Archive for the Tag 'Work'

Oct 23 2008

Posted by under Humor

ATTENTION EMPLOYEES

Dear Employees:

It has been brought to management’s attention that some individuals throughout the company have been using foul language during the course of normal conversation with their co-workers.
Due to complaints received from some employees who may be easily offended, this type of language will no longer be tolerated. Therefore, a list of 18 New and Innovative ‘TRY SAYING’ phrases have been provided so that proper exchange of ideas and information can continue in an effective manner.

Number 1
TRY SAYING: I think you could use more training.
INSTEAD OF: You don’t know what the f___ you’re doing.

Number 2
TRY SAYING:She’s an aggressive go-getter.
INSTEAD OF:She’s a f___ing bit__.

Number 3
TRY SAYING:Perhaps I can work late .
INSTEAD OF: And when the f___ do you expect me to do this?

Number 4
TRY SAYING: I’m certain that isn’t feasible.
INSTEAD OF: No f___ing way.

Number 5
TRY SAYING:Really?
INSTEAD OF:You’ve got to be sh___ing me!

Number 6
TRY SAYING:Perhaps you should check with…
INSTEAD OF:Tell someone who gives a sh__.

Number 7
TRY SAYING: I wasn’t involved in the project.
INSTEAD OF:It’s not my f___ing problem.

Number 8
TRY SAYING:That’s interesting.
INSTEAD OF:What the f___?

Number 9
TRY SAYING: I’m not sure this can be implemented.
INSTEAD OF:This sh__ won’t work.

Number 10
TRY SAYING:I’ll try to schedule that.
INSTEAD OF: Why the f___ didn’t you tell me sooner?

Number 11
TRY SAYING:He’s not familiar with the issues.
INSTEAD OF:He’s got his head up his a__.
 
 Number 12
TRY SAYING:Excuse me, sir?
INSTEAD OF: Eat sh__ and die.

Number 13
TRY SAYING: So you weren’t happy with it?
INSTEAD OF:Kiss my a__.

Number 14
TRY SAYING: I’m a bit overloaded at the moment.
INSTEAD OF: F__it, I’m on salary.

Number 15
TRY SAYING: I don’t think you understand.
INSTEAD OF: Shove it up your a__.

Number 16
TRY SAYING: I love a challenge.
INSTEAD OF:This f___ing job sucks.

Number 17
TRY SAYING: You want me to take care of that?
 INSTEAD OF: Who the f___ died and made you boss?

Number 18
TRY SAYING:He’s somewhat insensitive.
INSTEAD OF:He’s a pr_ck.

Thank You,
HumanResources

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Jul 01 2008

Posted by under Humor,pictures

16 Signs That You Are Having A Bad Day

16 Signs That You Are Having A Bad Day

First you had trouble getting out of bed

You had a stiff neck

You washed your hair and couldn’t do a thing with it

You felt like you had a hangover and you weren’t even drinking last night

Your new diet really doesn’t seem to be working out

You pulled a muscle when you tried to exercise

Your new hat looked better on you at the store

You keep losing things

You feel like you’re always in the wrong place at the wrong time

The boss chewed you out at work

You got caught in the rain at lunchtime

Then the lunch you had didn’t seem to agree with you

You feel trapped

Uninvited guests showed up at dinnertime

On top of that you think you’re coming down with the flu

And finally, you’re alone in the house at night when

you think you hear a noise in the basement

Have a Purrfect Day!

7 Comments »

Jun 16 2008

Posted by under Humor

FIVE MINUTE MANAGEMENT COURSE

      5 minute management course

 

Lesson 1:

A man is getting into the shower just as his wife is finishing up her shower, when the doorbell rings.

The wife quickly wraps herself in a towel and runs downstairs.

When she opens the door, the re stands Bob, the next-door neighbor.

Before she says a word, Bob says, ‘I’ll give you $800 to drop that towel.’

After thinking for a moment, the woman drops her towel and stands naked in front of Bob, after a few seconds, Bob hands her $800 and leaves.

The woman wraps back up in the towel and goes back upstairs.

When she gets to the bathroom, her husband asks, ‘Who was that?’

‘It was Bob the next door neighbor,’ she replies.

‘Great,’ the husband says, ‘did he say anything about the $800 he owes me?’

