Archive for the Tag 'stupidity'

Aug 02 2008

Posted by under Humor

FUNNY LAWYERS

These are from a book called Disorder in the American Courts, and are things 
people actually said in court, word for word , taken down and now published 
by court reporters who had the torment of staying calm while these exchanges 
were actually taking place.
 
ATTORNEY: Are you sexually active?
 WITNESS: No, I just lie there.
 ____________________________________________________________________
 ATTORNEY: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
 WITNESS: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.
 ______________________________________
 ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
 WITNESS: Yes.
 ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
 WITNESS: I forget.
 ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you forgot?
 _____________________________________
 ATTORNEY: What was the first thing your husband said to you that morning?
 WITNESS: He said, ‘Where am I, Cathy?’
 ATTORNEY: And why did that upset you?
 WITNESS: My name is Susan!
 ______________________ ________________
 ATTORNEY: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in voodoo?
 WITNESS: We both do.
 ATTORNEY: Voodoo?
 WITNESS: We do.
 ATTORNEY: You do?
 WITNESS: Yes, voodoo.
 ______________________________________
 ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isn’t it true that when a person dies in his sleep, 
he doesn’t know about it until the next morning?
 WITNESS: ; Did you actually pass the bar exam?
 ____________________________________
 ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the twenty-year-old, how old is he?
 WITNESS: Uh, he’s twenty-one.
 ________________________________________
 ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken?
 WITNESS: Are you shittin’ me?
 ______________________________________
 ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
 WITNESS: Yes.
 ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time?
 WITNESS: Uh…. I was gettin’ laid!
 ______________________________________
 ATTORNEY: She had three children, right?
 WITNESS: Yes.
 ATTORNEY: How many were boys?
 WITNESS: None.
 ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?
 WITNESS : Are you shittin’ me? Your Honor, I think I need a different 
attorney. Can I get a new attorney?
 ______________________________________
 ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated?
 WITNESS: By death.
 ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?
 WITNESS: Now whose death do you suppose terminated it?
 ______________________________________
 ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual?
 WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard.
 ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female?
 WITNESS: Guess.
 _____________________________________
 ATTORNEY: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition 
notice which I sent to your attorney?
 WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.
 ______________________________________
 ATTORNEY: Doctor, how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead 
people?
 WITNESS: All my autopsies are performed on dead people. Would you like 
to rephrase that?
 ______________________________________
 ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you go to?
 WITNESS: Oral.
 ______________________________________
 ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
 WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 P.M.
 ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?
 WITNESS: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an 
autopsy on him!
 ____________________________________________
 ATTORNEY: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
 WITNESS: Huh….are you qualified to ask that question?
 ______________________________________
 And the best for last:
_____________________________________
 ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a 
pulse?
 WITNESS: No.
 ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?
 WITNESS: No.
 ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?
 WITNESS: No.
 ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began 
the autopsy?
 WITNESS: No.
 ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
 WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
 ATTORNEY: I see, but could the patient have still been alive, 
nevertheless?
 WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and 
practicing law

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Jun 19 2008

Posted by under Humor

The Tequila Test

The Tequila Test:
 
 If this doesn’t make you laugh — then you must really be having a bad
 day!!! This is why we should know our limits when drinking tequila.
 
 A guy walks into a bar, notices a very large jar on the counter, and
 sees it’s filled to the brim with $10 bills. He guesses there must be
 thousands of dollars in it.
 
 He approaches the bartender and asks. ‘What’s up with the jar?’
 Well, you pay $10 and if you pass three tests, you get all the money.’
 
 The man certainly isn’t going to pass this up. ‘What are the three tests?’
 Pay first, those are the rules.’ says the bartender.
 
 So the man gives him the $10 and the bartender drops it into the jar.
 ‘OK,’ the bartender says. ‘Here’s what you need to do:
 
 First, You have to drink that entire gallon of pepper tequila, all at
 once…and you can’t make a face while doing it.
 
 Second, There’s a pit bull chained-up out back with a sore tooth. You
 have to remove the tooth with your bare hands.
 
 Third, There’s a 90-year old woman upstairs who has never reached
 orgasm during intercourse. You’ve gotta make things right for her.’
 
 The man is stunned. ‘I know I paid my $10, but I’m not an idiot, I
 won’t do it! You have to be nuts to drink a gallon of pepper tequila,
 and then do those other things…’
 
 ‘Your call,’ says the bartender, ‘but your money stays where it is.’

 As time goes on and the man has a few drinks, the n a few more, he asks,
 ‘Where zzat tequila?’
 He grabs the gallon with both hands and downs it with a big slurp.
 Tears streaming down both cheeks, but he doesn’t make a face.
 
