E-Mail from Grandma » stupidity

FUNNY LAWYERS

Grandson — Sat, 02 Aug 2008 20:51:25 +0000

These are from a book called Disorder in the American Courts, and are things
people actually said in court, word for word , taken down and now published
by court reporters who had the torment of staying calm while these exchanges
were actually taking place.

ATTORNEY: Are you sexually active?
WITNESS: No, I just lie there.
____________________________________________________________________
ATTORNEY: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
WITNESS: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
WITNESS: I forget.
ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you forgot?
_____________________________________
ATTORNEY: What was the first thing your husband said to you that morning?
WITNESS: He said, ‘Where am I, Cathy?’
ATTORNEY: And why did that upset you?
WITNESS: My name is Susan!
______________________ ________________
ATTORNEY: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in voodoo?
WITNESS: We both do.
ATTORNEY: Voodoo?
WITNESS: We do.
ATTORNEY: You do?
WITNESS: Yes, voodoo.
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isn’t it true that when a person dies in his sleep,
he doesn’t know about it until the next morning?
WITNESS: ; Did you actually pass the bar exam?
____________________________________
ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the twenty-year-old, how old is he?
WITNESS: Uh, he’s twenty-one.
________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken?
WITNESS: Are you shittin’ me?
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time?
WITNESS: Uh…. I was gettin’ laid!
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: She had three children, right?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: How many were boys?
WITNESS: None.
ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?
WITNESS : Are you shittin’ me? Your Honor, I think I need a different
attorney. Can I get a new attorney?
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated?
WITNESS: By death.
ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?
WITNESS: Now whose death do you suppose terminated it?
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual?
WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard.
ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female?
WITNESS: Guess.
_____________________________________
ATTORNEY: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition
notice which I sent to your attorney?
WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: Doctor, how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead
people?
WITNESS: All my autopsies are performed on dead people. Would you like
to rephrase that?
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you go to?
WITNESS: Oral.
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 P.M.
ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?
WITNESS: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an
autopsy on him!
____________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
WITNESS: Huh….are you qualified to ask that question?
______________________________________
And the best for last:
_____________________________________
ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a
pulse?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began
the autopsy?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
ATTORNEY: I see, but could the patient have still been alive,
nevertheless?
WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and
practicing law

The Tequila Test

Grandson — Fri, 20 Jun 2008 05:33:35 +0000

The Tequila Test:

If this doesn’t make you laugh — then you must really be having a bad
day!!! This is why we should know our limits when drinking tequila.

A guy walks into a bar, notices a very large jar on the counter, and
sees it’s filled to the brim with $10 bills. He guesses there must be
thousands of dollars in it.

He approaches the bartender and asks. ‘What’s up with the jar?’
Well, you pay $10 and if you pass three tests, you get all the money.’

The man certainly isn’t going to pass this up. ‘What are the three tests?’
Pay first, those are the rules.’ says the bartender.

So the man gives him the $10 and the bartender drops it into the jar.
’OK,’ the bartender says. ‘Here’s what you need to do:

First, You have to drink that entire gallon of pepper tequila, all at
once…and you can’t make a face while doing it.

Second, There’s a pit bull chained-up out back with a sore tooth. You
have to remove the tooth with your bare hands.

Third, There’s a 90-year old woman upstairs who has never reached
orgasm during intercourse. You’ve gotta make things right for her.’

The man is stunned. ‘I know I paid my $10, but I’m not an idiot, I
won’t do it! You have to be nuts to drink a gallon of pepper tequila,
and then do those other things…’

’Your call,’ says the bartender, ‘but your money stays where it is.’

As time goes on and the man has a few drinks, the n a few more, he asks,
’Where zzat tequila?’
He grabs the gallon with both hands and downs it with a big slurp.
Tears streaming down both cheeks, but he doesn’t make a face.

Next, he staggers out back where the pit bull is chained-up and soon
the people inside the bar hear a huge, noisy, scuffle going on
outside. They hear the pit bull barking, the guy screaming, the pit
bull yelping and then silence.