Moral of the story:

If you share critical information pertaining to credit and risk with your shareholders in time, you may be in a position to prevent avoidable exposure.

Lesson 2:

A priest offered a Nun a lift.

She got in and crossed her legs, forcing her gown to reveal a leg.

The priest nearly had an accident.

After controlling the car, he stealthily slid his hand up her leg.

The nun said, ‘Father, remember Psalm 129?’

The priest removed his hand.  But, changing gears, he let his hand slide up her leg again.

The nun once again said, ‘Father, remember Psalm 129?’

The priest apologized ‘Sorry, sister but the flesh is weak.’

Arriving at the convent, the nun sighed heavily and went on her way.

On his arrival at the church, the priest rushed to look up Psalm 129.  It said, ‘Go forth and seek, further up you will find glory.’

Moral of the story:

If you are not well informed in your job, you might miss a great opportunity.

Lesson 3:

A sales rep, an administration clerk, and the manager are walking to lunch when the y find an antique oil lamp.

They rub it and a Genie comes out.

The Genie says, ‘I’ll give each of you just one wish.’

‘Me first! Me first!’ says the admin clerk. ‘I want to be in the Bahamas , driving a speedboat, without a care in the world!’

Puff! She’s gone.

‘Me next! Me next!’ says the sales rep. ‘I want to be in Hawaii , relaxing on the beach with my personal masseuse, an endless supply of Pina Coladas and the love of my life.’

Puff! He’s gone.

‘OK, you’re up next,’ the Genie says to the manager.


The manager says: ‘I want those two back in the office after lunch.’

Moral of the story:

Always let your boss have the first say.

Lesson 4

An eagle was sitting on a tree resting, doing nothing.
A small rabbit saw the eagle and asked him, ‘Can I also sit like you and do nothing?’

The eagle answered: ‘Sure, why not.’

So, the rabbit sat on the ground below the eagle and rested.

All of a sudden, a fox appeared, jumped on the rabbit and ate it.

Moral of the story:

To be sitting and doing nothing, you must be sitting very, very high up.

Lesson 5

A turkey was chatting with a bull:

‘I would love to be able to get to the top of that tree’ sighed the turkey, ‘but I haven’t got the energy.’

‘Well, why don’t you nibble on some of my droppings?’ replied the bull. They’re packed with nutrients.’

The turkey pecked at a lump of dung, and found it actually gave him enough strength to reach the lowest branch of the tree.

The next day, after eating some more dung, he reached the second branch.

Finally after a fourth night, the turkey was proudly perched at the top of the tree.

He was promptly spotted by a farmer, who shot him out of the tree.

Moral of the story:

Bull Shit might get you to the top, but it won’t keep you there..

Lesson 6

A little bird was flying south for the winter. It was so cold the bird froze and fell to the ground into a large field.

While he was lying there, a cow came by and dropped some dung on him.

As the frozen bird lay the re in the pile of cow dung, he began to realize how warm he was.

The dung was actually thawing him out!

He lay the re all warm and happy, and soon began to sing for joy.

A passing cat heard the bird singing and came to investigate.

Following the sound, the cat discovered the bird under the pile of cow dung, promptly dug him out and ate him.

Morals of the story:

(1) Not everyone who shits on you is your enemy.

(2) Not everyone who gets you out of shit is your friend.

(3) And when you’re in deep shit, it’s best to keep your mouth shut!

             THUS ENDS THE FIVE MINUTE MANAGEMENT COURSE

Now send this to five bright people who have enough sense of humor to take it!

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Jun 15 2008

Posted by under Humor

looking for work ?

Looking for Work?

A Japanese doctor said, ‘Medicine in my country is so advanced that we
can take a kidney out of one man, put it in ano the r, and have him
looking for work in six weeks.’

A German doctor said, ‘That’s nothing, we can take a lung out of one
person, put it in ano the r, and have him looking for work in four
weeks.’

A British doctor said, ‘In my country, medicine is so advanced that we
can take half of a heart out of one person, put it in ano the r, and
have the m both looking for work in two weeks.’

A Texas doctor, not to be outdone said, ‘You guys are way behind. We
took a man with no brains out of Texas , put him in the White House and
now half the country is looking for work.’

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