Archive for the Tag 'one liners'

Sep 02 2009

Posted by under Humor

How the World Works Today

How the world works lately… 

If a man cuts his finger off while slicing salami at work, 
he
 blames the restaurant. 

If you smoke three packs a day 
For
 40 years and die of lung cancer, 
your family blames the tobacco company.

If your neighbor crashes into a tree while driving home drunk, they blame the bartender.
 

If your grandchildren are brats with no manners, you blame TV.

If your friend is shot by a 
deranged madman, You blame the gun manufacturer. 

And if a crazed person breaks into the cockpit and tries to kill the pilot at 35,000 feet, and the passengers kill him instead, the mother of the crazed deceased blames the airline. 

I must have lived too long to 
understand
 the world as it is anymore. 

So, if I die while my OLD WRINKLED ASS is parked in front of this computer,
I want all of you to
  blame Bill Gates


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Jan 25 2009

Posted by under Humor

Great Signs

 

Friends don’t let friends
take home ugly men
 
Women’s restroom
Starboard, Dewey Beach , DE


 
 
 

Beauty is only a light switch away. 
Perkins Library, Duke University , Durham , NC


 
 
 

If life is a waste of time,
and time is a waste of life,
then let’s all get wasted together 
and have the time of our lives.

Armand’s Pizza, Washington , DC


 
 
 

Fighting for peace is like
screwing for virginity. 

The Bayou, Baton Rouge , LA


 
 
 

No matter how good she looks,
some other guy is sick and tired
of putting up with her shit.

Men’s Room
Linda ‘s Bar and Grill, Chapel Hill , NC


 
 
 

At the feast of ego
everyone leaves hungry. 

Bentley ‘s House of Coffee and Tea, Tucson , AZ


 
 
 

It’s hard to make a comeback
when you haven’t been anywhere. 

Written in the dust on the back of a bus,
Wickenburg , AZ


 
 
 

Make love, not war.
-Hell, do both
GET MARRIED!
 
Women’s restroom
The Filling Station, Bozeman , MT


 
 
 

If voting could really change things,
it would be illegal.
 
Revolution Books
New York , New York


 
 
 

If pro is opposite of con,then what is the opposite of progress? 
Congress!

Men’s restroom House of Representatives, 
Washington , DC


 
 
 

Express Lane :
Five beers or less
 
Sign over one of the urinals
Ed Debevic ‘s, Phoenix , AZ


 
 
 

You’re too good for him. 
Sign over mirror in Women’s restroom
Ed Debevic ‘s, Beverly Hill s , CA

 
 

No wonder you always go home alone. 
Sign over mirror in Men’s restroom,
Ed Debevic ‘s, Beverly Hill s , CA

  

~~~ and perhaps the most realistic one ~~~


 

 

A Woman’s Rule of Thumb:
If it has tires or testicles,
you’re going to have trouble with it 

Women’s restroom
Dick ‘s Last Resort, Dallas , TX


 

 

 

 

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Jan 23 2009

Posted by under Humor

JUST FOR FUN

1. The roundest knight at King Arthur’s round table was Sir Cumference. He acquired his size from too much pi.

2. I thought I saw an eye doctor on an Alaskan island, but it turned out to be an optical Aleutian.

3. She was only a whisky maker, but he loved her still.

4. A rubber band pistol was confiscated from algebra class because it was a weapon of math disruption.

5. No matter how much you push the envelope, it’ll still be stationery.

6. A dog gave birth to puppies near the road and was cited for littering.

7. Two silk worms had a race. They ended up in a tie.

8. A hole has been found in the nudist camp wall. The police are looking into it.

9. Atheism is a non-prophet organization.

10. Two hats were hanging on a hat rack in the hallway. One hat said to the other, ‘You stay here, I’ll go on a-head.’

11. I wondered why the baseball kept getting bigger. Then it hit me.

12. A sign on the lawn at a drug rehab center said: ‘Keep off the Grass.’

13. A small boy swallowed some coins and was taken to a hospital. When his grandmother ‘phoned to ask how he was, a nurse said, ‘No change yet.’

14. The man who survived mustard gas and pepper spray is now a seasoned veteran.

15. When cannibals ate a missionary, they got a taste of religion.

16. Don’t join dangerous cults; practice safe sects.

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Jul 13 2008

Posted by under Uncategorized

Thoughts For Today…

Thoughts For Today.

Birds of a feather flock together and crap on your car.
 
When I’m feeling down, I like to whistle. It makes the neighbor’s dog run to the end of his chain and gag himself.
 
A penny saved is a government oversight.
 
The real art of conversation is not only to say the right thing at the right time, but also to leave unsaid the wrong thing at the tempting moment.
 
The older you get, the tougher it is to lose weight, because by then your body and your fat have gotten to be really good friends.
 
The easiest way to find something lost around the house is to buy a replacement.
 
He who hesitates is probably right.
 
Did you ever notice: The Roman Numerals for forty (40) are ‘ XL.’
 
If you think there is good in everybody, you haven’t met everybody.
 
If you can smile when things go wrong, you have someone in mind to blame.
 
The sole purpose of a child’s middle name is so he can tell when he’s really in trouble.
 
There’s always a lot to be thankful for if you take time to look for it. For example I am sitting here thinking how nice it is that wrinkles don’t hurt .
 
Did you ever notice: When you put the 2 words ‘The’ and ‘IRS’ together it spells ‘Theirs?’
 
Aging: Eventually you will reach a point when you stop lying about your age and start bragging about it.
 
The older we get, the fewer things seem worth waiting in line for.
 
Some people try to turn back their odometers.  Not me, I want people to know ‘why’ I look this way.  I’ve traveled a long way and some of the  roads weren’t paved.
 
When you are dissatisfied and would like to go back to youth, think of Algebra.
 
You know you are getting old when everything either dries up or leaks.
 
One of the many things no one tells you about aging is that it is such a nice change from being young.
 
Ah, being young is beautiful, but being old is comfortable.
 
First you forget names, then you forget faces.  Then you forget to pull up your zipper.  It’s worse when you forget to pull it down.
 
Long ago when men cursed and beat the ground with sticks, it was called witchcraft.  Today, it’s called golf
.
 
Lord, Keep your arm around my shoulder and your hand over my mouth…AMEN

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