Archive for the Tag 'one liners'

May 29 2008

Posted by under Humor,politics

New answers on the chicken crossing the road!

WHY DID THE CHICKEN CROSS THE ROAD?

BARACK OBAMA:
The chicken crossed the road because it was time for a CHANGE! The chicken wanted CHANGE!

JOHN MC CAIN:
My friends that chicken crossed the road because he recognized the need to engage in cooperation and
dialogue with all the chickens on the other side of the road.

HILLARY CLINTON:
When I was First Lady, I personally helped that little chicken to cross the road. This experience makes me
uniquely qualified to ensure right from Day One! — that every chicken in this country gets the chance it
deserves to cross the road.  But then, this really isn’t about me…….

GEORGE W. BUSH:
We don’t really care why the chicken crossed the road. We just want to know if the chicken is on our side of
the road, or not. The chicken is either against us, or for us. There is no middle ground here.

COLIN POWELL:
Now to the left of the screen, you can clearly see the satellite image of the chicken crossing the road…

ANDERSON COOPER – CNN:
We have reason to believe there is a chicken, but we have not yet been allowed to have access to the other
side of the road.

JOHN KERRY:
Although I voted to let the chicken cross the road, I am now against it! It was the wrong road to cross, and
I was misled about the chicken’s intentions. I am not for it now, and will remain against it.

NANCY GRACE:
That chicken crossed the road because he’s GUILTY! You can see it in his eyes and the way he walks.

PAT BUCHANAN:
To steal the job of a decent, hardworking American.

MARTHA STEWART:
No one called me to warn me which way that chicken was going. I had a standing order at the Farmer’s Market
to sell my eggs when the price dropped to a certain level. No little bird gave me any insider information.

JERRY FALWELL:
Because the chicken was gay! Can’t you people see the plain truth?’ That’s why they call it the ‘other side.’ Yes,
my friends, that chicken is gay. And if you eat that chicken, you will become gay too. I say we boycott all chickens
until we sort out this abomination that the liberal media white washes with seemingly harmless phrases like ‘the other
side. That chicken should not be crossing the road. It’s as plain and as simple as that.

GRANDPA:
In my day we didn’t ask why the chicken crossed the road. Somebody told us the chicken crossed the road,
and that was good enough.

BARBARA WALTERS:  Isn’t that interesting? In a few moments, we will be listening to the chicken tell,
for the first time, the heart warming story of how it experienced a serious case of molting, and went on to accomplish
its life long dream of crossing the road.

ARISTOTLE:
It is the nature of chickens to cross the road.

ALBERT EINSTEIN:
Did the chicken really cross the road, or did the road move beneath the chicken?

BILL CLINTON:
I did not cross the road with THAT chicken. What is your definition of chicken?

DICK CHENEY:
Where’s my gun?

AL SHARPTON:
Why are all the chickens white? We need some black chickens.

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May 08 2008

Posted by under Humor,Reality

52 years ago!

Comments made in the year 1955:

"I’ll tell you one thing, if things keep going the way they are, it’s
going to be impossible to buy a week’s groceries for $20."

"Have you seen the new cars coming out next year? It won’t be long before
$2000 will only buy a used one."

"If cigarettes keep going up in price, I’m going to quit. A quarter a
pack is ridiculous."

"Did you hear the post office is thinking about charging a dime just to
mail a letter?"

"If they raise the minimum wage to $1, nobody will be able to hire
outside help at the store."

"When I first started driving, who would have thought gas would someday
cost 29 cents a gallon. Guess we’d be better off leaving the car in the
garage"

"Kids today are impossible. Those duck tail hair cuts make it impossible
to stay groomed. Next thing you know, boys will be wearing their hair as
long as the girls."

"I’m afraid to send my kids to the movies any more. Ever since they let
Clark Gable get by with saying ‘damn’ in ‘Gone With The Wind,’ it seems
every new movie has either "hell" or "damn" in it.

"I read the other day where some scientist thinks it’s possible to put a
man on the moon by the end of the century They even have some fellows
they call astronauts preparing for it down in Texas."

"Did you see where some baseball player just signed a contract for
$75,000 a year just to play ball? It wouldn’t surprise me if someday
they’ll be making more than the president."

"I never thought I’d see the day all our kitchen appliances would be
electric. They are even making electric typewriters now."

"It’s too bad things are so tough nowadays.
I see where a few married women are having to work to make ends meet."

"It won’t be long before young couples are going to have to hire someone
to watch their kids so they can both work."

"Marriage doesn’t mean a thing any more; those Hollywoodstars seem to be
getting divorced at the drop of a hat."

"I’m just afraid the Volkswagen car is going to open the door to a whole
lot of foreign business."

"Thank goodness I won’t live to see the day when the Government takes
half our income in taxes.. I sometimes wonder if we are electing the best
people to government."

"The drive-in restaurant is convenient in nice weather, but I seriously
doubt they will ever catch on."

