Archive for the Tag 'men'

Jan 30 2010

Posted by under Humor

NINE WORDS WOMEN USE

NINE WORDS WOMEN USE  


(1)  Fine: This is the word women use to end an argument when they are right and you need to shut up. 
  
(2) Five Minutes: If she is getting dressed, this means a half an hour. Five minutes is only five minutes if you have just been given five more minutes to watch the game before helping around the house. 
  
(3) Nothing: This is the calm before the storm. This means something, and you should be on your toes. Arguments that begin with nothing usually end in fine. 
(4) Go Ahead: This is a dare, not permission. Don't Do It! 
  
(5) Loud Sigh: This is actually a word, but is a non-verbal statement often misunderstood by men. A loud sigh means she thinks you are an idiot and wonders why she is wasting her time standing here and arguing with you about nothing. (Refer back to # 3 for the meaning of nothing.) 
  
(6) That's Okay: This is one of the most dangerous statements a women can make to a man. That's okay means she wants to think long and hard before deciding how and when you will pay for your mistake. 
  
(7) Thanks: A woman is thanking you, do not question, or faint. Just say you're welcome. (I want to add in a clause here – This is true, unless she says 'Thanks a lot' – that is PURE sarcasm and she is not thanking you at all. DO NOT say 'you're welcome' . That will bring on a 'whatever'). 
  
(8) Whatever: Is a woman's way of saying F– YOU! 
  
(9) Don't worry about it, I got it: Another dangerous statement, meaning this is something that a woman has told a man to do several times, but is now doing it herself. This will later result in a man asking 'What's wrong?' For the woman's response refer to # 3. 
  
* Send this to the men you know, to warn them about arguments they can avoid if they remember the terminology. 
  
* Send this to all the women you know to give them a good laugh, cause they know it's true!!!

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Jan 14 2010

Posted by under Humor

Two Ladies in Heaven…

Two Ladies in Heaven….

                 

1st woman:  Hi!  My name is Sherry.            

2nd woman:  Hi!   I'm Sylvia.   How'd you die?

1st woman:  I froze to death.

 2nd woman:  How horrible!

 1st woman:  It wasn't so bad.   After I quit shaking from the cold,  I began to get warm &  sleepy,  & finally died a peaceful death.   What about you?

 2nd woman:  I died of a massive heart attack.   I suspected that my husband was cheating, so I came home early to catch him in the act.   But instead, I found him all by himself in the den watching TV.

 1st woman:  So, what happened?

 2nd woman:  I was so sure there was another woman there somewhere that I started running all over the house looking.   I ran up into the attic & searched, then down into the basement.   Then, I went through every closet and checked under all the beds.   I kept this up until I had looked everywhere, and finally, I became so exhausted that I just keeled over with a heart attack and died.

 1st woman:  Too bad you didn't look in the freezer — We'd both still be alive!

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Nov 07 2009

Posted by under Humor

How Fights Start

How Fights Start……. 
 
 
One year, a husband decided to buy his mother-in-law a cemetery plot
as a Christmas gift..
The next year, he didn't buy her a gift.
When she asked him why, he replied, "Well, you still haven't used the
gift I bought you last year!"
And that's how the fight started…..


================


I asked my wife, 'Where do you want to go for our anniversary?'
It warmed my heart to see her face melt in sweet appreciation.
'Somewhere I haven't been in a long time!' she said.
So I suggested, 'How about the kitchen?'
And that's when the fight started…..
 
================
 
 
My wife and I are watching Who Wants To Be A Millionaire while we were
in bed. I turned to her and said, 'Do you want to have sex?'
'No,' she answered.
I then said, 'Is that your final answer?'
She didn't even look at me this time, simply saying 'Yes.'
So I said, 'Then I'd like to phone a friend.'
And that's when the fight started….
 
================

I tried to talk my wife into buying a case of Miller Light for $14.95.
Instead, she bought a jar of cold cream for $7.95. I told her the beer
would make her look better at night than the cold cream.
And that's when the fight started……
 

================

I took my wife to a restaurant. The waiter, for some reason, took my order first..
'I'll have the strip steak, medium rare, please.'
He said, 'Aren't you worried about the mad cow?'
'Nah, she can order for herself.'
And that's when the fight started……
================
 
 
My wife sat down on the couch next to me as I was flipping
the channels.
She asked, 'What's on TV?'
I said, 'Dust.'
And then the fight started…

================

My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming
anniversary.
She said, 'I want something shiny that goes from 0 to
200 in about 3 seconds.'
I bought her a scale.
And then the fight started…

================

My wife and I were sitting at a table at her high school
reunion, and she kept staring at a drunken man swigging his drink as 
he sat alone at a nearby table.
I asked her, 'Do you know him?'

'Yes,' she sighed, ' He's my old boyfriend…
I understand he took to drinking right after we split up those many years ago, and
I hear he hasn't been sober since.'
'My God!' I said, 'who would think a
person could go on celebrating that long?'

And then the fight started…

================

I rear-ended a car this morning.. So, there we were
alongside the road and slowly the other driver got out of his car. You know
how sometimes you just get soooo stressed and little things just seem
funny?
Yeah, well I couldn't believe it… he was a DWARF!!!
He stormed over to my car, looked up at me, and shouted,
'I AM NOT HAPPY!'
So, I looked down at him and said, 'Well, then which one are you?'
And then the fight started…

================

SAVE THE BEST FOR LAST…..

THE BROKEN LAWN MOWER

When our lawn mower broke and wouldn't run, my wife
kept hinting to me that I should get it fixed.
But, somehow I always had something else to take care of
first, the truck, the car, playing golf,
Always something more important to me.

Finally she thought of a clever way to make her point. When
I arrived home one day, I found her seated in the tall grass, 
busily snipping away with a tiny pair of sewing scissors.
I watched silently for a short time and then went into the
house. I was gone only a minute, and when I came out again I handed
her a toothbrush. I said, 'When you finish cutting the grass,
you might as well sweep the driveway.'

The doctors say I will walk again, but I will always have a limp.

 

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Oct 24 2009

Posted by under Humor

How to Stop Church Gossip

How to Stop Church Gossip

church

Mildred, the church gossip, and self-appointed monitor of the church's morals, kept sticking her nose into other people's business.. Several members did not approve of her extracurricular activities, but feared her enough to maintain their silence.

She made a mistake, however, when she accused Frank, a new member, of being an alcoholic after she saw his old pickup parked in front of the town's
only bar one after noon.

bar

She emphatically told Frank (and several others) that every one seeing it there would know what he was doing !

Frank, a man of few words, stared at her for a moment and just turned and walked away. He didn't explain, defend, or deny. He said nothing..

house
Later that evening, Frank quietly parked his pickup
in front of Mildred's house ….. walked home … . .and left it there all night!!!

  

(You gotta love Frank!)

 

GOD BLESS AMERICA
 
 
FREEDOM ISN'T FREE…SOMEONE HAD TO PAY FOR IT
 
 
If you can read this…thank a teacher.
 
 
If you can read this in English…thank a veteran.

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