 Next, he staggers out back where the pit bull is chained-up and soon
  the people inside the bar hear a huge, noisy, scuffle going on
 outside.  They hear the pit bull barking, the guy screaming, the pit
 bull yelping and then silence.

 Just when they think the man surely must be dead, he staggers back
 into the bar, with his shirt ripped and large bloody scratches all
 over his body.
 
 ‘Now,’ he says. ‘Where’s the old woman with the sore tooth?

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May 03 2008

Posted by under Humor

Why Women Live Longer – Awesome ‘I’m the man’ pic…

Standing on a bucket on TOP of a ladder.  Brilliant !!!
 
This CAN’T be right.
   
Ummmm???  At least someone’s holding the ladder steady.
 
 
Isn’t this a violation of the seatbelt laws?
 
 
Shouldn’t he be wearing a lifejacket?
 
 
Wonder what he makes an hour?  It can’t be enough.
 
Who needs a truck?
 
I get by with a little help from my friends.
   
Oh yeah, THAT’s safe!
 
 
HMMM, maybe he couldn’t see the huge yellow sign that said CLEARANCE.
 
Hey, I strapped it down.
 
Hey, he has a special license to drive that truck.
 
 
Maybe we shouldn’t have parked it on the side of a hill.
 
 
No problem, I can see through the holes.
 
It starts at a young age and men just get worse.
 
 
You hold it while I whack it with this hammer.
 
 
A new OSHA approved substitute for ladders.
 
 
Ropes are for sissies.
 
 
Kubota’s new tractor mounted scaffolding.
 
 
Always obey traffic signs.
 
 
All I wanna know is, HOW?
 
Now I wanna know why?
 
 
One way to beat high gas prices.
 
I can cut it down AND load it in the truck!!! 

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Apr 04 2008

Posted by under Humor

Jokes to Offend Everyone

JOKES TO OFFEND EVERYONE

 


What do you call two Mexicans playing basketball?



 
Juan on Juan

 


What is a Yankee?


The same as a quickie, but a guy can do it alone.

 


What is the difference between a Harley and a Hoover ?


The position of the dirt bag


 


Why is divorce so expensive?


Because it’s worth it.



 
 
What do you see when the Pillsbury Dough Boy bends over?


 

Doughnuts

 


Why is air a lot like sex?


Because it’s no big deal unless you’re not getting any.

 


What do you call a smart blonde?



 
A golden retriever.

 


What do attorneys use for birth control?

 


Their personalities.

 


What’s the difference between a BOYFRIEND  and a husband?


10 years and 45 lbs

 


What’s the difference between a boyfriend and husband?


  45 minutes

 


What’s the fastest way to a man’s heart?


Through his chest with a sharp knife

 


Why do men want to marry virgins?


They can’t stand criticism.



 
 Why is it so hard for women to find men that are sensitive, caring, and good-looking?


Because those men already have boyfriends.


 


What’s the difference between a new husband and a new dog?


After a year, the dog is still excited to see you

 


Why do men chase women they have no intention of marrying?


The same urge that makes dogs chase cars they have no intention of driving.

 


Why don’t bunnies make noise when they have sex?


  Because they have cotton balls.

 


What’s the difference between a porcupine and BMW?


A porcupine has the pricks on the outside.

 


What did the blonde say when she found out she was pregnant?


‘Are you sure it’s mine?’

 


Why does Mike Tyson cry during sex?


Mace will do that to you.

 


Why did OJ Simpson want to move to West Virginia ?


Everyone has the same DNA.

 


Why do drivers’ education classes in Redneck schools use the car only on Mondays, Wednesdays and Fridays?


Because on Tuesday and Thursday, the Sex Ed class uses it.

 


Where does an Irish family go on vacation?


A different bar.

 


Did you hear about the Chinese couple that had a

blonde baby?


They named him ‘Sum Ting Wong’



 
What would you call it when an Italian has one arm shorter than the other?


A speech impediment



 
What’s the difference between a southern zoo and a northern zoo?

 


A southern zoo has a description of the animal on the front of the cage along with… ‘a recipe’.

 


How do you get a sweet 80-year-old lady to say the F word?


Get another sweet little 80-year-old lady to yell *BINGO*!

 

What’s the difference between a northern fairytale and a southern fairytale?


A northern fairytale begins ‘Once upon a time ..’ -

A southern fairytale begins ‘Y’all ain’t gonna believe this shit….

 

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