"There is no sense going to Lincoln or Omahaanymore for a weekend. It
costs nearly $15 a night to stay in a hotel."

"No one can afford to be sick any more; $35 a day in the hospital is too
rich for my blood."

"If they think I’ll pay 50 cents for a hair cut, forget it."

Know friends who would get a kick out of these? Pass it on!

1 Comment »

Apr 26 2008

Posted by under Humor

Blonde logic.

Blonde LOGIC.
 
 Two blondes living in Townsville Queensland were sitting on a bench talking……
  And one blonde says to the other, "Which do
 you think is farther away………. Melbourne or the moon?"
 
 The other blonde turns and says "Helloooooooooo, can
 You see Melbourne …?????"
 
 
 CAR TROUBLE
A blonde pushes her BMW into a gas station. She tells the
 mechanic it died.
 
 After he works on it for a few minutes, it is idling smoothly. She
 says, "What’s the story?"
 
 He replies, "Just crap in the carburetor"
 
 She asks, "How often do I have to do that?"
 
 
 SPEEDING TICKET

 
A police officer stops a blonde for speeding and asks her very
 nicely if he could see her license.
 
 She replied in a huff, "I wish you guys would get your act
 together. Just yesterday you take away my license and then
 today you expect me to show it to you!"
 
 
 RIVER WALK

 
There’s this blonde out for a walk. She comes to a river and sees
 another blonde on the opposite bank. "Yoo-hoo!" she shouts,
 "How can I get to the other side?"
 
 The second blonde looks up the river then down the river and
 shouts back, "You ARE on the other side."
 
 
 
 AT THE DOCTOR’S OFFICE

 
A gorgeous young redhead goes into the doctor’s office and said
 that her body hurt wherever she touched it.
 
 "Impossible!" says the doctor. "Show me."
 
 The redhead took her finger, pushed on her left breast and
 screamed, then she pushed her elbow and screamed even
 more. So she pushed her knee and screamed; likewise she
 pushed her ankle and screamed. Everywhere she touched
 made her scream.
 
 The doctor said, "You’re not really a redhead, are you?
 
 "Well, no" she said, "I’m actually a blonde."
 
 "I thought so," the doctor said. "Your finger is broken !"
 
 
 
 BLONDE ON THE SUN

 
A Russian, an American, and a Blonde were talking one day. The
 Russian said, "We were the first in space!" The American said, "We were
 the first on the Moon!"
 
 The Blonde said, "So what? We’re going to be the first on the
 Sun!"
 
 The Russian and the American looked at each other and shook their
 heads. "You can’t land on the Sun, you idiot! You’ll burn up!" said
 the Russian.
 
 To which the Blonde replied, "We’re not stupid, you know. We’re
 going at night!"
 
 
 IN A VACUUM
 
A blonde was playing Trivial Pursuit one night. It was her turn.
 She rolled the dice and she landed on Science & Nature. Her
 question was, "If you are in a vacuum and someone calls your
 name, can you hear it?"
 
 She thought for a time and then asked, "Is it on or off?"
 
 
 
 FINALLY, THE BLONDE JOKE TO END ALL BLONDE JOKES!
 
A girl was visiting her blonde friend, who had acquired two
 new dogs, and asked her what their names were. The blonde
 responded by saying that one was named ‘Rolex’ and one
 was named ‘Timex’.
 
 Her friend said, "Whoever heard of someone naming dogs like
 that?"
 
 "HELLLOOOOOOO……," answered the blonde. "They’re
watch dogs!"  

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Jan 19 2008

Posted by under Humor

Ponderisms

I used to eat a lot of natural foods until I learned that most people die of natural causes.

Garden Rule: When weeding, the best way to make sure you are removing a weed and not a valuable plant is to pull on it. If it comes out of the ground easily, it is a valuable plant.

The easiest way to find something lost around the house is to buy a replacement.

Never take life seriously. Nobody gets out alive anyway.

There are two kinds of pedestrians: the quick and the dead.

Life is sexually transmitted.

Health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.

The only difference between a rut and a grave is the depth.

Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in hospitals dying of nothing.

Have you noticed since everyone has a camcorder these days no one talks about seeing UFOs like they used to?

Whenever I feel blue, I start breathing again.

All of us could take a lesson from the weather. It pays no attention to criticism.

In the 60’s, people took acid to make the world weird. Now the world is weird and people take Prozac to make it normal.

How is it one careless match can start a forest fire, but it takes a whole box to start a campfire?

Who was the first person to look at a cow and say, “I think I’ll squeeze these dangly things here, and drink whatever comes out?”

Who was the first person to say, “See that chicken there? I’m gonna eat the next thing that comes outta its butt.”

If Jimmy cracks corn and no one cares, why is there a song about him?

Why does your OB-GYN leave the room when you get undressed if they are going to look up there anyway?

If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons?

Do illiterate people get the full effect of Alphabet Soup?

Why doesn’t glue stick to the inside of the bottle?

Do you ever wonder why you gave me your email address?

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