Just when they think the man surely must be dead, he staggers back
into the bar, with his shirt ripped and large bloody scratches all
over his body.

’Now,’ he says. ‘Where’s the old woman with the sore tooth?

Why Women Live Longer – Awesome ‘I’m the man’ pic…

Grandson — Sun, 04 May 2008 05:37:10 +0000

Standing on a bucket on TOP of a ladder. Brilliant !!!

This CAN’T be right.

Ummmm??? At least someone’s holding the ladder steady.

Isn’t this a violation of the seatbelt laws?

Shouldn’t he be wearing a lifejacket?

Wonder what he makes an hour? It can’t be enough.

Who needs a truck?

I get by with a little help from my friends.

Oh yeah, THAT’s safe!

HMMM, maybe he couldn’t see the huge yellow sign that said CLEARANCE.

Hey, I strapped it down.

Hey, he has a special license to drive that truck.

Maybe we shouldn’t have parked it on the side of a hill.

No problem, I can see through the holes.

It starts at a young age and men just get worse.

You hold it while I whack it with this hammer.

A new OSHA approved substitute for ladders.

Ropes are for sissies.

Kubota’s new tractor mounted scaffolding.

Always obey traffic signs.

All I wanna know is, HOW?

Now I wanna know why?

One way to beat high gas prices.

I can cut it down AND load it in the truck!!!

Jokes to Offend Everyone

Grandson — Fri, 04 Apr 2008 17:14:42 +0000

JOKES TO OFFEND EVERYONE

What do you call two Mexicans playing basketball?

Juan on Juan

What is a Yankee?

The same as a quickie, but a guy can do it alone.

What is the difference between a Harley and a Hoover ?

The position of the dirt bag

Why is divorce so expensive?

Because it’s worth it.

What do you see when the Pillsbury Dough Boy bends over?

Doughnuts

Why is air a lot like sex?

Because it’s no big deal unless you’re not getting any.

What do you call a smart blonde?

A golden retriever.

What do attorneys use for birth control?

Their personalities.

What’s the difference between a BOYFRIEND and a husband?

10 years and 45 lbs

What’s the difference between a boyfriend and husband?

45 minutes

What’s the fastest way to a man’s heart?

Through his chest with a sharp knife

Why do men want to marry virgins?

They can’t stand criticism.

Why is it so hard for women to find men that are sensitive, caring, and good-looking?

Because those men already have boyfriends.

What’s the difference between a new husband and a new dog?

After a year, the dog is still excited to see you

Why do men chase women they have no intention of marrying?

The same urge that makes dogs chase cars they have no intention of driving.

Why don’t bunnies make noise when they have sex?

Because they have cotton balls.

What’s the difference between a porcupine and BMW?

A porcupine has the pricks on the outside.

What did the blonde say when she found out she was pregnant?

‘Are you sure it’s mine?’

Why does Mike Tyson cry during sex?

Mace will do that to you.

Why did OJ Simpson want to move to West Virginia ?

Everyone has the same DNA.

Why do drivers’ education classes in Redneck schools use the car only on Mondays, Wednesdays and Fridays?

Because on Tuesday and Thursday, the Sex Ed class uses it.

Where does an Irish family go on vacation?

A different bar.

Did you hear about the Chinese couple that had a

blonde baby?

They named him ‘Sum Ting Wong’

What would you call it when an Italian has one arm shorter than the other?

A speech impediment

What’s the difference between a southern zoo and a northern zoo?

A southern zoo has a description of the animal on the front of the cage along with… ‘a recipe’.

How do you get a sweet 80-year-old lady to say the F word?

Get another sweet little 80-year-old lady to yell *BINGO*!

What’s the difference between a northern fairytale and a southern fairytale?

A northern fairytale begins ‘Once upon a time ..’ -

A southern fairytale begins ‘Y’all ain’t gonna believe this shit….