E-Mail from Grandma » money

Ol’ Blue

Grandson — Mon, 06 Sep 2010 16:20:02 +0000

A young cowboy from Wyoming goes off to college. Half way through the semester, he has foolishly squandered all his money. He calls home.

"Dad," he says, "You won't believe what modern education is developing! They actually have a program here in Laramie that will teach our dog, Ol' Blue how to talk!"

"That's amazing," his Dad says. "How do I get Ol' Blue in that program?"

"Just send him down here with $1,000" the young cowboy says. "I'll get him in the course."

So, his father sends the dog and $1,000.

About two-thirds of the way through the semester, the money again runs out. The boy calls home.

"So how's Ol' Blue doing son?" his father asks.

"Awesome, Dad, he's talking up a storm," he says, "but you just won't believe this – they've had such good results they have started to teach the animals how to read!"

"Read!?" says his father, "No kidding! How do we get Blue in that program?"

"Just send $2,500, I'll get him in the class."

The money promptly arrives. But our hero has a problem. At the end of the year, his father will find out the dog can neither talk, nor read. So he shoots the dog.

When he arrives home at the end of the year, his father is all excited. "Where's Ol' Blue? I just can't wait to see him read something and talk!"

"Dad," the boy says, "I have some grim news. Yesterday morning, just before we left to drive home, Ol' Blue was in the living room, kicked back in the recliner, reading the Wall Street Journal, like he usually does. Then he turned to me and asked, "So, is your daddy still messing around with that little redhead who lives down the street?"

The father exclaimed, "I hope you shot that sucker before he talks to your Mother!"

"I sure did, Dad!"

"That's my boy!"

The kid went on to law school, and now serves in Washington D.C. As a Congressman.

Man with an ostrich

Grandson — Tue, 23 Jun 2009 01:25:08 +0000

A man walks into a restaurant with a full-grown ostrich behind him. The

waitress asks them for their orders.

The man says, "A hamburger, fries and a coke," and turns to the ostrich,

"What’s yours?"

"I’ll have the same," says the ostrich.

A short time later the waitress returns with the order "That will be $9.40

please," and the man reaches into his pocket and pulls out the exact change

for payment.

The next day, the man and the ostrich come again and the man says, "A

hamburger, fries and a coke.

The ostrich says, "I’ll have the same."

Again the man reaches into his pocket and pays with exact change.

This becomes routine until the two enter again. "The usual?" asks the waitress.

"No, this is Friday night, so I will have a steak, baked potato and a salad,"

says the man.

"Same," says the ostrich.

Shortly the waitress brings the order and says, "That will be $32.62."

Once again the man pulls the exact change out of his pocket and places

it on the table.

The waitress cannot hold back her curiosity any longer. "Excuse me, sir.

How do you manage to always come up with the exact change in your

pocket every time?"

"Well," says the man, "several years ago I was cleaning the attic and

found an old lamp. When I rubbed it, a Genie appeared and offered me

two wishes.

My first wish was that if I ever had to pay for anything, I would just

put my hand in my pocket and the right amount of money would always be there."

"That’s brilliant!" says the waitress. "Most people would ask for a million

dollars or something, but you’ll always be as rich as you want for as long

as you live!"

"That’s right. Whether it’s a gallon of milk or a Rolls Royce, the exact

money is always there," says the man.

The waitress asks, "What’s with the ostrich?"

The man sighs, pauses and answers, "My second wish was for a tall chick

with a big butt and long legs who agrees with everything I say."

The Last Nickel

Grandson — Sun, 24 May 2009 19:45:40 +0000

The Last Nickel

A father walks into a restaurant with his young son.
He gives the young boy 3 nickels to play with to keep him occupied.

Suddenly, the boy starts choking, going blue in the face.
The father realizes the boy has swallowed the nickels and starts slapping him on the back.

The boy coughs up 2 of the nickels, but keeps choking.
Looking at his son, the father is panicking, shouting for help.

A well dressed, attractive, and serious looking woman, in a blue business suit is sitting at a coffee bar reading a
newspaper and sipping a cup of coffee. At the sound of the commotion, she looks up, puts her coffee cup down, neatly folds the newspaper and places it on the counter, gets up from her seat and makes her way, unhurried, across the restaurant.

Reaching the boy, the woman carefully drops his pants;
takes hold of the boy’s testicles and starts to squeeze and twist, gently at first and then ever so firmly.

After a few seconds the boy convulses violently and coughs up the last nickel,

which the woman deftly catches in her free hand.

Releasing the boy’s testicles, the woman hands the
nickel to the father and walks back to her seat at the coffee bar without saying a word.

As soon as he is sure that his son has suffered no ill
effects, the father rushes over to the woman and starts thanking her
saying, "I’ve never seen anybody do anything like that before, it was
fantastic. Are you a doctor? "

‘No,’ the woman replied. I’m with the I.R.S..’

Taxes

Grandson — Fri, 20 Mar 2009 05:05:30 +0000

A little boy wanted $100.00 very badly and prayed for weeks, but nothing happened .

Then
he decided to write God a letter requesting the $100.00.

When

The postal authorities received the letter to God , USA ,
they decided to send it to the President.

The president was so amused that he instructed his secretary to send the little boy a $ 5.00 bill.

The president thought this would appear to be a lot of money

to a little boy.

The little boy was delighted with the $5.00 bill and sat down to write a thank-you
note to God, which read:

Dear God: Thank you very much for sending the money. However, I noticed that for
some reason you sent it through

Washington D.C. and those assholes took $95.00 in taxes.