Archive for the Tag 'money'

Jun 22 2009

Posted by Grandson under Humor, pictures

Man with an ostrich

A man  walks into a restaurant with a full-grown ostrich behind him. The

waitress asks  them for their orders.

The man says, "A hamburger, fries and a coke," and turns to the ostrich,

"What’s yours?"

"I’ll have the same," says the ostrich.

A short time later the waitress returns with the order "That will be $9.40

please," and the man reaches into his pocket and pulls out the exact change

for payment.

The next day, the man and the ostrich come again and the man says, "A

hamburger, fries and a coke.

The  ostrich  says, "I’ll have the same."

Again the man reaches into his pocket and pays with exact change.

This becomes routine until the two enter again. "The usual?" asks the waitress.

"No, this is  Friday night, so I will have a steak, baked potato and a salad,"

says  the man.

"Same," says   the ostrich.

Shortly the waitress brings the order and says, "That will be   $32.62."

Once again the man pulls the exact change out of his pocket and places

it on the table.

The waitress  cannot hold back her curiosity any longer. "Excuse me,   sir.

How  do you  manage to always come up with the exact change in your

pocket every  time?"

"Well," says   the man, "several years ago I was cleaning the attic and

found  an  old lamp. When I rubbed it, a Genie appeared and offered me

two   wishes.

My  first  wish was that if I ever had to pay for anything, I would  just

put my hand in my pocket and the right amount of money would always be  there."

"That’s   brilliant!" says the waitress. "Most  people would ask for a  million

dollars or something, but you’ll  always be as rich as you want  for as long

as you live!"

"That’s right. Whether  it’s a gallon of milk or a Rolls Royce, the exact

money is  always there," says the man.

The waitress asks, "What’s with the ostrich?"

The man sighs, pauses and answers, "My second wish was for a tall chick

with a big butt and long legs who agrees with everything I say."

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May 24 2009

Posted by Grandson under Humor

The Last Nickel

The Last Nickel

Picture (Metafile)

A father walks into a restaurant with his young son.
He gives the young boy 3 nickels to play with to keep him occupied.

Suddenly, the boy starts choking, going blue in the face.
The father realizes the boy has swallowed the nickels and starts slapping him on the back.

 

The boy coughs up 2 of the nickels, but keeps choking.
Looking at his son, the father is panicking, shouting for help.

A well dressed, attractive, and serious looking woman, in a blue business suit is sitting at a coffee bar reading a
newspaper and sipping a cup of coffee. At the sound of the commotion, she looks up, puts her coffee cup down, neatly folds the newspaper and places it on the counter, gets up from her seat and makes her way, unhurried, across the restaurant.

 

Reaching the boy, the woman carefully drops his pants;
takes hold of the boy’s testicles and starts to squeeze and twist, gently at first and then ever so firmly.

After a few seconds the boy convulses violently and coughs up the last nickel,

which the woman deftly catches in her free hand.

 

Releasing the boy’s testicles, the woman hands the
nickel to the father and walks back to her seat at the coffee bar without saying a word.

As soon as he is sure that his son has suffered no ill
effects, the father rushes over to the woman and starts thanking her
saying, "I’ve never seen anybody do anything like that before, it was
fantastic. Are you a doctor? "

‘No,’ the woman replied. I’m with the I.R.S..’

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Mar 20 2009

Posted by Grandson under Humor

Taxes

A little boy wanted $100.00 very badly and prayed for weeks, but nothing happened .


 

Then 
he decided to write God a letter requesting the $100.00.


 


 

When


 


 

The postal authorities received the letter to  God  ,  USA  , 
they decided to send it to the President.

 


 


 

The president was so amused that he instructed his secretary to send the little boy a $ 5.00 bill.

 


 


 

The president thought this would appear to be a lot of money

 

to a little boy.

 


 


 

The little boy was delighted with the $5.00 bill and sat down to write a thank-you 
note to God, which read:

 


 


 

Dear God: Thank you very much for sending the money. However, I noticed that for 
some reason you sent it through

 

Washington   D.C. and those assholes took $95.00 in taxes.

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May 04 2008

Posted by Grandson under Uncategorized

Fifty dollars is fifty dollars



 

Morris and his wife Esther went to the state fair every year and every year Morris would say, "Esther, I’d like to ride in that helicopter."

Esther always replied, "I know Morris, but that helicopter ride is fifty dollars and fifty dollars is fifty dollars"

One year Esther and Morris went to the fair and Morris said, "Esther, I’m 85 years old.  If I don’t ride that helicopter, I might never get another chance."

To this, Esther replied, "Morris that helicopter ride is fifty dollars, and fifty dollars is fifty dollars."

The pilot overheard the couple and said, "Folks I’ll make you a deal. I’ll take the both of you for a ride. If you can stay quiet for the entire ride and not say a word, I won’t charge you! But if you say one word, it’s fifty dollars."

Morris and Esther agreed and up they went. The pilot did all kinds of fancy maneuvers, but not a word was heard. He did his daredevil tricks over and over again, but still not a word.

When they landed, the pilot turned to Morris and said, "By golly, I did everything I could to get you to yell out, but you didn’t. I’m impressed!"

Morris replied, "Well, to tell you the truth, I almost said something when Esther fell out, but you know, fifty dollars is fifty dollars!"

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