E-Mail from Grandma » taxes

TEXAS RANCHER

Grandson — Fri, 10 Jul 2009 01:40:21 +0000

Texas Rancher
A man owned a small ranch near San Antonio.
The Texas Dept of Labor claimed he was not paying proper wages to his help and sent an agent out to interview him.
"I need a list of your employees and how much you pay them," demanded the agent.

"Well," replied the farmer, "there’s my farm hand who’s been with me for 3 years. I pay him $200 a week plus free room and board.
The cook has been here for 18 months, and I pay her $150 per week plus free room and board.
Then there’s the half-wit. He works about 18 hours every day and does about 90% of all the work around here. He makes about $10 per week, pays his own room and board, and I buy him a bottle of bourbon every Saturday night. He also sleeps with my wife occasionally."

"That’s the guy I want to talk to .. the half-wit," says the agent.
"That would be me," replied the Rancher.

The Last Nickel

Grandson — Sun, 24 May 2009 19:45:40 +0000

The Last Nickel

A father walks into a restaurant with his young son.
He gives the young boy 3 nickels to play with to keep him occupied.

Suddenly, the boy starts choking, going blue in the face.
The father realizes the boy has swallowed the nickels and starts slapping him on the back.

The boy coughs up 2 of the nickels, but keeps choking.
Looking at his son, the father is panicking, shouting for help.

A well dressed, attractive, and serious looking woman, in a blue business suit is sitting at a coffee bar reading a
newspaper and sipping a cup of coffee. At the sound of the commotion, she looks up, puts her coffee cup down, neatly folds the newspaper and places it on the counter, gets up from her seat and makes her way, unhurried, across the restaurant.

Reaching the boy, the woman carefully drops his pants;
takes hold of the boy’s testicles and starts to squeeze and twist, gently at first and then ever so firmly.

After a few seconds the boy convulses violently and coughs up the last nickel,

which the woman deftly catches in her free hand.

Releasing the boy’s testicles, the woman hands the
nickel to the father and walks back to her seat at the coffee bar without saying a word.

As soon as he is sure that his son has suffered no ill
effects, the father rushes over to the woman and starts thanking her
saying, "I’ve never seen anybody do anything like that before, it was
fantastic. Are you a doctor? "

‘No,’ the woman replied. I’m with the I.R.S..’

Who’s yo Daddy?

Grandson — Sat, 18 Apr 2009 03:41:34 +0000

Who’s yo Daddy?

The following are all replies that Dallas TX women
have written on Child Support Agency forms in the
section for listing "father’s details". Or putting it
another way… Who’s yo Daddy? These are genuine
excerpts from the forms (truth be told??). (Number 11
takes 1st prize and #3 is runner up Number 5 gives new
meaning to people from Virginia )

1. Regarding, the identity of the father of my twins,
child A was fathered by Jim Munson. I am unsure as to
the identity of the father of child B, but I believe
that he was conceived on the same night.

2. I am unsure, as to the identity of the father of my
child as I was being sick out of a window when taken
unexpectedly from behind. I can provide you with a
list of names of men that I think were at the party if
this helps.

3. I do not know the name of the father of my little
girl. She was conceived at a party at 3600 Grand
Avenue where I had unprotected sex with a man I met
that night. I do remember that the sex was so good
that I fainted. If you do manage to track down the
father, can you send me his phone number? Thanks.

4. I don’t know the identity of the father of my
daughter. He drives a BMW that now has a hole made by
my stiletto in one of the door panels. Perhaps you can
contact BMW service stations in this area and see if
he’s had it replaced.

5. I have never had sex with a man. I am still a
Virginian. I am awaiting a letter from the Pope
confirming that my son’s conception was ejaculate and
that he is the Saver risen again.

6. I cannot tell you the name of child A’s dad as he
informs me that to do so would blow his cover and that
would have cataclysmic implications for the economy. I
am torn between doing right by you and right by the
country. Please advise.

7. I do not know who the father of my child was as all
blacks look the same to me.

8. Peter Smith Is the father of child A If you do
catch up with him, can you ask him what he did with my
AC/DC CDs? Child B who was also borned at the same
time. Well, I don’t have clue.

9. From the dates it seems that my daughter was
conceived at Disney World; maybe it really is the
Magic Kingdom .

10. So much about that night is a blur. The only thing
that I remember for sure is Delia Smith did a program
about eggs earlier in the evening. If I had stayed in
and watched more TV rather than going to the party at
146 Miller Drive , mine might have remained
unfertilized.

And now for Elena’s personal favorite….

11. I am unsure as to the identity of the father of my
baby, after all, like when you eat a can of beans you
can’t be sure which one made you fart.

Yep, you guessed it right – you are all paying taxes
to support these intelligent souls.

FIVE VIEWS OF YOUR HOUSE

Grandson — Tue, 13 May 2008 04:10:56 +0000

Your House As Seen By;

Yourself…

Your Lender…

Your Buyer…

Your Appraiser…

Your County Tax Assessor..

If you don’t send this to five friends right away, there will be five fewer people laughing in the world!