crazy.
                        Don't mess with them. 

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Jul 09 2008

Posted by Grandson under Humor

MY PRIVATE PARTS DIED

An old man, Mr. Wallace, was living in a nursing home.

One day he appeared to be very sad and depressed.

Nurse Tracy asked him if there was anything wrong,

‘Yes, Nurse Tracy,’ said Mr. Wallace.

‘My Private Part died today, and I am very sad.’

Knowing her patients were a little forgetful and sometimes a little crazy, she replied, ‘Oh, I’m so sorry, Mr. Wallace. Please accept my condolences.’

The following day, Mr. Wallace was walking down the hall with his Private Part hanging out of his pajamas.

He met Nurse Tracy. ‘Mr. Wallace,’ she said, ‘You shouldn’t be walking down the hall like that.

Please put your Private Part back inside your pajamas.’

‘But, Nurse Tracy I can’t,’ replied Mr. Wallace. ‘I told you yesterday that my Private Part died.

‘Yes,’ said Nurse Tracy, ‘you did tell me that, but why is it hanging out of your pajamas?’

(You’ve gotta love this ….)

‘Well,’ he replied, ‘Today is the viewing.’

IF YOU ARE NOT LAUGHING SOMETHING IS WRONG WITH YOU

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