E-Mail from Grandma

A man had two of the best tickets for the Super Bowl.  He sits down and
soon another man comes along and asks if anyone is sitting in the seat
next to him.

"Oh… Gees ..I'm sorry to hear that. That's terrible.  I guess you
couldn't find someone else, a friend or relative or even a neighbor to
take the seat?"

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A woman was sitting at a bar enjoying an after work
   cocktail with her girlfriends when Steven, a tall,
   exceptionally handsome, extremely sexy, middle-aged man
   entered. He was so striking that the woman could not
   take her eyes off him.
 
  
   The young-at-heart man noticed her overly attentive
   stare and walked directly toward her. (As all men will)
   Before she could offer her apologies for staring so
   rudely, he leaned over and whispered to her, 'I'll do
   anything, absolutely anything, that you want me to do,
   no matter how kinky, for $20.00.
  
   On one condition
  
   Flabbergasted, the woman asked what the condition
   was.
   The man replied, 'You have to tell me what you want me
   to do in just three words.'
 
  
   The woman considered his proposition for a moment,
   and
   then slowly removed a $20 bill from her purse, which
   she
   pressed into the man's hand along with her address. She
   looked deeply into his eyes, and slowly and
   meaningfully
   said…
 
  
 
   'Clean my house.'

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NINE WORDS WOMEN USE  

(1)  Fine: This is the word women use to end an argument when they are right and you need to shut up. 
  
(2) Five Minutes: If she is getting dressed, this means a half an hour. Five minutes is only five minutes if you have just been given five more minutes to watch the game before helping around the house. 
  
(3) Nothing: This is the calm before the storm. This means something, and you should be on your toes. Arguments that begin with nothing usually end in fine. 
(4) Go Ahead: This is a dare, not permission. Don't Do It! 
  
(5) Loud Sigh: This is actually a word, but is a non-verbal statement often misunderstood by men. A loud sigh means she thinks you are an idiot and wonders why she is wasting her time standing here and arguing with you about nothing. (Refer back to # 3 for the meaning of nothing.) 
  
(6) That's Okay: This is one of the most dangerous statements a women can make to a man. That's okay means she wants to think long and hard before deciding how and when you will pay for your mistake. 
  
(7) Thanks: A woman is thanking you, do not question, or faint. Just say you're welcome. (I want to add in a clause here – This is true, unless she says 'Thanks a lot' – that is PURE sarcasm and she is not thanking you at all. DO NOT say 'you're welcome' . That will bring on a 'whatever'). 
  
(8) Whatever: Is a woman's way of saying F– YOU! 
  
(9) Don't worry about it, I got it: Another dangerous statement, meaning this is something that a woman has told a man to do several times, but is now doing it herself. This will later result in a man asking 'What's wrong?' For the woman's response refer to # 3. 
  
* Send this to the men you know, to warn them about arguments they can avoid if they remember the terminology. 
  
* Send this to all the women you know to give them a good laugh, cause they know it's true!!!

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Two Ladies in Heaven….

1st woman:  Hi!  My name is Sherry.            

2nd woman:  Hi!   I'm Sylvia.   How'd you die?

1st woman:  I froze to death.

 2nd woman:  How horrible!

 1st woman:  It wasn't so bad.   After I quit shaking from the cold,  I began to get warm &  sleepy,  & finally died a peaceful death.   What about you?

 2nd woman:  I died of a massive heart attack.   I suspected that my husband was cheating, so I came home early to catch him in the act.   But instead, I found him all by himself in the den watching TV.

 1st woman:  So, what happened?

 2nd woman:  I was so sure there was another woman there somewhere that I started running all over the house looking.   I ran up into the attic & searched, then down into the basement.   Then, I went through every closet and checked under all the beds.   I kept this up until I had looked everywhere, and finally, I became so exhausted that I just keeled over with a heart attack and died.

 1st woman:  Too bad you didn't look in the freezer — We'd both still be alive!

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